


i'm the rocks (there's always something better to do)

by antpelts



Series: we made a pact [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, College, Coming Out, Evan Hansen Has ADHD, Gay Jared Kleinman, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Jared Kleinman Has ADHD, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Post-Canon, Reconciliation, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Trans Jared Kleinman, Trans Male Character, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, gay evan hansen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:27:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 43,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24546136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antpelts/pseuds/antpelts
Summary: It wasn’t hard to tell he wasn’t wanted.It wasn’t even surprising.At least Evan had the decency to keep some sort of act up to his mom. His car insurance remained paid.// jared could take a hint. he could learn to move on. the past was in the past.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman, Rich Goranski/Michael Mell
Series: we made a pact [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1773904
Comments: 196
Kudos: 83





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay hhh this is my first deh fic and like,,, im trying to do jared justice bc i love him but hopefully ill keep improving at writing him. considering ive only heard a few songs and read the script once,,,,,, i hope im doin alright
> 
> also..... listen to letterman by gay nineties

It wasn’t hard to tell he wasn’t wanted.

It wasn’t even surprising.

At least Evan had the decency to keep some sort of act up to his mom. His car insurance remained paid.

Not that he did much driving. There wasn’t anywhere to go. It pissed him off to no end, but Evan was sort of right. He really didn’t have friends, didn’t have anyone to turn to. He went to school. He went home.

Even worse, he actually had the free time to wallow. 

Not that he was wallowing.

Jared was fine. He just had free time. Classes passed slowly. More slowly than when he’d sneak glances at his phone and send annoying texts that he knew would get some flustered, frustrated response. He had time to notice other things now. 

Like the new kid.

The first few months of school had been so hectic that he didn’t have a lot of time for paying attention to things. Especially not new kids. New kids who were a little weird. But, was he really one to judge for anything anymore?

Evan’s words still bounced around his head, he _had_ written emails pretending to be a dead kid.

With a huff he forced the thought out of his mind, he didn’t have Evan anymore. Not that he ever really _had_ him - they just weren’t friends. They didn’t talk. That did mean he needed someone to work with on the upcoming spanish project, though. The new kid seemed like the best bet. He was too new to really have too many opinions on the clusterfuck of a school he went to and everything that had happened. Hopefully too new and awkward to worship the ground Evan walked on after that speech he pulled.

Instead of just continuing to think about him like some pathetic, yearning puppy Jared just turned in his desk chair. The plan was cemented.

“No one’s working with you,” he spoke flatly and bluntly, meeting the kid’s eye.

“You either.” He pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back in his seat.

“Touché,” Jared mused, brow furrowing. This would do. “Jared.”

“Rich.”

* * *

It worked out, for once things seemed to work out. 

It wasn’t the same, nothing really could be the same. No one could be the same as Evan. He didn’t want someone to be the same as Evan. He wanted to stop thinking of that name.

“Earth to dumbass?” Rich arched a brow, glancing away from the TV briefly. On screen he lapped Jared. “You’re losing.”

“Fuck off.” Rolling his eyes he sat up a bit straighter, focusing back on the game.

“It’s that Evan kid, huh?” The words hung heavy in the air between them. Jared bit his tongue to keep himself from cracking, to keep himself from turning on Rich and making fun of his lisp. Anything to avoid the conversation.

But Rich was his friend. 

A real friend.

So he held his tongue.

“He seems kinda like a dick.” Rich kept going, shrugging a bit. Jared didn’t know if he wanted to agree or struggle to defend him. “Something seems off about his whole thing. Plus if he turned and dropped you like that..”

“Yeah,” was all he could manage, mashing buttons on the controller. He tried to ignore the thoughtful hum from Rich. Usually they were content to talk shit and play games, but sometimes Rich would teeter on the edge of something genuine. Honestly, it scared Jared. He wasn’t good at genuine.

“I’ll tell you about this asshole I knew from high school.” It was almost like a question.

“Sure.” Short and sweet, his voice couldn’t betray him that way. Hearing Evan’s name always made his throat tight.

“Total dick,” Rich snorted a quiet laugh and Jared couldn’t help but second guess Rich’s real opinion on this guy. “Haven’t spoken to him since last summer. He got all pissy because I was moving. Like I owed him something. Total blowout in his basement over some shitty soda and games.”

They finished the race and Jared turned his head to look at him, arching an eyebrow.

“Like he was supposed to be more important than me running away from my shitty alcoholic dad.” Something in his voice wavered and Jared couldn’t help but wonder if this mystery guy _was_ more important. “Total geek asshole. All about retro shit. He even has a Pac-Man tattoo.”

“Sounds less like an asshole and more like a boyfriend,” Jared snorted. Rich froze for a second and Jared blinked a few times, waiting. He was used to just knowing someone - knowing that he wasn’t going too far. (Well, until he did.) Maybe he’d misgauged the situation and then Rich would be gone too. It would be something he was all too familiar with.

“Fuck off.” Rich slumped in his seat, rubbing at his face. “That ship never got to sail.”

Huh.

“Oh.. you’re?” For once any words died on Jared’s tongue. Outside of teasing he never really knew what to say on the topic of sexuality (well, apart from any.. veiled hints towards a certain person that he thought two men together could _really_ be something beautiful) - let alone knew what to say with someone coming out to him. _He’d_ never even come out, so-

“Yeah, shit. Kinda used to everyone knowing. Made a big deal my junior year, went to prom with the guy and everything. I’m, uh, bi.” 

“I’m gay,” it fell from his mouth before he could even think twice. His stomach sank with dread and he glanced towards his bedroom door, waiting to hear if his parents were outside. Holding his breath, he waited for the inevitable catastrophe that was bound to happen.

“Hell yeah, dude. Thank god, could never be friends with a hetero.” Rich snorted again and turned back to the TV, pressing a button to send them onto the next race.

Maybe he could do the whole friendship thing.

“Rainbow Road? Oh, fuck off. Here we go, pushing the gay agenda onto impressionable youth.” Jared waited with bated breath as soon as the words left his mouth, only relaxing once Rich broke into a fit of giggles.

Yeah, he had a friend. Fuck you, Evan.

* * *

“Jesus fuck!” 

Rich really had no shame - not that Jared _did!_ He just didn’t take kindly to people barging into his space and well, maybe he did have a little shame about things. Didn’t most people? Wasn’t that normal?

“You’re taking for-fuckin’-ever!” Rich leaned on the doorframe, scrunching up his face. After a moment he seemed to take in the atmosphere, seemed to take in how Jared was standing. Hunched over, shirt half on, arms crossed tightly over his chest. A binder. “Fuck, uh, sorry.”

Despite the apology Rich just shuffled into the room and shut the door.

“That’s not an invitation you asshole!” Jared struggled to pull his shirt on, smoothing his hands over it in an attempt to ignore the heat on his face. Despite the outburst he felt his knees shake. Rich was small, but he was strong, he couldn’t take someone like that in a fight.

“No, shit.” Rich seemed to stumble over himself, usual confidence faltering before he just lifted up his own loose shirt. Jared recognized the scars, he spent a lot of time imagining his own.

“Well, fuck,” he let himself deflate, let his heartrate steady. “You could have just fuckin’ said it and not given me a heart attack.”

The only response he got was a tongue stuck out in his direction so he only graced Rich with the response of a raised middle finger. 

“C’mon, we’re gonna be late.”

* * *

Their second impromptu coming out session did lead to a few good things, at least. They didn’t have to worry too much about their roommate arrangements anymore. There were no fears, no thoughts of how they’d hide their secrets. It was comforting. Not that Jared would ever say that.

It was nice to think, though.

The spring was nice. The closer they got to the end of the semester the less he saw of Evan. That was good.

Right?

At the very least it made things easier. It was easier to not think about things too much, that way. Besides, some fears were quelled when the college commitment board was finally put up. Apparently Evan was just going to take a gap year and not go to the college they’d both planned on. No accidental run-ins on campus. No shared gen-eds. It’d just be him. Him and Rich, him and his friend. There was nothing tying him to the person he was before. No one to expect anything out of him.

Which was why he opted for an early move-in date, even if Rich wouldn’t be doing the same. He was just ready to get away.

So he did.

A week before classes he was packed up and on his way to campus. 

The first day was great. He had a futon set up, a TV, the works. The dorms were quiet and would be until the majority of the freshman moved in. He nearly had the whole hall to himself and it felt good. Until the ‘activities’ started. He knew that early move-in meant some ‘fun’ class and some group socializing, but he hadn’t expected it to take up his whole day.

You could only introduce yourself and think of a ‘fun’ fact about yourself so many times.

Hell, they ate their meals with these groups. At the very least they were mostly in the same major, so he supposed he’d be seeing some of these people in classes.

“Could I sit here?”

Jared was pretty sure he couldn’t say _no,_ the group was stretched out over two tables and they took most of the seats. If this kid didn’t sit by him someone else would.

“Sure, man.”

“Jared, right? I’m in comp sci, too.” 

Great, a chatterbox.

When he looked up from his plate he felt something click, immediately remembering the kid’s introduction the day prior. He stood out, not only was he wearing a hoodie in August, it was also covered with an assortment of patches. Michael. His fun fact, ‘I got a matching Pac-Man tattoo with my best friend.’

“Uh, yeah,” Jared nodded, setting his fork down. “Michael, right?”

Thinking back he tried to pick out anything else of importance. He was from New Jersey. Rich was from New Jersey. What were the fucking odds? There was no way. Right?

“The one and only.” The words were accompanied with slight jazz hands - he _did_ seem like a guy Rich would be into.

“I think there’s a ton of Michaels, dude,” Jared quirked a brow with a short laugh. “But.. uh, I like your patch.”

Stumbling over his words he tipped his head in acknowledgement of the rainbow patch on his arm, not quite sure what made him do it. That was basically him coming out, or hinting at it at least. If college was about being a new him maybe that was where he could start. Besides, bonds drew people together, bonds made friendships. Whether they were bonds through families knowing each other or something else entirely. Friendships came from bonds.

“Thanks,” Michael flashed him a knowing smile, finally turning to his own plate of food.

Right, dinner. His food was already going cold.

* * *

What did Evan know? They weren’t even really friends, right? How could he judge him when he knew nothing about him. Here he was, making friends and going to college. And where was Evan?

With a huff Jared shut himself in his dorm room, deflating a bit. Trying to be a new person was tiring. Shaking his head he pulled off his shoes and set about changing into comfortable clothes. He could just lay down on the futon and turn on the TV and let everything melt away.

“Asshole, living in my head rent free,” he groaned in frustration under his breath as he found himself still picturing Evan. Maybe denial wasn’t really getting him anywhere but he’d rather suffer than admit to anything.

Once he was free of his jeans and binder he pulled an old t-shirt on and flopped onto the futon. With a sigh he flipped through documentaries and cheesy TV shows, furrowing his brows. Eventually he just settled on a random episode of _How it’s Made_ and let it drone on while he picked up his phone, shooting Rich a few quick texts.

* * *

**richie (bitch) (7:32 pm):** fuck offfffff  
**richie (bitch) (7:33 pm):** ill b there at like 11 so u better be up to help carry my shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world


	2. Chapter 2

Jared woke up with a jolt. The room was dark and it took him a moment to recognize where he was. His dorm room. That seemed to help ground him so his mind rattled off a few more facts: he was alone (physically), he was 18, he needed to wake up to help Rich move in the next morning, he was Jared. Right. His breathing returned to normal and he rolled onto his side, reaching for his phone. The time blinked back at him, taunting.  _ 4:34 am.  _ He was used to it.

With a sigh he unlocked his phone, squinting against the light. Hesitant fingers tapped on his texts, scrolling down through the few text threads that were even there before hovering over the one on the bottom.  **Asshole (Evan).** Shaky fingers tapped on it, looking at the last texts between them. Before their fight. They were basically relics, buried by time. It was best to quit while he was ahead, so he closed out of the texts and aimlessly swiped, settling on opening his browser. His eyelids drooped as he flipped through tabs, finger freezing its motion when he landed on one tab. One tab he couldn’t bring himself to close.

The source of his dream - well, nightmare.

_ ‘Dear Evan Hansen,’  _ Jared practically had it memorized after all the times he re-read over it.  _ ‘Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all.’  _ That was all he could handle before he closed the browser out, too. Maybe that was enough. Locking his phone he set it back inside the little pouch he’d gotten to hang off the side of his bed. Lofted beds really were a bitch when it came to storing things.

It was an ambitious thought, that he’d be able to go back to sleep, but he knew he should try.

The thing was, he was maybe a little scared he’d picture Evan’s face again if he did.

All the anger he felt wasn’t enough to bury the guilt, but he held onto it regardless. If he wasn’t angry then he was  _ scared  _ and fuck that. The first time he’d read the note he did a double take. The second time he remembered something, a lagging Skype call, one where Evan was talking in that way he did when he should probably just stop and  _ breathe.  _ Because  _ Connor Murphy _ had taken his letter, his therapy assignment letter. He took it and disappeared. The third time he read it he couldn’t help but realize it was written a bit too closely to how Evan talked.

While Jared was fairly certain he understood what it was he had read it again, just in case.

It was  _ Evan’s _ suicide note.

Right?

Jared had felt sick to his stomach, yet oddly paralyzed. He just laid in his bed, feeling numb. He rehearsed conversations in his head ranging from confrontations to interventions, none of them felt right. They weren’t friends. Evan didn’t need him. Didn’t want him. Fuck, he was probably one of the things that  _ made  _ Evan feel that way.

There was a part of him that couldn’t help but think doing anything would make it worse. He was happy, wasn’t he? He had his shiny, happy new family and girlfriend. 

So he stayed quiet.

The guilt still ate at him.

Even now, well over half a year since it had been posted. Nearly a full year since it all started. At this point he couldn’t do anything because it had been too long. Apparently he and Zoe had broken up, but he seemed to still be able function. At the very least he’d graduated. Jared could move on too, and he did. His roommate was moving in tomorrow. His friend.

So why did he still have nightmares?

While he felt like he knew the answer and he  _ really  _ didn’t want to think about it. But he didn’t want to sleep, either. Grabbing his phone again he flipped onto his back, once more wincing as the harsh light hit his face. He scrolled through his texts - who could he even talk to?

There was Rich, but even if he was awake Jared wasn’t too keen on dumping all of his problems on his one real friend. That fear still clung to his ribs and rattled with every breath, the fear of being alone again. Why would he detail all the ways he’d failed his last friend? What good would that do for them?

Parents? He winced. He wasn’t sure  _ this  _ was the thing to start being open with them about.

Michael. They were in the same major, he couldn’t ruin any shot at maybe making a friend by having some pathetic early morning breakdown.

And.. of course, Evan. He started to mentally weigh the pros and cons of contacting him. The pros being: it’s Evan, he misses Evan, it could quiet the guilt. The cons being: it’s Evan, he was still hurt and a little mad, Evan probably hated him. Neither seemed like the right way to go but, squinting against the light he started to tap out a message. After five seconds he deleted it all. He started again and deleted it again. 

It wasn’t right to try and figure it out over text - right? It was too big of a conversation. But he didn’t really know when, or if, he’d see Evan again and he couldn’t shake the feeling that he should say  _ something. _

Exiting out of the texts he scrolled through his camera roll, scrolled through apps, through notes. He looked for anything that he could use as an excuse. A  _ real  _ reason that he could text Evan. Going back into his camera roll he found something - a generated album,  _ on this day.  _ Tapping on it he was met with a small assortment of images. Most of them were odds and ends, weird memes or pictures he’d happen to have taken or saved years ago on the same day. Slotted between them though were two pictures, pictures from their first day of eighth grade. The last time they were the same height. Jared’s arm was around his shoulders. Before he could overthink it he screenshotted it, showing the ‘5 years ago’ at the top and sent the image to Evan - and promptly muted their text conversation. That way he couldn’t be disappointed when he woke up to no notifications.

One last time he locked his phone, returning it to its place for the night and plugging it back in. It was pushing towards 6am now, a soft light started to peek through his blinds. With one more sigh Jared rolled until his back faced the window, letting his eyes fall shut.

This time he had a dream, not a nightmare. It still hurt the same though, to see Evan’s face. It was a dream he’d had before, one of those ones he’d deny having. Evan was there and he’d smile at him - he couldn’t really remember the last time they were actually on truly good terms. Well, probably eighth grade.

It was almost a cathartic kind of hurt. He let it wash over him. The brightness of Evan’s smile wasn’t unlike the screen of his phone, or the sunlight that he was sure was starting to cut through his window. His hands were soft, hesitantly wrapped around Jared’s own. His palms were sweaty and Jared wanted to laugh and cry - of  _ course  _ his palms were sweaty. Hands shifted and moved, sliding over arms. Jared’s breath caught as he felt warm hands finally settle on his hips and he let his own palms rest against Evan’s chest. For once his breaths felt steady, that was the biggest giveaway that he was dreaming. 

At least until the space between them started to close. He let his eyes fall shut, nearly jumping as he felt a hand suddenly move to cup his cheek, the other still holding onto his hip. Their lips met, soft at first. Jared all but melted, immediately becoming thoroughly embarrassed at the effect it all had on him. Then it picked up, Evan held on a bit tighter, backing him against a wall, or a door, or a desk. The kiss was needier, it made Jared feel  _ wanted,  _ like he was the only person Evan cared about.

This time it was the blaring of his alarm that woke him up. He rubbed at his face, as if he could wipe away the heat settled over his cheeks. How fucked up to have a dream about your.. estranged  _ family  _ friend dying and then to have another one about making out with him. With a groan Jared just grabbed his glasses, haphazardly shoving them on before awkwardly climbing down off the bed. Standing on tiptoes he grabbed his phone, quieting it. A glance showed him a text from Rich, a warning that he was almost there. He sleepily sent back a confirmation, not too worried about typos. Hopefully it would be easier if he wasn’t alone.

Trying to shake himself awake he bounced on his toes a bit, sighing as he reached to grab his binder from where he’d haphazardly dropped it on the ground the night before. Once he was dressed he felt a bit better. Brushing his teeth helped, too. Getting Rich’s arrival text lifted a weight off his shoulders, there was something to distract him at least.

So, grabbing his key and wallet he headed out of the building and down to the parking lot. It was bustling with other freshmen moving in and Jared was just grateful that all of his stuff was set up. Well, and that he had the big stuff moved in, the futon and TV. All Rich really had was his own things, clothes, bedding, etc. That was considerably easier to lug up, especially considering the elevators were moving at a snail’s pace and they’d have to take the stairs.

After scanning the lot he finally spotted Rich and his brother, walking over to them briskly. The heat was starting to get to him and he was eager to be done so he could just lay down in his air conditioned room.

“Thank fuck, you actually woke up.” Rich shot him a lopsided grin and Jared felt his shoulders relax. The dreams were already slipping from his mind as he took a suitcase from Rich. For a second he thought about bringing up Michael, about asking Rich what  _ his  _ Michael’s last name was but he just shook it off. There wasn’t much use in dredging shit up, especially when he knew he wouldn’t be willing to offer anything up in return. He was too fucking exhausted to spare any vulnerability in return for Rich’s.

Speaking of, he remembered the text. His fingers twitched around the suitcase handle as he held the door open, leading the way up the stairs. His phone was practically burning a hole in his pocket. It was one of those things, y’know - he wanted to know, but he didn’t. Of course he wanted to know if Evan responded, but he didn’t want to think about how he’d feel if he  _ hadn’t.  _ So he just led the way into their room, placing the suitcase down by Rich’s bed. He wiped his hands on his shorts before they headed back down for a second trip. There wasn’t much to move so he was pretty certain there wouldn’t be a third trip. Then he could lay down and just bug Rich while he unpacked. At least that way  _ something  _ would feel normal. Jared’s chest tightened, just begging for anything to be normal.

After a while the tightness started to uncoil. It didn’t go away but it lessened. He kept good to his silent word and went on about pointless shit as Rich tried to stay focused on unpacking, until they both grew a bit restless. They headed down to the main floor to grab a late lunch, for once the dining hall was bustling and Jared couldn’t help but be annoyed. Rich couldn’t help but be a bit amused, rolling his eyes as they moved between clumps of people, piling their plates with an assortment of goods. 

They ate in an almost silence, both absentmindedly scrolling through social medias and showing each other the occasional funny post they stumbled across. Jared just made sure to keep on his second page of apps, far away from his texts on the first page. 

Maybe he’d look later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments keep me inspired <3
> 
> i dont know how many people are really reading these stories or how big 'writing commissions' even are but i am willing to write one shots or even multi chapters for anyone who may donate to charities rn in support of the blm movement in america, really any amount. if interested contact me on my tumblr, antpelts. stay safe everyone. <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings; nightmares, evans attempt is referenced (in jareds nihtmare) nothing graphic

Jared got good at not needing to text people first. He’d just wait for someone to text and answer it from the lock screen. No reason to actually look. No reason to be disappointed. Not that he was thinking about the texts that much. His mind just wandered when he wanted to sleep.

It was both easier and harder to sleep now that Rich was around. He felt comforted by the fact that he wasn’t alone, yet uncomfortable at the idea of Rich somehow being privy to his dreams. And speaking of dreams-

The text was supposed to give him some sort of closure, he was supposed to stop having nightmares.

* * *

_ A forest. A walking path. Green grass. Moss covered logs. Crickets. Wildflowers. It didn’t look like a traditional nightmare, but Jared wasn’t very traditional. Besides, appearances didn’t mean much.  _

_ There it was, through the canopy. The tallest tree for miles. An oak. Must have been at least 40 feet tall. _

‘I don’t know if you know this, but I worked this summer-’

_ Jared knew that voice, he knew to follow it. And.. He  _ had _ known, for the record. Of course he knew. Not that he’d say it. Obviously. _

‘-it’s a funny story-’

_ What was so funny about.. Jared clenched his fists, following the path. He’d walked it many times. He’d had this dream many times. _

‘-I just lay there on the ground, waiting for someone to come get me-’

_ Tightness seized Jared’s throat and he grit his teeth, stepping over a branch. The brush cleared a bit and gave way to, well, a clearing. Short, patchy grass surrounded the tree as it stretched up into the sky. You never really realize how tall 40 feet is until it’s in front of you. He could almost laugh. It’s a funny story. _

‘Any second now-’

_ Twigs and pebbles were scattered around and Jared dragged his feet, though they didn’t make any noise. He kept walking. _

‘-here they come-’

_ He was coming. Sure enough, something came into view. A crumpled form. Familiar hair. A not familiar outfit. Well, he’d worked as an apprentice park ranger - he must have had some sort of uniform. _

‘No. Nobody came-’

_ Everything went dark. Jared’s legs collapsed under him, but he needed to keep walking. He needed to keep walking. Evan was waiting, he’d  _ been  _ waiting. For a solid ten minutes, he’d remind himself. Jared tried to pull himself forward, on his hands and knees but the pebbles scraped his palms. It was too dark to see.  _

* * *

When Jared woke up his palms were sweaty. He wondered if the universe saw the sick irony in that. Groaning, he rolled over in bed, reaching for his phone to check the time.  _ 8:45 am.  _ Too early to be awake but too late to go back to bed unless he wanted to sleep in until noon. Jared had already convinced Rich to go to the poster sale with him, which meant they had to eat lunch at a decent time. So, with a sigh he just grabbed his phone and shoved his glasses on, climbing down off his bed. He might as well shower.

Grabbing a towel and his shower bag he shoved his feet into his shower shoes - why was it such a hassle to shower in a dorm? At least their building had pod style bathrooms, the thought of sharing a shower space made him shudder. Even if there  _ were  _ stalls. He preferred it this way, his own mini bathroom with a locking door. Well, if one was open. It was more limited this way. At least it was ass o’clock in the morning, most people wouldn’t be up this early on a saturday. He paused at the door, turning around to grab his key before finally heading into the hall, locking the door behind him.

Clothes. He forgot clothes. With a groan he unlocked the door and ducked back into his room, rolling up some fresh boxers, shorts, and a graphic tee into a little bundle to stack on his newly dubbed  _ shower pile.  _ This was way too much to carry and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the thought of doing this every day. There had to be a better way.

Once more, he returned to the hall, locking the door again before heading towards the bathrooms. His sandals made a rhythmic slapping against the ground and he almost wanted to punch  _ himself  _ for it, hoping that the doors weren’t so thin that everyone would hear him and wake up. Because, really, he didn’t expect anyone to be awake. Let alone someone else in the hall, leaving the bathroom, walking towards him.

Against his better judgement he lifted his gaze. It was too early for this shit. Too early for a hot guy to be passing him in the hall, with just a towel around his waist. One hand held a shower bag and the other one held the towel for some extra security and.. And his face was familiar. Why was it familiar?

They met eyes and he saw his own recognition looking back at him. Before he could say anything Jared dropped his gaze and walked faster, turning on a dime to head into the bathrooms, locking himself in the first open pod room.

No.

No fucking way.

Evan goddamn Hansen was not here. On his campus. In his dorm. On his floor.

Evan Hansen was supposed to be taking a gap year.

Before he could drop everything and creating a fucking  _ catastrophe  _ he hung it shower caddy on one of the towel hooks before draping his towel on the other. Shaking hands set his clothes and key on the metal shelf. That just left his phone. Without realizing it he’d been holding his breath, it all came out in a long rush. 

Breathe.

Running a hand through his hair he practically stumbled over to the shower, blindly turning the water on before just standing in the middle of the room. He had to wait for it to heat up. That gave him enough time to.. check his phone. Weak fingers were still able to deftly type in his password because he wasn’t  _ bothered  _ or anything. He was just caught off guard. Tapping on his texts he saw the little dot that indicated a new message next to Evan’s contact and he tapped on their message thread. 

**Asshole (Evan) (Friday, 7:05 am):** So small! :)

Huh.

Jared could only describe what he felt as short circuiting - maybe he was just a geek but.. He typed that like a Facebook mom! He wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh, or to cry, or to be angry. Texts were never telling enough. Was it just polite so he could be left alone? Was it passive aggressive? Was it just trying to ignore the stunt he pulled and how much it fucking  _ hurt- _

Not that Jared was still upset or anything. Angry, sure. But not upset, or hurt, or  _ sad.  _ That’d be dumb. Right?

When he glanced back down he saw the typing bubble pop up and in a fit of panic he closed the thread and opened his texts with Michael. He needed to just.. divert his attention. 

**Jared (8:51 am):** come to the poster sale today  
**Jared (8:51 am):** meet my roommate hes more chatty than me

With that he just locked his phone and set it face down on top of his clothes pile. It was all a bit too overwhelming and he just needed to take his shower.

* * *

**Michael (9:20 am):** meet my roommate! hes quieter than me  
**Michael (9:20 am):** mostly  
**Michael (9:20 am):** what time?

Two things stuck out to Jared as he scanned the messages. The first being: did he really spend that whole time showering? The second being: is he really serious about befriending me? He supposed they’d only talked a few times, there was no way he could know how much of an asshole he really was. The smallest, nicest part of his brain reasoned that Rich stuck around even after they got close.

Before he could get too far into his own head he saw the little bubble with a  _ 1  _ in it on the top left, signaling that he had another text. A text that hadn’t shown up as a notification on his lock screen. Because the thread was muted. A text from Evan.

Clutching his towel closer around himself he paused, setting the phone on the sink. Clothes. Clothes first. He finished drying himself off, slipping his glasses on before getting dressed, draping his towel over his shoulders, ignoring the damp feeling it left on his shirt. Tucking his key in his pocket he hooked his shower caddy over his arm and bundled up his pajamas, tucking them under his arm before finally grabbing his phone.

Rip off the bandaid. 

Tapping on the text thread, he unlocked the door and left the bathroom, heading for his dorm. There was a bit more noise this time as he passed through the hall. There were more people too, yawning as they stumbled to the bathroom. He heard soft music as he passed a door. Distractions. He lowered his gaze to his phone to read the text, pausing outside his door.

**Asshole (Evan) (8:52 am):** I meant to tell you I’d be here, like I felt, like, I owed you that much. I just thought I had time. I didn’t expect to see you before classes even started! Or in my dorm building. There’s so much to say that I can’t say over text.   
**Asshole (Evan) (8:56 am):** If you’ll listen.

Jared couldn’t help but feel a little paralyzed, quickly locking his phone and shoving it into his pocket. His arms felt awkward and stiff as he fumbled for his key, unlocking the door and stepping inside. He tossed his clothes and towel towards his hamper (just barely missing) and set his shower caddy on the floor by his dresser. His head was spinning.

Evan wanted to talk to him? It sounded like Evan wanted to  _ apologize. _

The bigger, shittier, meaner part of his brain told him that, no, he just wanted to get it through his dense skull that he didn’t want to see him. Jared considered the logistics of moving dorms for a good two seconds before just shaking his head. He wasn’t a coward or anything. 

Besides, he couldn’t help but think.. the text sounded like the old Evan. A little rambling, a little nervous, sprinkled with a touch of hesitation or self-doubt.

It was a lot, though. A lot to take in. So he fell back on his fool proof system; he weighed the pros and cons in his head. Slipping off his damp sandals he moved to sit on the futon, bringing his knees up to his chest. There  _ were  _ pros: he missed Evan, he sounded normal, he  _ wanted  _ to talk, it could give Jared closure. But there were cons too, scary cons: it could be some ploy to just  _ break his heart- _ well, hurt his feelings again. It could be awkward.. or it could fall flat and not give him any sense of real closure. 

Jared remembered his nightmare. Maybe even a chance at closure was worth it. He didn’t expect them to become friends again, or anything, but maybe he could get an apology. Maybe.. if Evan apologized he’d be able to work up the guts to apologize, too. For not being there. Then they could go back to not being in each other’s lives (because they were both  _ different  _ now) and maybe just occasionally wave at each other in the hallways.

And that.. was fine. Jared would be fine with that.

**Jared (9:42 am):** busy this afternoon  
**Jared (9:42 am):** could grab some dinner tho  
**Jared (9:42 am):** or froyo  
**Asshole (Evan) (9:43 am):** Dinner! I heard there’s a place with really good tacos downtown. I’m assuming you have a meal plan but I can pay. I’ll cover it. If you still like tacos? Or froyo. Or both?

Had.. he been waiting the whole time for a response? Jared could picture it - Evan perched on the edge of a chair, nervously bouncing his leg. He’d try to distract himself, put his phone face down on his desk, but he’d pick it up and check it every minute. It was ridiculous. The whole thing was ridiculous. And he felt the least he could do was give a fair warning.

**Jared (9:44 am):** still mad tho

Was he? Yeah. It was a strange kind of anger, though. It was borne out of hurt, out of betrayal. It felt different than all the other times he’d been angry. Maybe.. because it was less anger and more sadness. Time helped a bit but it didn’t make it go away.

**Asshole (Evan) (9:44 am):** I know.

It was a start. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world <3


	4. Chapter 4

The poster sale plan went off without a hitch. Jared couldn’t help the immense sense of pride he felt as he watched Rich and Michael interact. So he _had_ been right, confirming that much with Michael’s roommate (Jeremy, he’d learned) as he held back, seemingly not wanting to interrupt the boys.

“Okay.. hey. Maybe this is a dick move,” Jared moved a half step closer to Jeremy, pulling his gaze away from Michael and Rich. “But I gotta bail. If you could let them know I had to jet that’d be killer.”

Jeremy seemed to freeze up a bit before nodding, stuffing his hands in his pockets, “oh.. yeah s-sure dude. Uh, see y-ya?” 

With a mock salute Jered spun on a heel and headed back towards the sidewalk. So maybe seeing two people reunite who he knew probably both had a thing for each other got to him a bit. And.. maybe something about Jeremy’s mannerisms reminded him of someone else. What did it matter if those things combined in a way that made Jared’s chest tight? That wasn’t the reason he was doing this. Obviously not. 

**Jared (1:22 pm):** changed my mind  
 **Jared (1:22 pm):** free now prolly busy later  
 **Jared (1:23 pm):** so u can meet me downtown or this can just happen another time

It was just that he wanted the upper hand - he wanted to throw Evan off his rhythm. That was it.

 **Asshole (Evan) (1:24 pm):** Oh! Alright!  
 **Asshole (Evan) (1:24 pm):** Where exactly? I’m heading out from the dining hall in our building now.

So what if the near instant reply made him want to smile a bit while also striking a pang in his chest. (It was good to feel wanted. Not that Evan _wanted_ him, obviously not. This was just formalities. Burying the hatchet.)

 **Jared (1:25 pm):** grassy lawn area in front of the main math building?  
 **Jared (1:25 pm):** whatever the fuck hall  
 **Asshole (Evan) (1:26 pm):** Got it! I’ll be there in like 10?

Jared let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, tucking his phone in his pocket as he crossed a street. There really wasn’t any reason to respond. So what if he just didn’t want to look at the message thread anymore. (Even reading his name had Jared feeling some sort of way.) He just wanted to get to where he said he would be, heading down another block before crossing another street. Sure enough, the building came into view, it was comforting to know he had a basic grasp of the campus and didn’t need to use his phone to navigate there. He took the sidewalk for a bit before he cut through the grass, finding a place to sit. 

It put him at ease to see other small groups of students laying out in the grass. At least he knew he didn’t look too out of place as he lowered himself onto the grass, crossing his legs. There were a few large trees dotted over the large lawn, casting a fair amount of shade over it. And if he leaned back he could see past the building to where the whole grassy area almost stretched two blocks, only broken up by some other campus buildings. While he’d been looking over his schedule he’d come to realize a lot of basic gen ed courses were held in these buildings. It was a nice enough area, people were walking dogs, having picnics, playing frisbee. 

Despite his general bitter facade he was able to enjoy himself, leaning back on his hands as he just watched people cross in and out of view. At one point he almost even threw all of his social caution to the wind to approach a guy who had a pet ferret on a leash. Who does that? Instead, a voice drew him from his thoughts, almost breathless.

“Hey! Uh, hey Jared.” He’d die before he admitted it but he felt himself instantly relax, turning his gaze to see Evan standing over him. Despite everything, despite all the pent up anger he had, he couldn’t stop the familiar voice from instantly giving him a sense of comfort. Sure, he was mad, but Evan just had a way of putting him at ease with just his _presence._ “Sorry I took a little long. I, uh, stopped in at the Dunkin’ real quick.”

As Evan sank onto the grass next to him he offered up an iced coffee. Jared was silent for a second, urging his brain to come up with _anything_ as he reached out and took the coffee. “Oh.. thanks.”

It looked like his plan to have the high ground was failing miserably. The offering threw him for a loop and for a good ten seconds he forgot that anything had even happened between them. Besides, he couldn’t help but notice the _steadiness_ to Evan’s voice. He sat up a bit taller too, he noticed, eyes darting over him. How was _he_ the nervous wreck out of the two of them.

“Oh, shit dude. Your voice. It’s.. deeper,” Evan’s eyes lit up a bit and he held onto his own iced drink with both hands now. He leaned in a bit, a smile pulling over his lips. “And.. stubble? You look good, Jare.”

Gifts. Compliments. Jared felt like his head was going to explode. This was _not_ fair.

“Oh, yeah. Just passed a year on T. Finally getting somewhere.” There was a pause where Jared sipped at his coffee, finally letting himself get a good look at Evan. He was still.. soft, but the roundness in his face was a bit less, he was finally losing the baby face. He had his own fine stubble, now. He seemed.. happier. “You, uh.. look good too.”

“Thanks,” Evan let his voice trail off, crossing his legs and fidgeting with his straw bit. There he was. Jared felt himself calm down a bit as he saw a piece of the Evan he knew peek through. “Yeah, sorry to get sidetracked. Thanks for.. you know. Hearing me out?”

Jared just nodded, most of his brain power was going towards not thinking too hard about the feeling in his chest. That was unimportant. He was just thrown off. They hadn’t talked in almost a year, after all.

“Yeah. I guess first.. I’m here?” Evan broke eye contact, looking around them and gesturing with one hand. After he let his gaze drop to his drink. “I actually ended up getting a scholarship we weren’t sure I’d get and mom, you know, she really wanted me to start school now that we had that extra money. She didn’t want me to fall too far behind and get worried about being older than my peers.”

“Hey, well. Money’s good.” Jared mentally kicked himself. Again, all of his brain cells were focused elsewhere, words weren’t his strong suit.

“That’s not the only reason I wanted to talk, though. I mean, which you know.” The familiar nervousness seemed to return and Jared watched Evan fidget with his shirt. His voice held fairly steady, though. It was.. nice. “I guess first, maybe, I wanted to let you know that the Murphys know. About.. everything.” Jared’s panicked look jolted Evan a bit and he scrambled to continue, “I mean, not _everything_ but.. they know that it was, like, fake. I didn’t tell them about you though. I just wanted you to.. be aware of that.”

“Oh,” Jared’s gaze dropped to the grass and he nodded, “uh, thanks.”

“I mean, of course. I.. yeah, that’s kind of why I want to apologize, too. I shouldn’t have gotten you involved.” Evan fidgeted with his hand, curling his fingers to pick at his cuticles with his thumb. “It wasn’t fair. It was especially unfair for me to.. turn on you over it. I know I can’t.. just fix everything by saying sorry, but I didn’t want to _not_ apologize to you. That was.. fucked. It was all kinda fucked.”

“Yeah,” Jared mumbled, almost dumbfounded. Of course, an apology didn’t instantly fix everything but.. it felt good.

“And,” Evan interjected quickly, gripping his cup a bit tighter. “I didn’t mean it. I, well.. no, that’s not fair. When I said.. that to you, in the moment, I meant it. It wouldn’t be fair of me to claim I didn’t. I was angry and scared and.. I said it without thinking. I dragged you into that mess and then held it over you. I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” Jared mumbled, sipping at his coffee. When Evan glanced up and tilted his head he continued. Though, he grimaced a bit, feeling exposed as he talked. “I.. said some stupid things to you. Stupid things that weren’t fair, like, y’know.. the whole car insurance thing. Y’know.. family friends and that shit.”

All he could hope was that Evan understood what he was getting at. That Jared wasn’t just _using_ him, that ‘family friends’ was a cover up. He felt itchy, fidgeting a bit in discomfort.

“Yeah.. I, yeah. I think.. part of me knew. Or hoped?” Jared felt his heart sink, knowing that his stupid comments really had carried that much weight. “You were my best friend. I mean, my only friend but.. also my best friend. And, if it’s cool, I kinda want to.. work on that? I, uh, miss you.”

Jared’s mouth felt dry and he kept sipping at his coffee, nodding in silence for a second. “Yeah. Fuck, yeah man. I.. do too.” He was ready to slip back into a sarcastic banter, to get on Evan’s nerves until he freaked out in that way that wasn’t truly angry. (That way that made Jared laugh. The ‘nerve riddled, yet conscious enough to be gentle’ smack to the back of his head when Jared got a bit too out of line. The way Evan would get up in his face, talking quickly and frustratedly as Jared egged him on.) “But, uh.. I wanted to, like, ask you something?”

Evan just nodded, that soft look he wore all too well crossing his face.

“The note. Connor’s note.. that was,” Jared took a breath, “that was yours. Right?”

Evan froze, pulling at a stray thread on his shorts. “Yeah,” his voice was almost lost in the breeze.

The other question died in Jared’s throat, he didn’t want to know the answer anymore. It was enough to have his fears confirmed. He didn’t want to think about Evan’s _accident_ any more than he had to, he didn’t want to ask because he wasn’t sure he was ready for the answer. It was easier to just blindly believe it was an accident. It very well could have been. “I.. thought so. I, yeah. I’m just. Y’know, I’m sorry. I should have..”

“It’s.. it’s fine. I mean, I’m better now? I don’t want to,” Evan trailed off, waving his hand a bit. Jared could respect that. “I’ve been doing better. They switched my meds and I found a therapist on campus. They actually, uh, revisited stuff and found out I have ADHD. So now I’m getting treated for that specifically.. and I think it’s working better than just the, like, antidepressants. I feel better.”

“That’s good,” the words fought Jared as he forced them out. It wasn’t like he _wasn’t_ happy for Evan, it was all just overwhelming. He hadn’t expected it to just feel so normal between them - sure, they had things to work through, obviously considering how hard it was for Jared to say something genuine, but it felt good.

“It is. It really is. But, oh, I meant to ask.. what are you studying? I mean, I have a guess,” Evan couldn’t help the soft smile that crossed his lips and he let out a chuckle, “but I thought I’d ask.”

“Computer science.”

“Yup,” Evan’s smile pulled a bit wider and he dropped his gaze. Jared tried not to feel too flustered over the fact that Evan had thought about Jared, had remembered what he wanted to study. “I’m sure you could probably guess but I’m here for botany. I did my apprenticeship again this past summer. I have to talk to my advisor but.. they have this like extra track that I could do stuff with like, parks, y’know? I’m thinking of doing that.”

Jared couldn’t keep the smile off his face, shaking his head fondly. “Of _course_ you are.”

Really, he just couldn’t help but feel a bit more like himself around Evan.

They talked a bit more about their summer, Jared talked about Rich. Evan was happy for him and it was almost jarring. They talked about Jared’s transition. They talked about Evan’s mom. The conversation carried on with almost no gaps for the next hour until Evan spared a glance at the time.

“Shit. I gotta bounce. I promised my mom I’d call while she had her freetime.” Evan held onto his long empty cup as he stood up, brushing off his shorts. “I.. I know you’ve got your friend and everything but would you wanna meet up for dinner tonight?”

“Yeah,” Jared cleared his throat and nodded. “Yeah, man. I could introduce you.”

Evan smiled at that - Jared swore it was _blinding._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay but,, seeing the vids of sincerely me on stage.. can we just talk about evan bc,, love him. especially him like smacking the back of jareds head at 'crack?' and him getting in jareds face with the banter about hyperventilating and jared just cracking up,, these boys i swear
> 
> kudos and comments mean the world <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings; just a mention of jareds mom and references to jared having a strained relationship with his parents
> 
> also a note! i edited a small part of evans dialogue in the past chapter and now he tells jared that he got an adhd diagnosis and has been doing better since his treatment now reflects the new diagnosis!

The conversation kept playing through Jared’s head, even after he’d gotten back to his dorm. He set the iced coffee cup down on his desk, there was just some water from where the ice had melted left in the bottom. It was definitely stupid, but he couldn’t help but just feel his chest tighten when he looked at it. Nope. He shook his head, grabbing the cup again before practically slamming it in the trash.

No way. No way was Evan Hansen going to just reappear in his life and totally flip everything on its head. He wasn’t going to buy Jared one coffee and suddenly earn his spot back.

His spot. His spot as what?

Jared groaned and rubbed at his face under his glasses, he knew that not admitting it wouldn’t make it any less true. Evan had been his best friend. And Jared wanted that back, he wanted it back an almost scary amount. It made him feel pathetic how much he just wanted Evan to be  _ around  _ him. Pathetic and needy.

With another groan he all but threw himself onto the futon, burying his face in their single accent pillow. His glasses creaked dangerously, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about the line that would probably be creased against his cheek. He was lucky they were even talking. Sure, Evan had pulled a real dick move senior year but Jared had never been able to shake the fact that he had been right. Evan was his only friend. But that wasn’t the  _ only  _ reason they talked. All he wanted was to just forget about it now that apologies had been thrown out there.

Though he couldn’t help but worry his apology would never be quite enough.

Evan had been a dick but Jared had made a  _ career  _ out of it. One shitty apology that he barely managed to choke out wouldn’t cut it. Nothing would ever cut it. 

Of course, the second he’s alone he just falls right back into beating himself up. Maybe he hadn’t been holding up as well as he thought he was. That or Evan just had a horribly strong effect on him. With a sigh he shifted until he could flop down onto his back, pulling his glasses off and letting them clatter on the floor as he grabbed his phone.

**richie (bitch) (2:59 pm):** im over at mikey and jers place ill see u later  
**richie (bitch) (2:59 pm):** :pppppppp

Well, his plan worked at least. He just tried not to be too bitter over it - Evan had committed to seeing  _ him _ at dinner that night, that was his own win. It was already more than he could’ve expected. So why did he want to expect even more?

* * *

**richie (bitch) (3:45 pm):** okay srry in advance but michaels taking me and jer to dinner  
**richie (bitch) (3:45 pm):** promise well get dinner w u tmrw?  
**richie (bitch) (3:46 pm):** just havent seen these boys in so long

Jared yawned, moving so that he could sit up from where he’d been dozing on the futon, only having been jolted by his phone vibrating against his chest at Rich’s texts. He winced at the ache in his spine, right, binder. He really needed to stop taking random naps in the stupid thing. After a moment of hesitation he pushed himself to stand, not bothering with his glasses as he pulled off his open button up and t-shirt before struggling with his binder. He crossed his arms over his chest and stood hunched over for a second, pulling in long breaths before grabbing one of his hoodies off the top of his dresser. After a moment he pulled it over his head, his chest felt a bit better, at least.

Though, he still didn’t really feel  _ great. _

**Jared (3:51 pm):** so rich the guy michael i met and his roommate actually all went to hs together  
**Jared (3:51 pm):** theyre going out to dinner  
**Jared (3:52 pm):** so u can bail on me and just meet them tomorrow

It seemed obvious, that Evan would just dip out of their plans. After all, the plans were to meet everyone - not to have to sit down and deal with Jared on his own. He’d done enough of that earlier (and in the years they grew up together). And Jared was still mentally kicking himself over all the stupid shit he’d said without thinking. As he dropped back onto the futon his phone buzzed again and he sighed, not sure if he even wanted to see the response. Of course it would be Evan, it wasn’t like his parents would be texting.

**Asshole (Evan) (3:59 pm):** That’s alright!   
**Asshole (Evan) (3:59 pm):** We can still get dinner! We can still get tacos or we can just head to the dining hall. I think they have stir fry tonight. :p

Jared couldn’t help the warm feeling that spread through his chest at that. He’d deny it until everyone around him stopped listening, but it was nice to relish it on his own. Curled up on his futon it felt nice. When Evan wasn’t digging himself into holes and acting impulsively.. he really was great. And when Jared allowed himself to accept his friendship.. Evan was ready to offer it. Whether he liked it or not they had some sort of innate connection, underlying and waiting for them to accept it.

Returning to that connection made Jared wince a bit at the contact name. Right. Maybe it was time to change that. Normally he didn’t have an issue with playful name calling, Rich being a prime example, but every time he saw the name he just remembered the day he switched it. He remembered the hurt he’d been feeling.

**Jared (4:02 pm):** dining hall for sure  
**Jared (4:02 pm):** that way i dont have to get dressed ‘properly’  
**Jared (4:03 pm):** i could just wear slippers downstairs and eat dinner if i want  
**Evan (Asshole) (4:05 pm):** For sure dude!  
**Evan (Asshole) (4:05 pm):** Head down at like 6?

Hey, he couldn’t change overnight. It may have been a small change but it made him laugh. 

**Jared (4:07 pm):** sureee  
**Jared (4:08 pm):** might fall the fuck asleep tho come knock on my door if i dont respond at 6  
**Jared (4:08 pm):** room 3433 youll see the nametags on the door  
**Evan (Asshole) (4:10 pm):** Got it!

There was a moment where Jared just stared at the screen before locking his phone. Part of him just wanted to invite Evan over, to just be around him. The other part of him dreaded having to figure out how to interact with him again. It was a double edged sword, really. He couldn’t help but miss Evan, no one knew him the same way that he did. That hurt still followed him though, that aching fear he’d always carried that had been amplified by Evan. That fear that he could never be enough. And, yeah, it hurt more coming from Evan than it would have from anyone else. Not that he’d ever really had friends, but when he’d gone to summer camps and was pushed out of social groups with insults (poorly veiled or not) he was able to recover. Because he had someone he cared about at home. Until he didn’t. 

But maybe he didn’t have to.. not have him anymore.

That was also scary in its own way.

Of course he wanted Evan around, but he was scared of falling. Again. Having Rich around was nice, they were strangely similar, and Rich wasn’t his type. They were friends. Simple. Evan made his chest tight. (He even kept his own thoughts vague, he was and denial were close friends.)

With a heavy sigh Jared let his eyes fall shut, he was too tired to keep thinking. There was a comforting warmth to the hoodie he had on, offsetting the AC blasting on the other side of the room. Tugging the hood over his head he let himself sink further into the cushions before drifting off again.

* * *

A knock drew Jared from his nap, he jolted a bit and barely caught himself so he didn’t fall off the futon. He let out a groan that was supposed to serve as an acknowledgement but it must have gone unheard as there was another tentative knock. Sighing, he pushed himself up, stumbling a bit as he got to the door, twisting the lock so he could pull it open. He wasn’t wearing his glasses but it was easy enough to recognize Evan. Jared squinted, rubbing at his eyes as he spun around to head back into the room, leaving Evan in the doorway. He reached down to grab his glasses from where they’d fallen earlier, slipping them on. By the time he turned around again Evan had taken a nervous step into the room, leaning on the door.

“Not sleeping well?” Now that he could see, Jared noticed the subtle concern creasing Evan’s features.

With a shrug Jared moved towards his desk, grabbing his wallet and keys to tuck them into his hoodie pocket. After a moment of deliberation he headed towards his dresser and shoved his feet into the pair of crocs that had sat abandoned there. “Not really any less than I would usually?” 

“You need to get your hands on some melatonin, dude. Classes start in a few days.” Evan tossed on a soft smile but Jared kept his eyes down as he led the way out of the room, turning around to lock the door behind them. 

“You sound like my mom.” Jared rolled his eyes with a soft snort, tucking his keys back into his pockets. After a brief pause he tilted his head, as if in thought, as they waited for the elevator. “Actually she’d say it with a lot more disdain sprinkled in. And probably a threat about my grades.”

“I guess she’s still the same?” The softness in Evan’s voice made him want to pull on his hoodie strings until he could disappear inside his hood. He had grown too used to just complaining about parents with Rich and he’d forgotten how bad Evan had always felt for him.

“Oh, yeah,” Jared tried to play it off, giving a shrug as they stepped into the elevator. He watched Evan’s hand as he reached to press the button to take them down to the main floor. “At least she’s not breathin’ down my neck. For now.”

Evan gave him a sort of sad smile and Jared grit his teeth when he felt his heart flip, sticking his arms into the pocket of his hoodie. Before he could even open his mouth Jared knew that something far too nice or comforting would come from him. “Well, you got some space now. It’d be a commute to come down here to bug you.”

“Yeah,” Jared cleared his throat, rocking on his heels as he saw they approached the main floor. As soon as the door opened he stepped out, only half glancing back to make sure Evan was with him. He was silent for a second, but he couldn’t help the words that tumbled out. “Which is fine, I guess. Considering. But, fuck, it’s pretty telling when you don’t even text your kid for, like, a week.”

Evan seemed caught off guard by his candidness and it was enough for him to move half a step closer to him to bump their shoulders together (as well as he could considering their height difference). “My mom would probably text you if you asked her.”

All Jared could manage was to roll his eyes as they headed towards the dining hall. He desperately thought for any sort of quip he could bite back with but he wasn’t sure how far was too far anymore. It was all just a bit overwhelming. He mentally kicked himself for that one, how many times would he think of Evan and the word ‘overwhelming’ at the same time? It was just odd, seeing him so comfortable in his own skin. Though, it only made him want to find a way to ruffle Evan’s feathers even more. If just to see the way he scrunched up his face in that one way. He finally lifted his gaze to peek over at him, watching his fingers twist around the edge of his shirt. Some things never changed, he supposed.

That was comforting, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments keep me inspired <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay,, evan time folks

Being with Jared was something that Evan found deeply comforting, yet at the same time, overwhelmingly nerve wracking. Though, to be fair, he tended to feel that way about a lot of things. 

Evan’s brain ran a mile a minute as he followed Jared through the dining hall line, student id ready in his hands to give to the worker. Once they were swiped in he tucked the card in his pocket, not trusting his twitchy hands to put it back in his wallet without dropping it and then holding up the whole line-

Right. Dinner.

Picking up his pace, he placed himself right at Jared’s side now, picking at his cuticles to keep himself grounded. He spared a glance around the dining hall, looking between all the little set up buffet areas with different types of food. He’d mentioned the stir fry but there were plenty of options and now he really regretted not looking at the full menu and just planning exactly what he wanted to grab-

“Did you want stir fry?” Jared’s voice pulled him from where his mind was wandering and he spared a glance down at him before looking over at the line for the stir fry. He watched people pointing down at what they wanted to add and his chest tightened a bit, he could barely place an order at Subway on a good day. “Or we could say fuck it and get mac and cheese,” Jared added, tilting his head towards one of the other areas that was just full of whatever food you might expect at some middle class white family’s dinner party. Macaroni, potatoes, some assorted vegetables. He was sure there was a better way to describe it but his brain was just  _ tired  _ after the day he had.

“Yeah,” Evan said quickly, perking up a bit as they started moving to get in line to get their food. He felt a bit more at ease to be out of the center of everything, at least he didn’t feel like he was blocking a path. While they waited for the line to move they grabbed plates from one of the stacks of them that were placed around each separate food ‘area’. Evan bit the inside of his cheek, still not really sure what to call everything. Instead of getting too into his head he just took a deep breath, steadying himself.

“Good to see you’re still just as awkward as ever,” Jared snorted quietly, moving to scoop some macaroni onto his plate as the line finally allowed them to get up to the food. “You had me worried earlier, looked way too confident to be  _ Evan Hansen,  _ y’know?”

“Shut up,” Evan grumbled, moving to knock his ankle against Jared’s before putting some macaroni and cheese on his own plate. It came to him naturally, instigating some sort of physical contact between them. Jared’s only response was to bark out a quiet laugh and it made Evan perk up a bit, put at ease as Jared also seemed to relax.

“Witty as ever, too. Huh?” Evan just rolled his eyes, nudging Jared with his shoulder so he could get himself some broccoli from one of the trays in the buffet area. He watched Jared grab a piece of cornbread with some tongs, dropping it on his plate before he started to head off. Evan glanced over the food, biting back a quiet panic as he struggled to decide if he wanted anything else. Deciding against it, he just spun around and power walked to catch up with Jared who was awkwardly balancing two apples in his hand, holding them up towards Evan. “Thought we should at least get some nutrition.”

All Evan could manage was a nod, wiping his palm off on his shirt before grabbing the apple. He glanced at his plate and, realizing there was no room, he just held onto the apple. They headed past the desserts and Evan must have been looking at them a little too long because he hadn’t realized that Jared wasn’t moving, tucking his apple into his hoodie pocket so that he could grab some silverware. He just barely avoided a collision, rocking back on his heels slightly and gripping his plate tighter.

Seemingly unaware of the struggle that just had taken place, Jared glanced up at him, holding up a hand with two forks, signaling that he had Evan covered. If his hands weren’t full he would have given a thumbs up with his nervous smile.

“Fuck, this reminds me of the school cafeteria.” Jared groaned as he navigated around groups of people getting drinks. Evan almost asked him if they should grab drinks but kept his mouth shut, their hands were already full. They needed to find a table.

“And why we ate in the library?”

“Sometimes.” Jared’s expression was unreadable as he led the way, the side of his face hidden by his hood that was still up. Evan furrowed his brow.

Luck must have been on their side because some group was shuffling away from a booth seat, laughing amongst themselves. Jared wasted no time in lowering his head and picking up his pace, setting his plate down before anyone else could so much as look at the table. Evan almost wanted to apologize to all the other people who were looking for seats, especially the groups - the booth could probably hold six people if they really tried to fit and here they were, taking the whole thing. Before he could suggest giving it to someone else Jared practically pushed him a half step closer to the booth, mumbling at him to ‘just sit, already’. He really couldn’t argue with that. 

Before he sat, Evan set his plate on the table and grabbed a napkin to set his apple on, wiping his palms on his shorts. By the time he was sitting he felt himself calm down a bit, because he  _ really was _ doing better than he had before. He just had to remind himself of that. It was easy to lose sight of progress when he was still able to notice all his anxiety-driven behaviors. He just had to remember that Evan one year ago would have probably had a panic attack, left his food, and skipped dinner altogether. Now he was able to sit down and grab his fork, poking at his food while trying to block out all the chatter around him.

Evan was altered to Jared’s presence before he even spoke, his attention caught by the telltale squeak of crocs and the sight of their obnoxious yellow color passing his peripheral as he kept his head down. “I got a Coke and this like.. orange water bullshit with, uh, like the antioxidants or whatever.”

Evan raised his head, cracking a grin as he watched Jared set the cups down before sliding into his seat across the table.

“Take your pick, but I thought you’d probably like something as bland as water but with some color so you’re not the asshole drinking  _ water  _ when you have, like, a billion options.”

“Thanks,” he managed, reaching out to slide the cup closer to himself. Jared said nothing, already starting on his food. Evan couldn’t bring himself to mind too much, Jared really wasn’t someone who was equipped to deal with genuine praise and it looked like he was trying to hold back some snarky response for Evan’s sake.

For a few minutes they ate in silence, at some point Jared shifted to pull his apple from his pocket, dusting it off before he started on it. Evan tried not to watch him eat, feeling weird about it, and turned his attention back to his broccoli. Another few minutes passed before either of them tried to talk and it seemed that Jared had beat him to the punch.

“-nice to see you’re still kinda a mess,” Jared was waving his hand around a bit as he was talking, “I mean you had me worried a bit, thought you might have turned on me and became a capable adult and-”

Evan felt his cheeks heat up and he was sure the redness was spreading to his ears. Part of him knew that Jared just talked that way, that he just joked without thinking, but it still made him shift uncomfortably. Was it so weird that Evan could be able to do things on his own - didn’t Jared  _ want  _ that for him? In fact, he’d already made a similar joke before they’d come to sit down - was it really so outrageous that he could get better?

“Can you like..” Evan swallowed thickly, voice dying down towards the end, “stop.”

“What? I’m just saying-” The grin was wiped off Jared's face and he faltered mid chuckle as Evan flinched a bit, tightening his hold on his fork.

“Seriously can you just,” his voice faltered again and he barely stifled a frustrated whine. “What’s so funny about me being able.. to do shit? Or.. Or about me  _ not  _ being able to and having, like, an episode?”

“Fuck, man.” Jared just dropped his gaze, his own tone faltering as he held his hands up in a mock surrender. “I just thought..”

_ Thought they’d go back to normal. _ Evan didn’t need him to say it to understand.

“It’s just.. not funny.” Evan’s anger began to die down a bit and he heaved out a long sigh, poking at his food with his fork. “My therapist.. uh, part of my stuff has been setting up boundaries.”

“I didn’t mean..” Jared cleared his throat and Evan waited for him to get defensive, to brush him off. “I’m sorry.”

A silence settled between them but Evan couldn’t help but smile, feeling his shoulders relax. He knew Jared too well to stay too upset, normally he wouldn’t like to just excuse him and give him a free pass (especially now that he had boundaries) but it was  _ Jared.  _ Even if he wouldn’t open up, Evan knew how much he struggled and he harbored a soft spot for him. So, in the interest of keeping him from closing himself off (which, it took their fight for Evan to even  _ realize  _ or consider the possibility that Jared struggled as much as he did) he tried to pull Jared back out from whatever place he’d dipped into, getting that far off look Evan was too familiar with.

“Did you want dessert or, uh, is your mom still keeping you away from sugar?” Evan knocked their ankles together again, the touch causing Jared’s eyes to dart up to meet his own.

“Asshole, I’m literally drinking Coke,” Jared snorted, reaching out to shift his glass a bit.

Evan’s cheeks flushed lightly, and he sputtered a bit - he was just trying to be funny but he’d said something stupid and god, Jared was laughing at him now-

“I tried the vegan chocolate chip cookies yesterday, though. And holy shit, man. They’re fucking killer. I could eat like, six of ‘em.” It was Jared’s turn to shift their legs, slumping in his seat and moving until his knee bumped Evan’s thigh. “No more of my mom’s weird diet crazes.”

Evan was just nodding, almost frantically, as he pushed himself up from where he was sitting. He opened his mouth but shut it again without saying anything, instead he just settled on an awkward double thumbs up, nearly backing into someone as he scrambled past a table. Jared just watched him head off to where the desserts were, a soft fondness settling over him.

When he finally came back Evan glanced around one last time before setting the little plate he’d grabbed on the table. It was stacked with what Jared would guess was nearly ten cookies and  _ holy shit  _ he couldn’t help but laugh.

“What!” Evan fidgeted uncomfortably as he settled back into his seat, glancing over his shoulder. 

“Quite the criminal, Hansen. I’m surprised you managed to get away with this many,” Jared was already reaching for one and, to be fair, they were on the smaller end as far as cookies went. 

“Yeah, well,” Evan swallowed thickly and huffed a bit, crossing his arms, “be grateful. Everyone was looking at me like I was some sort of,” his voice trailed off into a mumble Jared couldn’t quite catch.

“Probably wondering what a well-adjusted looking kid like you was doing manically shoving cookies onto a tiny plate.” Jared was grinning widely, already onto his second cookie and Evan fought to keep his blush from getting darker.

“I took them normally! You weren’t even there!” He lowered his voice in volume but his pitch shot up slightly. 

Bingo. That was what Jared was after.

“Oh, I know you,” Jared leaned his chin on his hand, grinning smugly, “I’ve seen you take the last thing of tater tots during third lunch on fridays. At least, after you have that battle about whether or not someone will be  _ terribly disappointed _ at the lack of tater tots. But.. your desire wins out and you’re sure no one will notice and you strike like a fucking  _ cobra  _ and-” Jared couldn’t even keep up his own bit, letting out a snort as he broke into laughter. Evan had resorted to lightly kicking at his shin under the table. “I remember the first time,” Jared took in a long breath, fighting back more laughter, “the first time I saw that. You took them and heard the kid behind us sigh and then you freaked out and turned around and  _ gave  _ him the tater tots.”

“Shut up!” Evan grumbled, leaning forward to take one of the cookies from his pile.

“Cute as a freakin’ button,” Jared couldn’t help but snort again. Evan felt himself freeze, but Jared was already breezing past it. “Then you got so upset I had to give you half of my tater tots!”

Evan considered pointing out that Jared didn’t  _ have  _ to, there had been times where Jared squirmed his way out of situations. But with Evan he usually caved. (Usually, but Evan didn’t like thinking about the whole cast situation.) Instead, he just breathed out his own laugh, absentmindedly rubbing at his face, as if it would help his blushing.

Jared just shook his head fondly, turning back to the cookies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another evan chapter,, there'll be more on jareds thoughts too soon!

Evan had a problem with overthinking - he knew this. That didn’t make it any easier to stop, it just made him feel a bit more guilty. He knew he wasn’t ready for the night to end but he also knew he needed to be aware of the fact that he  _ hurt  _ Jared and couldn’t assume that he’d instantly be alright with Evan clinging to him. (Because Evan  _ was  _ clingy.) Especially since Jared had his friends, he had his roommate. Just because Evan was a little lonely didn’t really mean he could start taking up all of Jared’s time. Maybe he should have looked for a roommate. The more rational voice in his head reminded him of the whole situation with him basically registering last minute and only getting his room because someone else backed out. Which meant he hadn’t really  _ chosen  _ his room situation.

“Ev?” Jared’s voice finally drew him from his thoughts - it was like he blinked and they had left the dining hall, standing in the lobby of their residence hall.

“Yeah?” His voice shook a bit and he cleared his throat, fingers pulling on the hem of his shirt.

“I asked if you wanted to get froyo?” 

Oh. Jared still wanted to hang out?

“Shit, yeah.” He couldn’t help but perk up a bit, following after Jared as he started walking towards the door. As they moved he finally pulled his hood down and Evan couldn’t help the warm fondness he felt at seeing his hair all ruffled. “I can still pay, too.”

“I’ll get it,” Jared waved a hand dismissively, as if him offering to get something for Evan was some simple thought and not a heartwarming gesture (at least in Evan’s eyes). “I’m actually getting money from my parents as long as my grades are up. Probably compensation for not giving a shit.”

Evan really wasn’t sure what to say to that, glancing over as Jared just sniffed and adjusted his glasses, as if he hadn’t just said something pretty sad. Scrunching up his face, Evan thought for a moment before bumping their shoulders together. At least he could blame it on the fact they were walking on a narrower stretch of sidewalk together. “That’s cool. I think I’m gonna look for some campus job for next semester as long as I can, like, handle school.”

School was expensive and Evan knew his mom needed help because for whatever reason she didn’t make Evan take out his own loans and was  _ helping him pay  _ the huge price tag. The least he could do was pick up some work. But she’d made him promise to wait until second semester at least, just to make sure he was able to keep up with his work and establish himself before adding more stress.

Jared got a sort of look on his face that Evan couldn’t quite read before he seemed to shake it off. He still kept his gaze down though, leaving them to walk in near silence. Maybe he should have turned down the request, Jared was probably just being polite. But when was Jared ever polite? But obviously Evan’s presence was making him uncomfortable. He just tried to keep his breaths even, remembering what his therapist told him about not everything being laid out in black and white. Maybe Jared was a little uncomfortable, but maybe he also wanted to see him.

At least the froyo place wasn’t too far away, they were crossing the street and heading towards the building in only around ten minutes. Evan stuck behind Jared and tried not to have any opinions on the fact that Jared didn’t pause and hold the door for him. He always used to.

“Didn’t take you for a froyo guy,” Jared’s voice caught him off guard as they headed back towards the cups and dispensers.

“I can be a froyo guy!” Was he trying to prove something?

“I thought you were an ice cream cone guy.” Jared finally spared him a glance before moving to get himself some coffee flavored froyo.

Evan blanked for a second, reeling from the fact that Jared had deemed that fact important enough to remember. When they had been at their peak of hanging out they would get ice cream from McDonald’s together a lot. Evan always opted for a cone when Jared got sundaes or McFlurrys. Maybe it wasn’t weird that he remembered, because Evan obviously remembered what Jared liked. He was about to shoot back with something about Jared liking McFlurrys but by the time he looked up, and moved to fill his own cup, Jared was stepping back and shifting towards the toppings. The moment had passed.

“They charge by weight, so don’t eat me outta house and home, Hansen,” Jared glanced back at him as he started to sprinkle Oreo crumbs over his froyo, lips quirking as he snorted out a laugh.

Evan looked up as he let go of the handle of the dispenser, making his way over to where Jared was, flashing some awkward finger guns as he set his cup on the counter. Jared just rolled his eyes, a tense smile pulling on his lips. Biting back a sigh, Evan turned to scan over the toppings. Maybe mango froyo wasn’t a good choice. Most of the toppings didn’t seem like they’d mesh well - cookie dough, chocolate chips, mini marshmallows. He winced a bit and settled on dropping a few gummy worms into the bowl. After a second he also dropped in some plain mini mochi. 

Following Jared up and around to the front he paused before they got to the register, eyeing the sauce-like toppings. After a second he reached for the marshmallow fluff, squeezing some on. The texture was more appealing than normal marshmallows. When he set the bottle back down he saw Jared’s gaze flit away, like he’d been watching. Shrugging it off he picked up the cup of froyo again, moving to the front of the counter. Jared took it from his hands so the cashier could set it on the scale and Evan stepped back to just glance around the shop. Seeing the price, no matter how small, would just make his stomach twist with guilt.

Before he knew it, Jared was pushing the bowl back into his hand, but now there was a spoon sticking out of it. It was slowly edging on eight pm and when Evan had been looking around he noticed the sun setting outside. 

“Y’know that little outlook kinda thing? Over the lawn area by the math building - and, uh, the other ones?” There was probably a name that people called it but that was part of being a freshman, learning stuff. “We could sit up there.”

Evan was nodding before Jared even finished talking, a slight smile crossing his face. It sounded nice.

* * *

“There was supposed to be some, like, yeti chase tonight.” 

They were sitting up on a sort of stone fence, looking down the hill towards the street. The main campus buildings that held a majority of gen ed classes were to their backs and down the hill they could see the little grassy park where the poster sale was. Groups of students were spaced out in the grass along the hill below them, enjoying the late night breeze. Behind them they could hear people passing along the pathway. Off to their side people came up and down the stairs, their footsteps almost echoed a bit. They’d watch anyone who came down the stairs as they passed into their field of view, heading down the hill and turning to follow the sidewalk to wherever their destination lay. 

The breeze rustled bushes that were beneath the slight drop-off beneath them, on the other side of the fence, well, sort of stone barrier, they sat on top of. The cement was rough on their legs but it was cool against their skin. It wasn’t too hot but Evan could feel his palms getting sweaty as soon as he finished his froyo. With nothing to keep his palms cold, specifically, they seemed to get right back to business.

“Huh?”

“Like some guy dresses up in a yeti costume. There’s clues and shit, right? So, groups of students will follow the clues to find him and then they chase him. It’s like an event to get people out before classes start, especially us freshies I guess.”

Evan breathed out a short chuckle, setting his cup down on the concrete next to his crossed legs. “Why aren’t we doing that?”

“We’d need a group? Plus I don’t really think that’s my thing. Or yours.”

With a thoughtful hum Evan just nodded a bit, focusing in on one of the streetlamps that dotted the sidewalk. Absentmindedly he started to fidget with the hem of his shirt. He could hear a slight rustle as Jared shifted and Evan felt his stomach twist - out of the corner of his eye he was able to pick up on some sort of tenseness. He tried to keep his breathing from getting short. A tense Jared was never good.

“You..” Jared trailed off, clearing his throat. He hesitated, probably choosing his words carefully. Evan almost winced, him running his mouth was what broke them in the first place. Right? Or had something broken earlier? “You thought.. I hated you?”

“I,” Evan froze, pausing in his fidgeting. “God,  _ no,  _ I mean.. I didn’t think you hated me.. I just thought I was an obligation.”

“But I,” Evan could have sworn he heard Jared’s voice crack. “I said the car insurance thing once. I.. it’s not like they were paying my car insurance when I was 13. Fuck, I’ve known you how long?”

Evan had to remind himself it was a rhetorical question and Jared didn’t want an answer.

“You.. didn’t sign my cast.” Jared winced but Evan just swallowed thickly and kept talking, “and you made up all these friends who were.. better than me-”

Cutting himself off, Evan finally connected some dots. Jared was.. scared. Right? Scared of what? It must have been something, for him to hide behind jokes and fake friends. Scared of being close?

“I did..” Jared paused, glancing around them. “I did the emails. I made time for you. I offered to help with the kickstarter.. maybe it wasn’t ‘no questions asked’, but  _ fuck,  _ man.”

Evan felt his heart sink. He’d thought Jared was using  _ him  _ but.. it really was the other way around wasn’t it?

“Jare.. shit.” He felt his throat tighten up a bit and he drew in a shaky breath. Of course an iced coffee and one apology wasn’t going to be enough. He just didn’t expect the conversations to be so hard.

“Don’t cry, asshole,” Jared choked out a weak laugh, “or I’ll start crying. Then we’ll both be crying and everyone’s gonna look at us.”

Before he recognized it, Evan found himself nodding. He gave his own shaky laugh before uncrossing his legs and stretching out one foot to hook his ankle with Jared’s. They sat like that for a while, awkwardly connected. It kept them grounded, though.

“I’m sorry.” Evan’s voice was almost carried away by the breeze and for a moment he worried it was too quiet. Before he could repeat himself he saw Jared nodding. He bit his tongue, keeping himself from just firing off and babbling out some long-winded apology. Sometimes less was more. And sometimes he said things he didn’t mean, or didn’t think about, when he let himself ramble.

“Ready to head back?”

If Evan thought about it he would probably determine that, no, he wasn’t ready. But it was getting late and Jared had already shown more emotional vulnerability in a day than Evan had seen since they were young. For his sake Evan nodded, waiting a moment before turning around to hop down from the stone fence, grabbing his empty froyo cup. By habit he stayed standing next to the wall - Jared was shorter, making the hop down harder on his knees. Sure enough he felt a hesitant hand on his shoulder as Jared used him for support as he dropped down from his spot.

Evan mustered a shaky smile. 

Some things never changed. And other things did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments keep me motivated <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise ill update my other stories soon yall.. i just love these boys

“Where you been, gay boy?”

Jared jumped at the voice, looking around his dorm for the source. Eventually Rich sat up in his bunk and Jared let his shoulders relax, rolling his eyes. Shutting and locking the door behind him, he kicked off his shoes and moved to put his keys and wallet on his desk. 

“How was your dinner date?” When Jared glanced up he could see Rich roll his eyes before flopping back down into his mess of pillows.

“Wasn’t a date!” 

Jared just snorted out a quiet laugh before kicking off his shorts to instead pull on some loose sweatpants. It wasn’t late enough where he felt like climbing up into his bunk, but he had been walking around and just wanted to lay down. After a moment of deliberation he flopped onto the futon, it really was convenient when his bed was taller than he was.

“Whatever you say, dude.”

There was a moment of quiet before Rich was sitting up again and Jared craned his neck to look at him. “Okay.. but, well, don’t let this go to your overinflated ego-” Jared couldn’t help but laugh. “But.. I’m absolutely not over him.”

“Well that hug he gave you was very not hetero.”

“Michael doesn’t do anything hetero, dude.” Rich scoffed a bit. “You’re dodging  _ my _ question, though.”

“Was it that obvious?” When there was no reply Jared just sighed and sank back into the cushions. “Alright, fine. I got dinner with Evan - he was going to meet you guys at dinner but you bailed with your estranged gay lover.”

“Evan? Like..  _ that _ Evan?” He could practically hear the grin in Rich’s voice. Jared couldn’t help but notice how he pointedly ignored the ‘gay lover’ comment.

“Yeah I-”

“I thought he was taking a gap year? When did all this happen? You didn’t say anything!”

“Jeez, fuck. Chill out dude,” Jared grumbled, not daring to sit up and look at Rich. He could already feel the heat settling over his cheeks and he didn’t need Rich noticing. “I ran into him in the hall like.. yesterday? We texted a bit and then I met with him after the poster sale - well, when I left.”

Rich blurted out a laugh and Jared felt the heat on his cheeks deepen.

“Shut up!” Jared grit his teeth and rolled his eyes. “We just like, talked about shit. He  _ was _ going to meet you guys, but then he said he’d still get dinner with me without you.”

Jared flinched when Rich laughed again.

“Fuck off! Let me finish, damn.” With a huff he just kept talking, hoping he sounded nonchalant, “so we had dinner and talked some more. It didn’t.. mean anything. He just, like, apologized and shit. Which was overdue.”

“Dude,” Rich sounded like he was struggling to hold back another harsh laugh, “it’s like.. past nine. There was no way you were at dinner that long.”

“We got froyo,” Jared muttered, staring at a point on the ceiling.

“Huh?”

“We.. got froyo.”

“You went on a  _ date  _ with him? And you’re making fun of me!”

“It wasn’t,” Jared’s voice came out harsh and he clenched his jaw, trying to keep himself from being too loud. (Part of him was paranoid that somehow Evan would hear from down the hall.) “It wasn’t a date.”

“Okay,” the exasperation in Rich’s voice was evident, “so you go on a froyo outing with a hot guy you were definitely in love with-”

“Fuck off.”

“Who it sounds like you’re absolutely  _ still  _ in love with, coming from a guy who also has some big gay woes right now.”

“Shut up.”

“That wasn’t a no.”

Jared’s only response was a raised middle finger. 

* * *

There was radio silence for the next few days. Evan tried not to overthink it. Keyword being  _ tried.  _ A few times he nearly cracked, pulling out his phone and skimming over their last exchange before just closing the thread and texting his mom about his day. Every time he thought about texting Jared his palms would get sweaty and his chest would get tight in  _ that  _ way. But he also got a quiet dread in the pit of his stomach, it was something he’d felt for so long at this point - the gnawing thought that their friendship was just a chore.

All he could do was try to remind himself of what Jared had told him the last time he’d seen him. While he hadn’t said anything in too certain of terms, Evan had gotten good at interpreting Jared’s way of communication. He had to remind himself he wasn’t a burden. He wasn’t a chore. Jared had taken a risk and had done so  _ much  _ for him. He cared. 

He took a deep breath.

Patience. It was something Evan was working on. Patience and just slowing down. His impulses had caused so much damage - his inability to step back and  _ breathe.  _

So he took another deep breath and set his phone down.

* * *

The first day of classes was alright - it definitely wasn’t like high school. Jared appreciated that. 

It was a bit disheartening to know, though, that some dingy building wasn’t keeping him bound to seeing Evan. If he wanted to see him it was going to take communication - something he needed to work on. But if anyone could get him to do it, it was Evan. It was always Evan.

Jared hated that Rich was right.

**Jared (2:25 pm):** whens ur last class  
**Evan (Asshole) (2:26 pm):** I’m done at 4pm!

Jared tried to pretend that the immediate responses didn’t make his heart do a little flip in his chest.

He didn’t really succeed with that one.

**Jared (2:27 pm):** wanna grab dinner   
**Jared (2:27 pm):** rich has a class until like 7 like a dumbass why would you pick a class then  
**Jared (2:27 pm):** and hes gonna eat with michael and jer

After the third text he forced himself to stop. Why was he trying so hard to convince Evan to eat with him? 

**Evan (Asshole) (2:29 pm):** Yeah!!  
**Evan (Asshole) (2:29 pm):** I’ll be back at the dorms by like 4:30? I walk kinda slow. 

Jared couldn’t help but breathe out a little laugh at that. He could just imagine Evan walking down the sidewalk, slowing down every time he passed a flower patch or a tree. He’d probably pause for a second and tilt his head, naming it in his head before he let himself move on. The thought brought a deep flush to Jared’s face and he cringed a bit, ducking his head as he headed into the dorm building’s elevator, jabbing the button for the fourth floor.

**Evan (Asshole) (2:32 pm):** When are you done?  
**Jared (2:33 pm):** im already done for the day  
**Evan (Asshole) (2:33 pm):** Oh. Are you busy at all?

Halfway through unlocking his door Jared froze. He shook himself out of it so he could at least stop standing in the hallway like some jackass. Evan wanted to.. see him? Actively, more than Jared was letting himself offer?

**Evan (Asshole) (2:36 pm):** Sorry! I know stuff is still weird. Yeah.  
**Jared (2:37 pm):** chill out dude  
**Jared (2:37 pm):** dont wanna go anywhere but u can come over if u want  
**Evan (Asshole) (2:38 pm):** Okay! :)

* * *

Evan had to keep reminding himself that it was  _ just Jared.  _ He’d known Jared for most of his life, there was no reason to be nervous around him. Even with their falling out, it was still Jared. He knew Jared. 

So why was he so  _ sweaty? _

A small part of his brain wondered if it was because Jared looked so good. Well - he seemed to be happy with himself, he finally was getting somewhere with hormones. It wasn’t weird for him to recognize that. It wasn’t weird for him to compliment him. Jared  _ deserved  _ to hear those sorts of things. 

A knock pulled Evan from his thoughts and it took him a second to realize it was him finally tapping on Jared’s door. 

“Come in, dude!” 

It was a bit muffled by the door, but Evan would recognize that voice anywhere. Steeling himself, he grabbed the doorknob, trying not to think too hard about how sweaty his hands felt as he pushed the door open. He’d seen Jared so many times over so many years but.. He closed the door softly behind himself, feeling his stomach flip as Jared smiled at him from where he was sat at his desk.

“Thought you weren’t busy?” It came out a bit weaker than Evan was hoping and he cleared his throat as he stepped into the room. He settled on sitting on the edge of the futon - it was close enough to Jared’s desk.

“Lookin’ for an excuse to bounce already?” Jared huffed out a short laugh, pushing his glasses up on his nose. Evan mentally kicked himself for the way it made him start fiddling with the hem of his shirt, nerves rising in his chest. “I was just doing somethin’ for fun.”

“What is it?” Evan leaned forward a bit where he sat, trying to focus on whatever was up on Jared’s computer rather than the soft look on his face.

“I’ve been practicing some coding.” Jared shrugged and Evan almost wanted to grab him by the shoulders and tell him it was  _ cool  _ because Evan couldn’t understand the first thing about coding or computers. “Ever since I got into all the backdating shit,” Evan couldn’t help his wince, “it kind of solidified that I wanted to do this.”

Jared made a wide gesture to his computer.

“Oh,” Evan faltered, he meant to say more but it died in his throat and he just moved to chew on his nails. Jared’s expression dropped before he turned back towards his computer. Maybe it would be harder to fall back into their usual back and forth teasing than he thought.

“I, uh,” Jared coughed and shifted in his seat, reaching to grab something off to his right on the desk. He opened up his hand to show Evan what he was holding. “Learned this trick. Programmers will have a rubber duck and when they’re debugging they read their code to the duck until they find the problem.”

“That’s..” Evan pulled his hand away from his mouth and his lips twitched into a smile as he hesitantly took the duck from Jared’s hand. “That’s cute.”

“It’s innovative,” Jared supplied with a good natured eye roll. “Rich makes fun of him.”

It took Evan a second to realize Jared meant the little duck he held in his palm. It was dressed like an astronaut. Evan couldn’t hold back his laugh, eyes crinkling at the corners. “Really? He’s cool as fuck! He’s an astronaut!” 

Jared leaned back into his chair laughing in  _ that way  _ and Evan fidgeted his feet, feeling his cheeks warm up. After a second Jared stuck out his hand and Evan sat up a bit straighter, dropping the duck back into his palm. 

* * *

“Oh my god!” Jared’s words shook as he sputtered out a laugh, sinking back into the futon. “No way!”

Evan felt his face light up and he tried to convince himself it was just out of embarrassment and not the way Jared seemed to laugh with his whole body. He tried to say something but his voice faltered.

“I mean, I believe it but,” another laugh fell from his lips and he rubbed at his face, pushing his glasses up. “Of fucking course!”

“Hey!” Evan finally found his voice, crossing his arms and knocking his knee against Jared’s. It was a watered down version of their old interactions. Before he hadn’t been afraid to knock him upside the head (gently) to quiet his smug laugh (though it usually just made him laugh harder), but he was conscious of the distance between them. So he just knocked their knees together and glanced off to the side, cheeks red. “Shut up!”

Jared had moved to the futon at some point and their aimless conversation eventually drifted to Evan’s summer. He really didn’t have too many entertaining stories, so it was to be expected that he’d recount his one actual story. And, sure, it was a funny story but-

“Who else would knock over a full display,” Jared took a breath between laughs, “at a  _ Pottery Barn  _ because he was looking at a.. a fake-”

“Shut up!” Evan was laughing now, too.

“A fake fiddle leaf tree!” Jared doubled over, wheezing. “You knocked over a whole shelf!”

“I..” Wiping at his cheeks Evan shook his head, elbowing Jared’s shoulder lightly, “I.. it was inaccurate! I was trying to figure out why it.. it looked off!”

“You were carrying,” Jared gasped in between his laughs, “you were carrying a table lamp?!”

“And it was expensive!”

That only seemed to set Jared off more and they both collapsed into slowly fading fits of laughter. Eventually Jared took a shuddering breath, wiping at his face under his glasses. “You.. you are one hell of an individual, Hansen.”

“Well, maybe they should make their fake plants more accurate.. Especially.. Especially if they’re gonna charge, like, a hundred dollars.”

“Never change.”

Evan wasn’t sure if he heard it right and he just smiled to himself as Jared cleaned his glasses off on his shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all your kudos and comments mean the world to me <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope yall enjoy this chapter just know im fully in deh hell now because i just paid almost 300 dollars for some merch- hope yall are ready for me to keep making kleinsen fics im in deep
> 
> yeah just some.. pent up feelings and awkward tenderness in this chapter

“So.. when do, uh,” Evan was standing up from the futon, nervously rubbing at his nose. “Sorry, I, uh-”

“Haven’t heard much of that.” Jared’s voice cut him off, rumbling with a quiet laugh. When Evan stumbled over his response he spoke up again, “apologies, that is.”

“Oh! Uh, sorry.” With a flinch Evan rubbed at his arms and winced when Jared rolled his eyes, putting on a weak smile. “No I.. I was going to ask.” There was a pause and he tried to collect himself, remembering everything he’d been working on. “When I’m going to meet.. everyone? Since we were going to get dinner together like Sunday and it’s Wednesday?”

Jared froze up at that, clearing his throat as he moved to grab his wallet off his desk. He kept his back turned as he shrugged, shoving his wallet into his pocket before snatching his keys. For once Evan was seeking out eye contact and came up with nothing.

“They’re just busy,” Jared’s voice seemed tense. “Rich was catching up with them, too. Didn’t wanna intrude on that.”

Evan wanted to ask why they couldn’t have been catching up more, then, themselves. His brain wanted to supply all the answers it had grown used to, wanted to bite back that it was  _ him,  _ that Jared just didn’t want to be close to him again. Whenever his brain started on that track he tried to remember his mom and what his therapy had been telling him. People knew him and still loved him after. People knew him and still liked him. He took a breath, running over all the things he could say or ask.

“Alright.” It wasn’t what he’d wanted to say but it was too late to try anything else.

* * *

“Did you want to come.. uh see my plants?” 

There had been a tenseness at dinner and it was starting to wear down on Evan. He felt his anxieties bubbling up and he really considered just taking some melatonin and trying to force himself to go to bed early. But important things were often uncomfortable. And the air around Jared was uncomfortable.

“Plants?” The way Jared snorted out the laugh had Evan waiting for the dismissal. He was far too used to that sound. Jared would repeat back what he said, he’d laugh a bit, and then he’d go off on his own. 

“Yeah,” Evan fidgeted with his shirt as they stepped off the elevator. To the left was Jared’s room. To the right was his own. “I’ve got a little fern.”

There was no verbal response but Jared shifted slightly towards him, to the right.

With a smile Evan led the way towards his room. Jared hadn’t seen his room yet and he was honestly a little excited to show his space.

After passing three doors they came to a stop, on the door was a blue paper star with  _ Evan Hansen  _ on it in bold lettering. There was nothing else. Jared’s face scrunched up -  _ his  _ door was home to a red star with  _ Jared Kleinman  _ and an orange star with  _ Richard Goranski. _

“No roommate?” While Evan obviously knew Jared was next to him the voice still made him flinch a bit, he barely caught his key, fumbling with it before he could just unlock the door.

“Uh, no.” There had been something almost accusatory in Jared’s tone that had set him on edge. “Since I didn’t really.. plan on being here I just ended up in whatever room they had. Someone else was, uh, supposed to have this room but I think they dropped out?”

“Thought.. they used legal names on these things?” Jared paused and tapped the piece of paper.

“Oh.” Evan perked up a bit, rubbing at his arm. “Yeah, I.. mom and I worked on getting it changed over the summer. So I’m.. legally not Mark anymore. It’s.. just Evan now. Which, uh, I had no idea how complicated that shit was. I didn’t know you.. you uh had to go through so much when you were doing it.”

Jared just hummed thoughtfully, looking around as Evan flipped on the lights and fully moved into the room. Once the door shut it was nearly silent. In an effort to break through whatever was surrounding Jared, Evan shuffled over towards the windowsill, gesturing to the selection of potted plants there. 

“Uh.. yeah. Here.” Evan winced, he’d been hoping to say more but his mouth just felt dry.

“You named ‘em didn’t you?” The expression Jared pulled was teetering on teasing. He was trying.

“This one,” he went right past Jared’s teasing, though his smile was a bit more genuine, “is Connor.”

“Dude.” When Evan glanced over Jared was cringing a bit, though a nervous laugh slipped out, “are.. you serious?”

“My therapist said it might be good for me!” Normally Evan would have gotten more fidgety, more defensive but he was able to keep himself a little more relaxed as he looked at the fern. It was potted in a sort of wide and shallow pot, the stems were tall but fanned out into what more closely resembled a fern. “I think it does?”

“This one?” The question threw Evan off, he hadn’t really expected Jared to indulge in what he cared about and,  _ wow,  _ that was sad. They hadn’t really talked about what they were interested in since they started high school. Well, aside from the occasional words in passing. Evan on his  _ tree expertise  _ and Jared on his  _ tech prowess.  _ They never got too far into it.

Maybe things couldn’t go back to normal. Maybe Evan didn’t want them to. He wanted to get to know this Jared a little better - the best parts of him were still there and it seemed like the roughness around his edges was being smoothed down a bit. He still seemed to be avoidant, if the last few days meant anything, but in the end he ended up reaching out to  _ Evan.  _ For once it wasn’t Evan fighting through his anxiety to shoot Jared a message first or to hit that video call button.

“This one,” he gestured to the air plant next to the fern, fingertips brushing over the round glass that housed it, “I named it after my mom because she got it for me.”

Perking up he moved to the last plant, poking at one of the leaves, “this one’s a echeveria.. er, uh, succulent. You probably could tell.”

“What’s its name?” Jared seemed to be aware of how Evan had shrunk back a bit the second he started to let his interest show a bit more, unable to fully escape fear of judgement.

“This one’s, well, actually Zoe named her Sweet Pea.” Evan let out a short chuckle at that, “which I mean, I thought was weird since sweet peas are a plant, too. But I told her she could name it so I didn’t want to change it.”

“Zoe?” Jared’s shoulders tensed up, he shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Oh. Yeah.” There was a brief moment of quiet where Evan fidgeted, rubbing at his nose. “We.. uh, we talked a little over the summer. Mostly I just wanted to apologize, but we talk on and off. It’s nice to.. get to know her for real. It’s helped me get past some of this stuff, too. We’re able to talk about things that aren’t.. well, you know.”

He hadn’t meant to ramble that much and with a sniff he rubbed at his arm before pulling at the bottom of his shirt.

“Yeah.” There was another quiet moment between them and Jared just cleared his throat. “I should dip. Got a stupid morning class tomorrow and I gotta get shit done before bed.”

Evan couldn’t help but question what Jared had to do after the first day of classes, but he couldn’t get himself to vocalize it. Instead he scrambled for something to say because it was abrupt and he thought things were okay and it must have been  _ him,  _ but he didn’t know what he said wrong.

“Um, hey,” the words were soft but Jared still paused in his tracks. He barely managed to bite back an apology, trying to find anything else to say. “What.. I mean, I just thought you’d stick around a little.”

“Oh.” There was another cough where Jared cleared his throat, Evan’s brow pinched in confusion. After a moment of awkward hesitation Jared shuffled across the room, slowly lowering himself into Evan’s desk chair. “So. Zoe?”

“Yeah. We’ll video chat sometimes it’s.. a lot easier now to just exist around each other without being a certain way.”

“I.. uh meant,” Jared tried to cover his fumble with that smug expression he loved to pull. There was something uncomfortable in it, though. “You..  _ and  _ Zoe.”

“Oh!” Evan felt his face flush and he crossed his arms, fighting the urge to chew at his nails. “No, no way. I put so many expectations.. into her and that. It was.. wrong and it just wasn’t.. yeah. I’m not into her. Like that.”

The expressions on Jared’s face was something akin to disbelief - but not in the sense of awe or surprise. It was more like he genuinely didn’t believe what Evan was trying to get across. 

“It just seems a little crazy,” Jared’s words lifted a bit in their tone and  _ that  _ smile crossed his face. It wasn’t a real smile, his brows were drawn together and there was something accusatory brewing behind his eyes. “Y’know?” Evan  _ didn’t  _ know. “Suddenly you were able to scrounge up some money for college and we both know you didn’t have that money. And then, oh! It turns out you’re talking to Zoe Murphy again.”

A bitter laugh filled the space between them and Evan picked at the skin on his arm nervously.

“What.. I don’t know what..” All the panic that had been held back was threatening to boil over. When it came to Jared he was usually able to push through, even when he was confrontational, but now he was just confused and - was the air thin? The air felt thin. He pulled in a shuddering breath. “What are..”

“I was just asking  _ what  _ scholarship you got. I’m just curious.” Jared was standing, hands moving frantically as he spoke. He seemed to notice this and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. “Scholarships usually aren’t for a shitton of money. And I’m just walking down the hall one morning and I run into Mr. Gap Year who is, very clearly, not taking a gap year anymore.”

“Jared?” Evan’s expression creased in confusion, he felt  _ itchy. _

“And you’re talking to Zoe. Sure, you’re saying there’s no funny business but I know you aren’t above dragging people along.” Evan flinched. He knew it was going to take work to repair what they had but,  _ fuck,  _ he was trying. Couldn’t Jared see that? “Because I heard the Murphys offered you a  _ really _ nice deal before. Or, scholarship, I’d guess.”

“You.. you think they’d really give that to me after everything? After they.. found out that it was  _ me  _ who fucked their life up?” The words were frantic, falling from his lips a bit too fast. Most people might not be able to pick out what he was saying but Jared had grown used to it. He drew in a breath, fighting to push out more words but Jared was already talking again.

“I’m just saying,” another bitter laugh. “You’re good at.. there’s something about you that people can’t help but want to help. I know you’re not above using that. I’m just saying good for you, dude.”

“Jesus, Jared!” Evan’s stomach was in knots and he knew he fucked up but he never meant to  _ use  _ people. He just wanted to do something good for once. “I didn’t.. I didn’t even tell you about that! About the money.. about..”

“Family friends,” he shot it back quickly, as soon as the words had left Evan’s mouth. “Overheard your mom talking about it to my mom.”

“It’s not like that. It’s.. That’s not where I got money.” There was a beat where Jared just shuffled his feet. “Zoe’s.. my friend.”

Jared had seemed to lose steam and just.. looked a bit lost now. Uncomfortable. Evan took that as his cue, whether it was purposeful or not, Jared was offering up some vulnerability for once.

“I’ve just been trying to.. give everyone the apologies they deserve.” Evan cleared his throat and made a move to step closer, shrinking the distance between them. He tried to keep the words slow and steady. “I meant everything I said. Uh, to you. I.. didn’t.. I fucked up and I didn’t mean to use you like that. I can say it as many times as you need. I’m serious.. you were my best friend and.. I want to get that back, for real.”

Instinctually, Jared turned his body away slightly, not really used to such obvious displays of tenderness. Especially from Evan. It wasn’t like he saw Evan as a disingenuous person or anything - it was just so clear cut and open that Jared was caught off guard. When Evan cleared his throat again Jared glanced up to see open arms. 

“I.. read that hugs are good for people.”

So maybe he’d thought about hugging Jared for a while. It was scientifically proven, though! Hugs were good. Jared seemed to humor him at the very least, rolling his eyes before closing the distance between them. He easily tucked his head into the crook of Evan’s neck, arms looping loosely around his middle.

They stood like that, in silence, for a few minutes.

They weren’t going to always understand each other, but they could try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments keep me going


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> id say were about halfway thru this story now? barring the spin off oneshots ill probably do fjdlkfjdlf

**richie (bitch) (11:12 am):** can we finally meet this evan kid for real  
**richie (bitch) (11:12 am):** dinner at 6? mikey jer and i can all do that  
**jared (11:30 am):** considering i turned on him like a jealous hs girlfriend last night maybe not  
**richie (bitch) (11:34 am):** ur gonna need to run that story by me later  
**richie (bitch) (11:35 am):** cmon lets meet ur little bf  
**jared (11:36 am):** not my bf  
**richie (bitch) (11:37 am):** u wish tho  
**jared (11:38 am):** dinner at 6

Jared knew his plan wasn’t going to last forever but he couldn’t help but feel like fate was out to get him.  _ Of course  _ his stalling would push their dinner to the day after he let his emotions slip up around Evan. Working on his emotional vulnerability, of course, would leave him showing a bit too much. He really hadn’t meant to ever show how much Zoe’s presence in Evan’s life bothered him, but hearing her name just brought him back to one of their arguments in the hall senior year. Seeing Zoe come up and  _ kiss  _ Evan like it was just nothing, like it was the easiest thing someone could do-

**Jared (11:40 am):** dinner at 6 today  
**Evan (Asshole) (11:44 am):** Can’t wait!  
**Jared (11:45 am):** heads up jeremy is quiet and kinda nervous  
**Jared (11:45 am):** mike and rich are loud and touchy and nosey

Everyone else had already been briefed on Evan’s general nervousness - in fact, Jared had been using it as an excuse to push off the whole event. Days of excuses where he said that Evan was just too stressed, too worked up, to handle the stress of new people. A small, selfish part of him hoped that Evan was still more jumpy around strangers to just enforce everything he’d said. Of course he was happy Evan was getting better, but he really didn’t want to explain why he’d played something up when it wasn’t that big of an issue.

* * *

“So you guys went to high school together?” Michael was perched on the futon in Jared and Rich’s room, scrolling on his phone as they made conversation. Everyone was still in class and Michael and Jared had grabbed lunch from the food truck before finally heading back to the dorms, hoping to kill some time.

“Yeah,” Jared mumbled around the needle he held carefully between his lips, adjusting the embroidery hoop he had on Michael’s hoodie. Once it was settled he took the needle and got back to work. An offhand comment about the carefully stitched triforce on Jared’s backpack turned into a conversation about his embroidery which turned into a request by Michael for an addition to his hoodie. Having something to do with his hands also helped to ease Jared’s nerves about the upcoming dinner. “I mean, really I’ve known him since we were like.. seven?”

“Shit, yeah,” Michael glanced up from his phone, watching Jared’s careful stitching for a moment, “I’ve known Jeremy since we were, like, four.”

“Damn. Got us beat.” Jared’s face was creased in concentration as he continued his stitching. “And you got matching tats.”

“Fuck yes, dude.” Michael snorted out a quiet laugh, turning his attention back to the phone in his hand, now. “Go big or go home. Gotta live for the drama.”

With a slight eye roll Jared breathed out his own laugh, shifting where he perched on his chair. “I guess I missed out on the gay drama gene.”

“Nah, dude. You got it. Rich told me some stories, you definitely got the panache. Just.. kinda quieter. Closeted panache.”

“Partially closeted,” Jared amended, not arguing with the rest of the words. Looking back he wasn’t wrong - he did have a talent for entering scenes at the most dramatic moment.

“Partially closeted.” Michael agreed, not looking up. 

“About that,” with an awkward cough Jared cleared his throat, he wasn’t really one to have these sorts of serious conversations about his comfort, but it was better than the alternative. “I’m not.. out to Evan. Well, he obviously knows I’m trans. I just.. haven’t had the chance to tell him I’m gay yet.”

A quick glance up showed Michael making a ‘lips sealed’ motion that let his shoulders relax. Maybe he’d had plenty of chances but.. he just didn’t want to admit he wasn’t ready. There was no reason to worry, really, Evan had always been in his corner and he’d never given Jared a reason to believe otherwise. So maybe it was more related to the fact that coming out and admitting he liked guys to the first (and really, only) guy he’d ever genuinely felt anything for-

“Got it. I’ll let Jer know?”

For a split second Jared short-circuited, wondering why Michael would need to tell  _ him  _ until realizing that he’d said  _ Jer  _ and not  _ Jare.  _ “Uh, yeah. Jeremy. Yeah, that’s fine.”

Michael was already sending the text, “oh, fuck. Hah. Yeah. Didn’t realize you guys had the same nickname. Gives me an excuse to start calling him Jerm instead.” He breathed out a short laugh and shook his head. “I assume Rich knows?”

“Mhm,” Jared placed the needle between his lips again as he cut the string and tied it, finishing off the first piece of his embroidering. He pulled the needle from his mouth and worked on threading a new color of string through the eye of the needle. “I actually came out to him first. Then, uh, you. And Jeremy.”

“Second! I’m honored!” Michael seemed to have picked up on Jared’s discomfort at realizing how closeted he was compared to Michael, or Rich. Hell, he was embroidering a little trans pride heart beside Michael’s rainbow patch. It had taken Jared four days to convince himself to order a small rainbow pin online and he still hadn’t been able to work up to putting it on his backpack. “Solidarity dude. Gay trans solidarity.”

Jared just snorted out a laugh, focusing on his stitching.

* * *

“Hi!” Rich’s voice made Jared freeze up a bit, tensing up where he sat next to Evan. It really was the moment of truth now. At least he wasn’t the only one thrown off as Rich nearly slammed his plate down, grinning widely.

“Oh, hi!” Evan’s voice shook slightly and Jared let himself relax. Yup, still nervous.

“Rich,” he was announcing it before Evan could even ask and Jared couldn’t help it when his expression morphed into one of amusement. He could practically feel the relief come off of Evan in waves when Rich only waved, making no move to shake hands.

“It’s uh.. nice to, uh, meet you.” Evan put on his own smile, rubbing his palms on his shorts. It seemed like he was looking for something else to say when two more people approached the table, setting their own plates down. After a second Evan just lifted his head a bit, frantically waving a greeting.

“Hey, Evan. Michael Mell, pleasure’s mine-” The words broke off into a snort of laughter as Jeremy elbowed him, moving to sit down, mumbling ‘dramatic’ in his direction.

“I’m uh, J-Jeremy.” He seemed to wince at the stutter, fidgeting with his hands. Jared almost laughed when he saw that Jeremy’s awkwardness seemed to put Evan at ease.

There was a brief, quiet awkwardness that settled over them, but it didn’t last long because Rich was leaning over Michael’s entire body to grab a fry off of Jeremy’s plate.

“Dude!”

“Dude!”

Michael and Jeremy both couldn’t help but laugh as they spoke at the same time and Jeremy reached behind Michael to shove Rich’s shoulder as he sat back. The movement made his chair rock briefly and he grabbed the edge of the table with a squawk.

“What classes are you taking?” Michael’s voice seemed to startle Evan out of whatever trance he was in from watching the, honestly chaotic, exchange.

“Me?” Evan’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat, pushing around the peas on his plate. “I’m doing a lot of gen eds right now, but I’m doing botany.”

“Fuck yeah. Sick,” Michael grinned widely before sipping at his soda. “I’d like to thank AP testing for getting out of some of those gen eds. I’m on the computer science track. It’s how I met Jared.”

“I can’t get fuckin’ over that,” Rich burst into the conversation, accusingly pointing his stolen fry in Michael’s direction before shoving it in his mouth, “I can’t believe that asshole,” he exaggeratedly glanced in Jared’s direction, “found out we knew each other and didn’t tell us for days that he knew us both!”

Before Evan could question the exchange Rich turned his attention to him, hands moving wildly as he recounted the story, rolling his eyes as he got to the end of the story. “And then he just ditched us at the poster sale, no explanation.”

“That’s uh..” Evan pushed out a laugh (it was only a  _ little _ nervous sounding), “that’s kinda funny.”

“Thank you!” Jared threw his arms up in exasperation (maybe he  _ was  _ capable of theatrics), “someone agrees.”

“I mean, it’s funny,” Jeremy nervously butt into the conversation, fidgeting with his hands, “but.. I feel like you gotta have some warning when you aren’t expecting to run into  _ Rich  _ of all people-”

“Heere!” Rich leaned over again, “I am a goddamn delight!”

“He’s got you there,” Michael said, throwing an arm around Rich’s shoulder. Jeremy just rolled his eyes before turning his attention back to Evan who seemed a bit swept up in it all. Jared noticed he’d been staring at the side of his face, watching as he took in everything that was Jeremy, Michael, and Rich. He felt his cheeks heat up before turning his gaze back towards his food, noticing how Rich grinned at him. Gritting his teeth Jared just kicked Rich’s shin under the table.

“Botany?” Jeremy drew the conversation back towards Evan and Jared bit his tongue to keep himself from butting in. There had been some time where Jared would speak for him, when Evan’s mouth would go dry and he’d start picking at his shirt. He had to remind himself that Evan was better now. He didn’t need Jared’s help.

“Oh.. yeah.” Evan seemed to perk up a bit, taking a moment to finish the bite he’d taken from his piece of pizza. “I just.. sort of fell in love with plants the, uh, summer before senior year. Specifically trees, I guess? I.. I worked as an apprentice park ranger that, um, that summer and it..” He faltered for a moment, glancing down at his arm. “Yeah. It was cool. I’m looking at a track in botany that would actually be.. tied to, uh, park ranger stuff. Like a program.. that works with parks.”

By the end his voice trailed off and Jared felt his chest tighten a bit. He kept his gaze down at his plate, not daring to look at Evan. He just kept fighting the same urges he’d fought nearly his whole life - fighting the urge to silently reach out with comfort.

“Dude, that’s cool,” Michael looked up from his plate, adjusting his glasses.

“You hate going outside.” Rich snorted with laughter.

“It’s still cool!”

* * *

“Bracelet call. Who wants dibs on this one?”

Dinner became a normal thing. Wednesdays were Evan and Jared. Mondays Jared had to show up late. Tuesdays Rich and Michael couldn’t make it. Dinners turned into cramming themselves into Michael and Jeremy’s dorm on Fridays after class. Fridays turned into weekends, turned into whoever was free would message the group chat during the week and people would show up to someone's dorm room.

“Me, asshole.” Jared didn’t look away from the game of MarioKart, crammed on the futon between Evan and Rich.

“Got it, bitch.” 

As Jared crossed the finish line in game he glanced over to see Michael leaning over to pull out some bundles of thread, unraveling them and gathering the ends to tape together so he could braid them. He looked back to the screen in time to see Evan pass the finish line in 5th, passing Jeremy at the last second.

“Yes!” Evan threw his arms into the air in victory and his face lit up so much you would’ve thought he got first place. Jared met his gaze briefly before turning back to the screen, chest tight.

They made it through four more races, Jared coming in first every time. Evan moved between 4th and 8th over the few races. He only beat Jeremy out in one of the four and again he’d bounced in his spot in celebration. 

“Okay, Jared c’mere.” Michael’s voice drew him from the trance he’d been put in by the bright smile on Evan’s face. He stood up a bit too quickly and almost toppled over, catching himself as he moved to quickly cross the room. He smoothed out his shirt as he stopped next to Michael’s desk before holding his arm out towards him. There was a moment where Michael looked at him, as if asking him if he was sure. Jared just looked right back until Michael moved to tie the bracelet around his wrist. 

It was just a bracelet, a rainbow bracelet wasn’t as scary as a rainbow flag pin. 

A pin that still sat in the bottom of his desk drawer, waiting for the day he would put it on his bag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments keep me going <3
> 
> im antpelts on tumblr and honestly im open to any sort of requests for lil oneshots


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for anxiety/panic attacks. not too detailed

Evan tried not to think about it, of course he did. He tried not to think about anything. Obviously it didn’t do him any good, because he couldn’t help but always think about  _ everything  _ until he was spiraling and everything just got out of control. He tried to remember his breathing exercises, his grounding techniques, but his mind was still fuzzy with sleep. Nightmares weren’t necessarily uncommon, but they’d gotten rarer in the time he’d spent at school, ironically. At first his therapist had been worried all the change would bring extra stress but he was handling that side of things fairly well. It was other sides that were slowly eating at him.

It wasn’t really a traditional nightmare, maybe bad dream was a better term. A bad dream that left him with a hollowed out feeling in his chest. A memory - but worse. 

The imagery was still fresh in his mind, the pictures still clear. He felt breathless in the worst way and he almost wished he’d just had the  _ other  _ type of dream he used to get about Jared so he could feel breathless in a different way-

Nope.

It wasn’t the time to be thinking about the admittedly frustrating dreams he’d had about Jared. Besides, he was sure he didn’t have any right to have thoughts like that. Especially considering the subject matter of his dream.

* * *

_ It was dark. Most of his dreams were dark. _

_ The only light was from a far off source, a single functioning ceiling light. Despite the atmosphere he knew he was at school. He knew it was the middle of the day. Even if the world around him didn’t project that. He also knew Jared was around the corner, coming towards him. His shoes were silent on the linoleum and it was just uncomfortable. It made Evan’s skin itch. Words were falling out from his mouth and he couldn’t pick any of them out, he knew he was asking for help. Pleading. There was silence but he knew Jared was laughing from the way his nose crinkled - but his eyes were dark. _

_ It all made his chest ache, that familiar hollow feeling. It had been doing that a lot. Well, feeling like that a lot. The only time it went away (just a little) was when he was at the Murphy's house.  _ Not  _ when he was pacing Jared’s room while they crafted emails. No, no. He pointedly told himself that. It felt better when he was around Zoe. _

_ So why was the ache fading as quick as it had started? _

_ Friends. Jared said something about friends. He heard his own voice answering, but he didn’t  _ really _ hear it. The words felt like they were in another language but his tone was harsh. He was aware of the way he spit when he talked, was aware of the way Jared’s eyes looked behind his glasses. Glossy. Pupils flitting around frantically. _

_ Why was he standing so close? So close that he could smell Jared’s cologne.  _

_ In his dream he was more confident. So when he saw Jared winding up, ready to make an exit, he watched his own hands move, shoving him against the lockers. Was that really what he wanted to do? Yes and no, shove Jared against the lockers and then- _

_ Shaking his head he moved to grab the front of Jared’s shirt. A blank look just met his own. He felt his skin crawl. A threat fell from his mouth and with another shove he was disappearing down the hall.  _

_ In his dream he always got to make the exits. _

* * *

“Dude I know you’re in there.” Evan jerked his head up when he heard the words outside his door, followed by another round of knocks. He scrambled to jump out of his seat, stumbling from the slight numbness in his legs. How long had he been sitting? How long had Jared been at his door?

“Sorry, I was just working.. I was working on this thing, well I was reading a thing and watching a thing and trying to work on a thing,” the words were tripping over themselves as Evan opened to the door, his breath hitched when he saw Jared and he tried to just push out more words, “I can’t believe I didn’t hear you, I’m sorry. How long were you-”

“Slow down, Hansen,” Jared was cutting him off, smiling crookedly as he reached out to put his hand onto his shoulder. Evan felt his words cut off instantly, not by choice, because Jared’s palm was warm and he felt like he couldn’t breathe- “Ev. Hey. Chill, dude.”

There was a moment where Jared moved his hand slightly, rubbing at Evan’s shoulder for a second before pulling away. Evan was just nodding, taking a slow breath.

“Sorry. You just..” He pulled in another breath, willing himself to just slow down. “I was just in the zone I guess? You.. caught me off guard.”

“You good to go?”

Go? Evan shifted his feet, glancing around as if the answer were somewhere on his wall, or his door, or on Jared’s shoes. Out of habit his hand moved up to his mouth as he chewed on his nails, racking his brain for the answer he needed to give Jared. “I.. sorry. I,” he pulled his hand from his mouth and checked his phone, eyes lighting up with recognition, “I.. missed my meds today. Shit. Sorry.”

When he glanced up he just saw Jared looking back at him, eyebrows raised. He looked on the precipice of  _ something,  _ like Evan had just told him a funny joke - or like Evan.. was.. There was something fond in Jared’s eyes and he couldn’t take it anymore, dropping his gaze again.

“Dude, it’s fine. Are you good to go to Michael and Jer’s or..?” Jared pushed his hands into his pockets, it was like he was staring past Evan now.

“Yeah,” a pause, “yeah. Let me grab my shoes.”

Talking was easier when Evan turned to grab his sneakers, no expectation of eye contact.

“Do.. you need to take your meds now?”

Evan froze, looking down at his phone to see the time. “No.. ugh. No, if I take it now I’ll be up all night. I’ll be fine. I wasn’t medicated for years, one night will be okay.” He paused to pull on his shoes, grabbing his keys and wallet off his desk. “I.. I’m sorry I left you at the door. Uh.. where’s Rich?”

“He..” Jared took a step back as Evan moved towards the door, switching off his light and locking his door behind him. “He went over there earlier. I was working on some shit. I’ve got my first exam next week.”

The hallway was quiet, Evan was thankful for that considering they were both sort of just staring at each other outside his door. “Can’t.. can’t believe it’s almost October already,” he settled on lamely.

“Yeah, shit man. Like, a month behind us.” Jared rolled his hoodie sleeves up and Evan found his eyes drawn back to the bracelet on his wrist. The same bracelet he kept looking at since Jared had gotten it. The colors were a bit faded from handwashing and showers, it still looked nice - even if the rainbow threads were starting to loosen and wear down. He felt his stomach twist.

He’d waited too long, now it would be weird to add to the conversation. Instead he needed to let it fall into comfortable silence, that was normal. That’s what people did when there was a lull in conversation - they took in the comfortable silence.

So why couldn’t he?

“It’s weird!” Evan flinched from his own volume, rubbing at his arm as they headed to the elevators. “It’s.. being away from my mom is weird.”

Jared just hummed in acknowledgment, pressing the button to take them down to the lobby. Evan felt his breath catch and maybe he should have taken his medicine - or at least his anxiety medicine. But his anxiety was getting  _ better,  _ he was getting better. He should have taken his meds. Now he was oversharing or blurting out or  _ something _ and it was messing  _ everything up. _

“How  _ is  _ Heidi?” Jared crossed his arms, eyes trained on the number telling them what floor they were on, watching it count down. “She good?”

“Yeah,” Evan swallowed thickly. Why hadn’t he thought about that? Reroute the conversation, set it on a track instead of leaving it up to interpretation. Because it  _ had  _ sounded like he was waiting to hear Jared missed his parents too and he knew he couldn’t expect that. He knew Jared didn’t want to feel like he needed to say that. “She’s good. She’s better. Her last year of classes left. It’s.. good.”

Jared just passed him, leading the way into the lobby. Evan swore there was a slight smile pulling on his lips.

* * *

“Ev?” 

It was happening again, he felt his breath catch. He grit his teeth and he tried to calm his breathing and-

“What colors do you want?” He was finally able to recognize that it was Michael’s voice, swallowing to try and combat his dry mouth. Glancing around his gaze landed on Rich’s arm, he was sat next to him, gripping a game controller. His bracelet was blue, pink, and purple. The bi flag. Bi. Jeremy had one too. Bi. Evan furrowed his brows.

“Could.. uh, could.. do you still have colors for, could I have the bi pride colors?”

It was easier than he thought, the room didn’t fall silent in shock. He could hear Jared mashing buttons, he could hear the futon creak as Rich shifted how he sat, leaning forward.

“‘f course, dude!” Michael gave him a thumbs up, turning back towards his desk. 

“I’m bi!” Evan leaned forward, hyper aware of the warmth of the bodies sitting on either side of him. He felt sweaty. Was he sweating? His palms were sweating. He wiped them on his pants. It didn’t do much, he just rubbed until the material made his palms feel a bit raw.

“Hell yeah, man.” Rich clapped him on the shoulder. Looking up all he saw were smiles, no one was looking at him weird - well, why would they? He knew Rich was bi. He knew Jeremy was bi. He was fairly certain Michael was gay. Jared was-

Jared was looking at him.

“That’s.. great.” Jeremy’s voice was small but steady, he was smiling.  _ They were all smiling.  _ Was Jared smiling?

Jared was-

“Ev, hey. Wanna step outside?” Jared’s voice shook him from his trance. From his panic attack? Was he panicking?

It was like he blinked and they were in the hallway. Jared had a hand on his elbow and was pulling him towards the floor’s study lounge. It was empty, at least. Of course it was, most kids were out partying. While he was.. what? He was panicking and coming out to a room of people he hardly knew and one person he knew too well.

Did he know Jared?

“Breathe.” 

Evan did as he was told.

By the time his eyes refocused he wasn’t sure how much time had passed. Jared was slouched over in a seat, scrolling on his phone. When he noticed that Evan was a bit more collected he set his phone down on the table.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

After a second Jared just shook his head, smiling a bit. It wasn’t smug. It made Evan’s throat feel tight.

“So?”

“I’m bi,” Evan choked it out, pausing to clear his throat. “Sorry. I wanted.. to tell you? It just felt weird. Then I did that thing, y’know? Where it builds up and everything builds up and I just-”

“I get it.”

Evan swallowed thickly - of course Jared got it. Jared got  _ him.  _ Jared always seemed to get him. Why was he so obvious? Why was Jared  _ not  _ more obvious? He was looking down and Evan started biting his nails again because the air was thick with discomfort. Who’s discomfort? His own discomfort.

“Ev?” There was a beat and he raised his head, meeting Jared’s gaze. Eye contact with Jared wasn’t as hard as it was with everyone else. “I’ve been.. I guess I’ve been meaning to tell you, too.” Evan could hear his heartbeat, every inch of skin felt like it was burning.

“Mhm?” When Jared hesitated it was all he could think to do. Encouragement.

“I’m gay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world <3


	12. Chapter 12

Things went back to normal - coming out changed nothing (and everything). Jared wasn’t sure if he should have been grateful for that. He just tried to be okay with it, if anything. Okay was something he could do. Okay was attainable.

First exams came and went.

Warm weather started to cool down.

“Jare?” Evan cleared his throat, smoothing his palms against his pajama pants. It was another night where Rich was crashing on Michael and Jeremy’s futon, so naturally Evan found his way to Jared’s dorm. Even if it was just to spend time together in the quiet while Jared worked on some code.

“Mhm?” He didn’t turn away from his computer, he knew Evan knew he was listening.

“I.. could I, uh..” Evan trailed off absentmindedly biting his nails. After a moment he just shook his head, brows furrowing. “I.. sorry, nevermind. It’s dumb.”

That got Jared’s attention. Leaning back he spun his chair to face Evan. Of course he brought his own desk chair - not just for his back, he was just so used to his own chair and change wasn’t quite in the cards for him. Definitely not for a stiff plastic chair, at least. “Dude, I hate it when you do that shit.”

One of his hoodie strings dangled off his lips until it dropped when he stopped chewing on it. Evan had noticed a lot of the little habits he had when he worked. He noticed and he pretended he didn’t.

“Yeah,” Evan choked back another apology, curling his fingers into the hem of his shirt. “Yeah. I was, uh.. could I decorate your guys’ room a little..?”

There was a beat of silence where Jared just looked at him expectantly, he knew there was more. Evan was just giving him his chance to laugh. It made his chest ache - he really _was_ an asshole. He’d gotten so used to crossing lines with no repercussions. Used to having someone there no matter what. (Until he’d lost him.)

“I mean,” Evan was biting his nails again, only pausing to speak around them. “Like, we hang out in here and decorating my room is.. a little sad? Then people could see it.. like, fall decorations. My mom sent me some construction paper in.. in the mail. Ah.. yeah. I’m..” He waved his hand, already dismissing his own idea.

“That’s adorable,” Jared huffed out, smiling crookedly. Maybe he tried to mask his tone, turning it sarcastic, but it was so easy for him to just say those words - he thought them often enough. At some point he just gave up holding them back. Evan deserved to hear it. “Go for it dude.”

Evan was already hopping up, nearly tripping over his too long pajama pants, grabbing his key off the futon where it sat next to him. He was talking so quickly his words were running together, “I’m gonna go grab my construction paper and scissors and hold on,” he was already out the door and jogging down the hall.

* * *

Each time that Jared glanced up from his computer he noticed some new decoration on the wall. Evan had spent the last hour and a half cutting out various shapes of leaves and sticking them all over the wall with tape. Jared just bit down on his hoodie strings to stifle his smile.

“Hey, Ev,” Jared leaned back in his seat, rubbing at his face under his glasses. “Wanna come be my duck?”

“Huh?” Evan raised his head and Jared really looked _at_ him for the first time since he’d come back to the room. He was cross legged on the floor, surrounded by paper scraps.

Reaching across his desk Jared grabbed his little astronaut rubber duck and held it up. After a second he set it back down, twisting in his seat to crack his back. “I mean.. you’re here and I don’t really want to talk to an inanimate duck in front of you.”

Gritting his teeth he mentally kicked himself for how pathetic it sounded.

“Oh!” Evan was already setting the scissors down, carefully getting up and brushing some paper scraps off his sweatpants. “Yeah, yeah.”

There was a tense moment where Evan crossed the room and grabbed Rich’s desk chair, pulling it up next to Jared’s desk. Suddenly Jared was wondering if any of this had been a good idea because Evan was close enough that Jared _swore_ he could smell the faint scent of laundry detergent on his clothes. His hair was just a little messy, a little flat - Evan had tried morning showers for the first week of school but he quickly moved back to night showers. He looked.. soft. Jared wondered what his hair conditioner smelled like.

Yeah. This wasn’t a good idea. How was he supposed to read out his code with Evan sitting next to him soft and _glowing._

“So.. do I just..?”

“Just listen, yeah. You don’t gotta pay attention or anything.” Jared hadn’t even pictured Evan sitting _next_ to him. The futon was close enough, even the spot he’d taken up on the floor was good enough. Of course he had to sit right next to him. He was just hoping Evan would disengage and look at his phone while Jared read to him. 

No such luck.

Of fucking course.

Glancing over to Evan after each few lines showed him listening - intently. Jared shifted in his chair, trying not to think too hard about how Evan’s eyes were trained on him. Trying not to think too hard about the softness in Evan’s expression.

* * *

Despite the internal trainwreck Jared suffered at the hands of one Evan Hansen listening intently to his code despite not understanding a single word.. it became a habit. At least two nights a week Rich would crash at Michael and Jeremy’s place, those nights were Evan and Jared’s time. It was their time to truly let their guard down, all too similar to the sleepovers they used to have in their early teens.

Though he’d deny it until the day he died, Jared started saving up his coding projects, waiting for the nights where Evan would sit in his company. After he first read off his code to Evan it just felt _nice,_ it was their own thing. It was just for them. Jared wanted to savor that, he wanted to learn to appreciate the small things.

Along the line Jared’s requests of, _“hey, wanna come be my duck?”_ turned into statements (good humored demands) of, _“hey, ducky.”_ or _“c’mere duck.”_ He’d never seen the appeal of nicknames beyond shortening someone’s name, honestly he just found them confusing. The more outlandish the worse it was in his mind, he always just thought it seemed so embarrassing. So the first time he slipped up and had spoken it like a nickname he froze up and waited for Evan to mumble something and excuse himself, put off. But he didn’t. Instead he just pulled a smile and grabbed Rich’s desk chair, moving to Jared’s side.

As October pushed on and the days got colder, their routine kept up. Evan spent so much time curled up on Jared’s futon he left a spare blanket folded up on the back of it. He’d always been one to get cold easily. Sometimes, when he was alone, Jared would eye the blanket and think about just curling up for a minute with it. It probably smelled like _him._ Every time he just shook his head and mentally berated himself for being weird.

The paper leaves stuck over the dorm’s walls were soon joined by little paper pumpkins. When Evan ran out of ideas he’d moved onto cutting out paper stars to give himself something to do with his hands. Rich never let Jared live it down, pointing to the paper decorations and giving him a knowing smile. Jared just brushed it off, deny and deflect. This was Evan, the same Evan he’d known since he was seven, the same Evan who he had to tell _“no, you don’t wear underwear under a swimsuit.”_ (The same Evan who was his first and only substantial crush.) They were just close, how couldn’t they be? After knowing each other for over a decade.

Jared still refused to admit it when _their_ things bled into their everyday. They found themselves walking back to the dorms after getting out of classes on the same side of campus, side by side. They moved close enough that their arms brushed as they passed other groups, moving past them on the sidewalk. Oftentimes Evan would use his phone as a crutch, sometimes overwhelmed by the number of people around, besides, it was as good a time as any to skim his emails - or check the dining hall menus.

“Any good stuff for dinner?” Jared kept his eyes forward, hands pushed into his pockets. 

“Mm,” Evan hummed lowly, swiping through his tabs. “It’s pancake night.”

They fell back into a comfortable silence - their silences were getting more comfortable. At the end of the block they came to a stop, Jared kept his eyes trained on the crosswalk signal, waiting for the orange hand to switch to the walk sign. When it did he took a step forward, pausing for a second as Evan stayed stuck in place, eyes trained on his phone.

“Hey, duck,” Jared’s voice was soft, body half turned back as he spoke. He watched as Evan’s head jerked up. So, _maybe_ Jared had inadvertently given him a nickname - but Evan _responded_ to it. Tucking his phone into his pocket he took a few quick steps to place himself at Jared’s side as they crossed the street.

* * *

One ‘slip up’ turned into a regular occurrence.

It happened at their wednesday dinners. 

_“Mm,” Jared pushed his plate to the side, already scooting backwards in his chair, ready to get up. “What d’you want for dessert, duck?”_

_It was far too casual and far too soft to be friendly but neither of them were well versed in communication. And Evan wasn’t well versed in being sought after. Jared had that on his side at least, Evan would absolutely refuse to read into the gesture. They could just chalk it up to getting better - getting better at being close, getting better at opening up, getting better at caring for each other._

_“Ice cream?”_

It happened on quiet afternoons studying in Evan’s room.

_“Hey, Jare?” Evan shifted in his desk chair, rubbing at his face in frustration._

_“Mhm, duck?” Jared didn’t even look up from the textbook he was annotating, curled up in the beanbag chair under Evan’s bunk. (He’d moved his desk to press against the far wall, too paranoid to work under the bunk. Jared had laughed at the next to zero odds that the bed would collapse on him.)_

_“Can I read this shit to you? This essay’s due tonight and.. I’m so beyond done with this. I have no idea if this, like, makes any sense.”_

_“Go for it.”_

They were learning to navigate each other better than before. They were learning to be the friend they’d both always wanted to be, but were too scared to. It was nice to be able to use all the backlogged information they had on each other without feeling like they were overstepping some invisible barrier. Jared knew how to bring Evan down from a panic attack. Evan knew that Jared could get caught up in his work, on weekends he’d make sure he didn’t forget lunch. Jared knew that Evan had a habit of forgetting his keys, he always had him double check. Evan knew Jared’s favorite Starbucks order. They both knew more than they cared to admit.

But there was still a distance. A respectable distance. Besides, it was hard to forget old habits, it was hard to quit old habits. Evan still paused after making requests or saying things that might be seen as ‘out there’, giving Jared time to laugh at him. Jared could still be flighty and avoidant, keeping the world at an arm’s length.

They were growing.

They grew a little more every day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the,,, drama of this all,, i hope yall are ready bc this sets up the like.. the big scene tm. next chapter is /the scene/ (well one of em) but.. ive been planning this since like.. this fic started. buckle up folks

October passed quietly, with Halloween being especially quiet. Jared and Evan spent it alone watching black and white horror movies. Neither wanted to pry into the discomfort their friends had expressed towards the holiday - they took their movie night and didn’t question it.

November passed with a cool breeze. The week before fall break, Rich let Jared know that he was heading home early, except home meant New Jersey. He was heading back with Michael the weekend before Thanksgiving - their break was shorter than other schools, only from Wednesday through that week, but the two decided to cut their losses and skip Monday and Tuesday’s classes. Jared couldn’t say he minded having the room to himself, even if it would have been nice to be around his friends for a while. Considering he wasn’t going home for Thanksgiving break. He wasn’t too fond of the idea of being stuck home an extra week to celebrate ‘togetherness’ with his family. There were more productive things he could do in his dorm.

That was how Jared found himself tucked away in his bunk, buried in his hoodie and a mass of blankets, for most of Saturday. Rich and Michael had left that afternoon and Jeremy and Evan were working on last minute assignments. That left no one to get him to do anything else, so after dinner he just got into bed and started mindlessly scrolling on his phone.

With the end of the semester growing ever closer, Jared couldn’t help but yearn for those days in October again. Days spent with Evan, days spent in Michael and Jeremy’s dorm, days playing games. It was nice. Jared never saw himself with a friend  _ group,  _ he’d never seen a future with himself comfortably out and existing around other people like him. After years of uncomfortable exchanges and holding back around summer camp friends it was nice to exist in a friend group where  _ one  _ person was cis. 

Thinking about it all made his mood that much worse. Considering it  _ was  _ Saturday, which was usually one of the most comfortable days of his weeks. Saturdays were for edibles in Michael and Jeremy’s room while watching shitty cult classic films. Saturdays were for five people crammed on a futon until 3am, nearly crying with laughter. It was a Saturday when Jared saw Evan high for the first time, it was a Saturday when Jeremy came out to them all as nonbinary, it was a Saturday when he finally accepted the idea that, yeah, he had friends.

And now it was a Saturday and he was curled up in his bunk, trying to ignore his mood drop by refreshing his twitter feed. The silence in the room was nearly suffocating, the lack of any stimulation was beginning to drive him up the wall. Before he could slip into some sort of panic attack (not that he’d ever openly call it that) he scrambled to pull up YouTube on his phone, clicking on the first video he saw. The sound was enough to ground him and he let himself relax. After ten minutes he finally let himself focus on what the video was even about - someone building a custom pc rig, explaining things he already knew in a steady voice. 

Sound was better than silence so Jared just tapped on another video after the first one came to a close, slipping his glasses off and letting his eyes unfocus as he clicked through videos. Custom computers turned into custom aquariums which turned into videos of people feeding their exotic pets. By the time Jared refocused his eyes a few hours had passed and he was watching someone feed their pet lizard. It was jarring - he hadn’t lost so much time in weeks, keeping company around him helped him stay in touch with reality. Had he really not been  _ this _ alone the whole semester?

With a quiet grunt he rolled over onto his side, grabbing his glasses off the pillow next to him and tucking them into the little storage pouch hanging off the edge of his bunk. Settling back into his blanket nest he scrolled through recommended videos, pointedly ignoring the time in the corner of his screen.  _ 1:22 am.  _ Scrunching up his nose he just tapped on another video, tugging his hood over his head as he listened to someone prattle on about the differences between two types of keyboards. It wasn’t even particularly entertaining. Jared really was at  _ that _ level of under stimulation that  _ any  _ consumable content would be enough.

With another video behind him (detailing the pros and cons of a certain computer mouse) he finally felt his eyelids growing heavy. Sleeping was easier than admitting loneliness. Sure, he was  _ trying  _ but he was too tired to deal with vulnerability all the time. For now sleep would do.  _ 1:56 am.  _

Shifting around on his bed Jared reached for his phone charger, managing to plug his phone in on the third try. As he tried to tuck it into the pouch on the side of his bunk he missed, phone slipping from his hand. Of course. It was going to be one of  _ those  _ nights. At least he hadn’t heard it clatter to the floor, it must have just been dangling from the charging cord. Maybe one thing could go right. Huffing out a breath he propped himself up on his elbow, squinting against the blurry darkness. Shuffling over to the edge of the bunk he reached for his cord, fingertips brushing it. He kicked his legs, struggling to untangle himself from the blankets as he strained to grab his cord.

Shifting his weight again he was able to wrap his fingers around the cord - at the cost of his hand slipping where he’d braced himself on the low edge around the bunk. As his hand gave out he jerked forwards, falling on the wooden frame with all of his weight, knocking the wind out of his chest. Trying to move his legs left him practically flailing and tipping off of the bunk. The impact with the ground knocked the wind out of him once more, if he hadn’t been gasping he might have shouted, or made  _ any  _ sound. Instead he was curled up on his floor, trembling from shock. In one hand he clutched his phone cord, his fall had pulled it from where it was plugged into the wall, his phone was next to him on the wooden floor. He hadn’t even heard it clatter.

Raising a hand to press against his chest, Jared was made aware of his ragged breathing. He was awake now.

Reaching out for his phone he nearly collapsed, feeling a tingling pain moving down his leg. Drawing in shaky breaths he tried to push himself up again, tears pricking in the corner of his eyes as he collapsed again. He took the moment to weigh his options: drag himself into bed, fall asleep on the floor, or.. call Evan. Or anyone. It didn’t have to be  _ Evan.  _ Though his fingers were already straining to reach his phone, shaking as he managed to unlock it. Pulling the screen close to his face he squinted - not only was he without glasses, the tears welling up in his eyes didn’t do his vision any good.

After a few tries he managed to open his contacts, painfully aware of the time.  _ 2:03 am.  _ If Evan didn’t pick up he wasn’t above just resigning to his fate on the cold dorm floor. The last time he’d called Evan must have been  _ years  _ ago, he cleared his throat and listened to the rings. The small spike of adrenaline was starting to wear off, the numbness in his leg spreading into a dull ache.

One ring.

Two rings.

“Jare?” A sleep-heavy voice crackled over the line and Jared barely bit back a sob. He managed to collect himself enough, putting on a smile that was as shaky as the arm propping him up, trying to convince himself as much as he was about to try and convince Evan. It wasn’t that big of a deal. He just needed.. help.

“Funny story,” Jared choked out, swallowing thickly. 

“Jare?” There was less sleepiness and more concern there now. Jared could hear shuffling.

“Think you’d.. know a.. a thing or two about this,” it started out more mumbled than anything. He cleared his throat and spoke up as he continued, “I.. uh. Fell.”

“Fell?” Evan’s voice sounded weak, almost far off.

“My.. my door is unlocked I think? I have.. uh, a bad habit of forgetting to lock it. Rich hates it.. but.. Yeah. I mean, hah. If you’re an acorn I’m some fuckin’ dead weight.. walnut or some shit-”

“Shut up. Please.” Evan’s voice was stronger now, there was the sound of a door closing. “Please shut up. I’m gonna hang up, okay? I’m coming down the hall now.”

“Okay? I’m.. fine dude. Are  _ you  _ okay to hang up? I mean you sound pretty-”

“Jared. Shut up. I’m hanging up.”

The sudden silence was like a punch to his gut, just as he was able to recover from getting winded. His breaths shook and he set his phone down on the floor, the act he’d been playing up was crumbling a lot easier than he’d hoped it would. The only sounds he could process were his own breathing and the rush of blood in his ears, it was too loud and too quiet all at once. Tipping his head back, he grit his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut, starting to get dizzy from the pain. 

“-red? Jared?” He hadn’t even heard the door open, but Evan’s voice cut through everything. Evan. Willing his eyes to open he was met with the sight of Evan crouching down beside him, eyes wide with panic.

“Mm,” he hummed lowly and put an aloof smile on his face, squeezing his eyes shut again, “hey duck.”

“Where’s.. what..” Evan was wiping his palms off on his sweatpants before wringing his hands. “Can.. I touch you?”

All Jared could do was nod, the smile slipping away almost as soon as he put it on. There was a body shifting, pressing against his back, supporting his weight. Evan reached out to move Jared’s arm that was still trembling from where he’d been holding himself up, connecting their hands. “Where.. Where does it hurt? Should I call an.. ambulance?”

“No,” Jared blurted out quickly, biting at his lip. He felt himself relax back against Evan’s chest, swallowing thickly and willing himself to keep talking, “no.. it’s.. Too expensive. My parents are already gonna.. just.. rideshare.”

“You want me to.. call an uber to take you to the hospital?”

“Bingo,” Jared flashed an ‘ok’ symbol with his hand.

“Fuck, dude. I.. okay. Just.. where does it hurt?” Evan shifted around, navigating his phone with one hand while keeping the other hand connected with Jared’s. His arm was half wrapped around his body. The closeness was.. comfortable.

“M.. uh, fuck. Leg.” With a shuddering exhale he let his head tip back further, resting against Evan’s shoulder. “You.. I didn’t know if you’d pick up.. ah,” a pause, he squeezed his eyes shut tighter, inadvertently forcing out a tear. “I gotta..  _ commend _ you. Fuck, I don’t know how.. you could just sit there and.. wait for someone. After like.. a minute I just..” 

There were a few unspoken things that Evan could have unpacked from that, specifically the fact that Jared’s immediate thought was to call  _ him, _ but he was wrapped up in the logistics of getting Jared downstairs. As soon as he booked the uber he set his phone down, running through everything in his head. “I’m gonna get up.. Where are your glasses? I’m gonna.. carry you downstairs.. alright?”

“Yeah,” Jared shifted, letting go of Evan’s hand so he could get up. As he tried to push himself to sit he shifted his leg and flinched, curling in on himself from the pain. “Fuck. Shit. Fucker. Uh.. glasses. Glasses. The thing on.. the side of my bed.”

It was descriptive enough for Evan because he reached up and fished the frames out of the pouch, tucking them onto the neck of his hoodie. After a moment he reached down to grab Jared’s phone, putting it in his pocket. He then grabbed his own phone, pressing it into Jared’s hand. “Here, keep an eye on that? Tell me when it’s five minutes away.”

It was the steadiest he’d heard Evan’s voice in weeks. All Jared could do was nod as he watched Evan pace the room, grabbing Jared’s keys and wallet. He moved to flip on the light, since it was just a waiting game, now. Both winced from the harshness of it. 

“Seven minutes,” Jared mumbled, setting Evan’s phone on his lap to rub at his face with his hoodie sleeves.

“I.. good enough.” Evan made his way back to Jared’s side, surveying the situation. “Might.. as well head down. I’m.. gonna pick you up. Okay?”

“I mean good luck, y’know I’m pretty-”

“Jared. Shut up.”

So much for some self-deprecating jokes to lighten the mood. He just swallowed thickly and fell silent, looking everywhere except Evan’s blurry figure on the edge of his vision. An arm moved to cradle his upper back and soon one slipped under his knees, at least the touch sort of helped ground him. Evan huffed out a breath as he struggled to straighten up with Jared in his arms and Jared was ready to finish making a shaky quip about his weight, only stopped by Evan managing to get to his feet, shifting Jared in his arms. “Alright?”

With a cough Jared cleared his throat, “yeah.. yeah. All good.”

Evan’s arms were warm and stronger than he would have guessed-

“Okay.. uh, this is gonna suck maybe. So.. okay. You.. open the door? My.. uh.. hands are full.” Evan sniffed and worried his lip between his teeth. “I uh.. have your key too, so you can lock it?”

“Right,” was all Jared could manage, keeping his gaze trained ahead of them. 

“You’re gonna be alright.” There was a slight waver to the words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world! <33


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear im working on my others fics too i just love these boys  
> warnings for mentions of a past suicide attempt (evans)

“Do you, uh..” Evan spoke softly, painfully aware of the hour. They had sat in the emergency room for a few hours getting Jared’s leg x-rayed and splinted up. It was sometime past 4am now, the halls were painfully quiet. All of the initial nerves that had come with receiving a late night phone call and seeing Jared on the ground had started to wear off - there were still some nagging thoughts and worries in the back of his head, though. “I can, uh, stay in your room tonight. If you..”

There was a brief silence between them and Evan nervously twisted Jared’s lanyard around his fingers as they approached his door. He felt the tightness winding up in his chest, worried he’d pushed something too far.

“Yeah.” Jared sounded tired. He sounded exhausted. A glance told Evan that he looked the part, too. His eyes were threatening to fall shut as he hobbled on his crutches, steps uneven. Evan half expected him to say more, it seemed like he was going to, but silence just filled the air between them. He tried not to think about it too hard.

Pausing outside Jared’s door, Evan fumbled with the key for a second before getting the door open, moving out of the way to hold it for Jared. He moved to shut and lock the door before slipping past Jared towards the futon, working to collapse the back of it to flatten it to give Jared a place to sleep. There was no way he was getting up into his bunk. Once it was down Evan turned his attention back to the other.

The look in his eyes seemed far off.

“Hey, Jare. You can.. come lay down.” There was no acknowledgement of the words beyond Jared making his way over to him. Evan was alright with silence. He took the crutches in one hand, letting Jared hold onto the other as he lowered himself to sit. “I’ll.. grab your pillows.”

Setting the crutches on the ground Evan moved towards Jared’s bunk, standing on tiptoes so he could snag the two pillows on top. Tucking them under his arm he moved to pull down one of the blankets. His own blanket was folded on the futon, he could use that and set up on the floor. Trying to move quickly Evan set the pillows on the futon, draping the blanket over the edge. He kicked off shoes and set wallets and keys on Jared’s desk. He paused to dig around for an extra phone charger that he knew Jared would have, moving to plug both of their phones in before practically jogging across the small space to flick off the lights. 

Carefully picking his way over towards the futon he leaned over to grab his own blanket. Before he could move away a hesitant hand brushed over his arm. He paused, fingers tightening their grip.

“You.. don’t gotta sleep on the floor, ‘kay?” Jared’s words were broken by a yawn and Evan couldn’t find it in himself to fight it. Not that he wanted to. He climbed on the futon, sitting up on his knees.

“Lay down, idiot,” he grumbled, putting a hand on Jared’s shoulder. He looked ready to collapse at any moment. Jared complied the best he could with his legs dangling over the edge still, no fight left in him. Evan furrowed his brow and shuffled across the futon, reaching down he hooked a careful arm around the cast on Jared’s leg, bringing his foot to rest on the futon. He finally let himself lay down, shoulder to shoulder with Jared. They both laid on their backs, silently staring up at the ceiling for a few minutes before Evan propped himself up on an elbow. “Dude, take these off.”

Evan was already reaching over as he said it, pulling Jared’s glasses off his face before leaning to set them on the floor.

“I..” Jared’s voice was weak, heavy with tiredness. Evan couldn’t blame him, he hadn’t even been able to stay in the room while they got Jared’s leg set in place. He knew a thing or two about the pain broken bones carried, it made his stomach roll. It was just weird - it made his chest ache to see Jared so quiet and complacent. And in pain. “Thanks, Ev.”

“Yeah,” Evan mumbled back lamely, settling onto his back again. He swallowed thickly and just let the silence wash over them. He was exhausted.

* * *

It couldn’t have been more than an hour before Evan found himself awake again. He tried to blink away the remnants of his dream.  _ Falling.  _ Not a dream, a nightmare. He felt a phantom ache in his arm, his skin felt itchy remembering the roughness of bark against it as he fell. Fell.

Jared fell.

Seeing him on the ground triggered some sort of reaction in Evan’s brain and he hadn’t been able to shake it, not even hours later. Turning his head he saw Jared facing away from him, curled up on his side. Every so often his shoulder would twitch. Evan’s brow creased and after a moment he rolled onto his side, too, eyes trained on Jared’s back. Twitching turned into fidgeting. Hesitantly Evan reached out an arm, settling fingertips over Jared’s shoulder. No response.

“Jare?” 

No response.

Evan bit at his lip before shifting a few inches closer, he settled his arm across Jared’s middle. Now that he was closer he could easily see the slight tremble to his body, he could hear the short breaths. He racked his brain for what you were supposed to do when someone was having a nightmare. All he could come up with was not waking them up. So he racked his brain for what to do when Jared needed him - not that he’d needed him since 7th grade. That was the last time he’d seen Jared crack, a far off look in his eyes, searching for comfort.

Touch. Touch had always grounded him. The futon creaked as Evan shifted again, pressing his chest against Jared’s back. He held his breath, no response. A soft sight fell from his lips. He settled his arm a bit tighter around Jared’s middle, staring at the back of his head.

Talking. Hearing someone talk had always helped Jared. Clearing his throat as quietly as he could manage, Evan searched for something to say. He couldn’t really talk about his day - Jared had spent most of it with him. He preferred to not think about any of the unfinished school work he needed to do. All there was that he could think of were the thoughts that had been buzzing around the back of his head since earlier that night. Shifting again he tucked an arm under the pillows, under Jared’s head, careful not to jostle him too much.

“Hey,” he started, softly, trying to gather his nerves. “That was.. scary. Uh, earlier. Seeing you call when I knew you were just down the hall I..” He swallowed thickly, shaking some of the sleepiness from his voice, “seeing you on the ground kind of.. it was a lot. It reminded me of.. y’know. I thought.. I thought maybe-”

Evan’s voice broke and he grit his teeth, reeling in his unsteady breaths.

“I thought maybe you’d be hurt real bad. I mean, a broken bone.. is bad. I know that but.. I just thought..” A pause, a breath. “It’s stupid. I know.. it’s stupid. I just couldn’t shake the thought, though, seeing you there. The.. the thought that maybe it uh.. wasn’t an accident. I know.. it’s stupid. But.. but I also know that sometimes you don’t.. sometimes you don’t just..”

Tipping his head back Evan willed his breathing to slow, blinking back the threat of tears. Maybe he was getting too far into things he didn’t need to talk about, but he felt like he was in too deep. Besides, if  _ somehow  _ Jared could hear him in his sleep.. Well, it was a story he’d wanted to share with him. There just never seemed to be a right time, it seemed like too much to put on anyone else’s shoulders.

“Sometimes you, uh.. sometimes you don’t just.. fall out of a tree. Sometimes you.. let go,” Evan’s voice was raw, his throat tight as he struggled to keep his volume down. “I know.. I know it’s not the same. But there was just that, uh, voice in the back of my head. It just kept asking.. What if you let go? Looking at you.. laying there I..”

With a shuddering breath Evan rubbed his face against the pillow, wiping off whatever tears he could. 

“I know you didn’t because.. I mean it’s just a bunk bed, right? I know.. but I couldn’t help but wonder. I was terrified that.. at the idea of you, uh, letting go. And I.. I couldn’t help..” Evan closed his eyes, drawing in another long breath. “I was.. scared. If you had.. I thought it might be all my fault. For.. for, uh, not being there if you needed me. Or.. if you needed anyone.”

Silence settled over the space, warm and suffocating - contrasting the cool late November air that leaked through the window, sapping heat from the room. Evan let his eyes open, slowly. Jared was still now, well, the fidgeting had stopped. The mess of hair on the back of his head was enticing and Evan couldn’t help but lean forward, pressing his nose against it. He was too tired to heed any warning his brain threw at him about being  _ weird  _ because Jared’s hair smelled vaguely like coconut and it was  _ soft. _ The heat shared between their bodies was anything but stifling, directly contrasting the suffocating feeling that crashed over Evan in the aftermath of his long winded confession of sorts. Everything else seemed to fall away, though, now. Swallowing thickly, Evan willed the tightness in his throat to relax, dropping his face lower to press against Jared’s shoulder.

Fingertips jolted Evan from his half asleep state, brushing across his wrist. He felt his body freeze up - when it came to flight or fight he tended to choose the  _ or.  _ Holding his breath he let his own fingertips twitch, brushing against Jared’s. As soon as he opened his mouth his voice was already faltering, “Jare?”

The faint moonlight casting into the room wasn’t enough to see by, besides, Evan kept his nose close to Jared’s shoulder. His eyes were wide in an unfocused stare, chest tight with nerves.

“Go to sleep.” Jared’s voice was weak, cracking at the end.

“How.. how long-”

“Go.. to sleep.”

Evan couldn’t find it in himself to argue, hyper aware of how Jared didn’t push him away. He let his eyes fall shut, willing the heaviness of his exhaustion to take over before he could think himself to death.

* * *

It was far too early to be awake. Well, it was absolutely a normal time to be awake but Jared hadn’t been able to  _ really  _ fall asleep until some time past 5 in the morning. He had every right to be tired, he couldn’t have slept that long. And he would’ve done the math but rubbing the bleariness from his eyes and squinting told him that his phone was balanced on the edge of his desk, the charging cord stretched out to the wall. With his glasses MIA he just laid his head back down, besides the heavy ache in his leg begged him to stay wrapped up in the blankets at least a little longer.

The spot next to him was cold and if the taste of sleep wasn’t settled heavily on his tongue he was sure there would be a bitterness left there instead. It shouldn’t have surprised him - Evan just stayed for the night. But still, his words hung heavy over Jared and if his head wasn’t buzzing from pain medication he wondered if he’d be able to find the meaning behind the soliloquy he’d given last night. Maybe he could ask for a written version and to borrow a highlighter, he’d focus on the spaces between the words and make sense of them. It read like an apology, well, in a way it seemed like an apology for something. A story, an explanation, an admission, an apology. It was all of the ‘for what’s that were tripping him up, though. Some were obvious, others weren’t.

Though, he couldn’t be  _ too  _ bothered to figure it all out with the glaring confession right in the middle - the very thing Jared had been scared of. He’d never ruled it out, but after the  _ note  _ showed up on TCP blog it stuck in his head, a worst case scenario. He preferred it that way, maybe that was selfish of him but he just liked the sound of  _ ‘maybe Evan tried to kill himself’  _ over the alarm bells of  _ ‘Evan  _ did _ try to kill himself.’  _

Before he could dig into it anymore the sound of his door made him jolt, confusion drowned any potential panic and before he could try to deduce who the smudge on his vision was there was a voice.

“-rry, sorry,” Evan sounded out of breath, turning to shut the door before shuffling over towards him. After a moment of deliberation he set whatever he cradled in his hands down on the small amount of counter that came with their sink, crouching down to grab Jared’s glasses off the floor. “Here, sorry, thought you’d.. sleep longer.”

Jared just grumbled a bit as he shoved his glasses on, pushing himself to sit up. Evan was looking at him.. expectantly? Shaking his head he just looked past him, scrunching up his face as he tried to figure out what the  _ fuck  _ Evan had carried in to his room. He also wanted to pointedly ignore the fact that he’d stolen a pair of Jared’s sweatpants, yesterday’s pants in a pile on the ground. “Dude.. what the fuck is that?”

“Oh,” Evan was turning around, as Evan grabbed it Jared was able to decipher that  _ it  _ was a tupperware container full of.. “they.. well I went downstairs to the dining hall to get some breakfast but I wanted to bring you something back but.. Everything was, like, out since they were getting ready to, uh, switch to lunch. So I  _ was  _ going to bring you back pancakes but they were out so I just..”

With his voice trailing off Evan just opened the tupperware.

“I.. holy shit. Look, I appreciate the effort but.. I am not eating that.” Any worry or guilt or fears of selfishness slipped away because Jared wasn’t able to bite back his laughter. He was only spurred on as Evan’s face scrunched up. “That’s just.. soggy cereal. And.. did you spill like half of it?”

“Well I had to sneak it out and I almost dropped it,” Jared’s laugh cut him off, another loud burst. “Be grateful, asshole! It got like all over my shoes and then I had to, like, run to the elevators-”

Craning his neck Jared was able to look down at his shoes and he couldn’t help but notice-

“Those are  _ my  _ shoes!” At least Evan had the decency to look sheepish.

“I was in a hurry so I just took the first ones I saw!” Out of habit he shifted on his feet a bit and Jared furrowed his brows before a realization dawned over him.

“Hansen holy fucking shit. You’re kidding, you’ve got to be kidding me.” Exasperation slipped into his tone, but it was sandwiched between breathless laughs. “You  _ spilled milk  _ on  _ my  _ shoes, shoes which happen to have holes in them. And then.. you came all the way up here and tracked soggy milk shoes into my room.”

“I was trying to be nice!”

“Holy fucking shit.. just..” words were broken up by more laughs, tears pricking in the corners of Jared’s eyes, “just wash them in the sink, dumbass.”

“So.. is that a no to the cereal?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world yall <3  
> also hmu on tumblr if yall got some kleinsen oneshot ideas bc i love them im antpelts on tumblr too


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another scene ive been planning for a while hope yall enjoy

They didn’t talk about it, Jared could tell that the whole affair had Evan sort of on edge and maybe if he was just a little bit more of a better person he would’ve addressed it. It was easier to just pretend he was tired - well, he  _ was  _ exhausted, but not exhausted enough to forget Evan’s late night monologue as the sun rose. Part of him just wanted it to disappear, out of sight out of mind. Everything faded with time. It was selfish but he really didn’t want to think of how hopeless Evan  _ had _ felt, not when he seemed to be doing better.

With the futon folded back to its normal state Jared was able to sit upright, scrolling on his phone as he watched Evan pace around the room. He tried to play it off as tidying but Jared watched him organize their shoes for the third time in almost ten minutes. 

“Sit down before you give me an aneurysm.”

“That’s.. that’s not,” Evan was fidgeting with his hands but he made his way towards the futon either way, sitting on the opposite end as Jared. The space between them felt exceptionally large and Jared couldn’t help the small pit of guilt in his stomach, as if he’d caused the space. Had he?

“Well if you start pacing and drive me crazy you’ll raise my blood pressure, thus,” Jared gave a little flourish with his hands, emphasizing his head, “aneurysm.”

“I.. you..” In the end Evan just settled on rolling his eyes, though the exchange seemed to leave him more at ease than anything else. A feeling of normalcy between them. He shifted on the futon, trying to play off his stretch while stifling a yawn.

“When’d you wake up?” The question had been burning in Jared’s head, waiting for the right time. Well, the right time was probably any time, it was a fairly normal question. Years of repression and barriers made most normal questions oddly personal to him. Not to mention the inherent guilt and fear he’d carried around Evan since the first time he’d dreamed about kissing him.

“Like.. around ten?” Evan rubbed at his face, pulling up his legs to sit cross legged. “Then I went down for, uh, y’know, breakfast.”

“We both know you can’t function on less than six hours, dude,” Jared mumbled, trying to gloss over the terrifying ordeal of knowing and being known - they both knew a bit too much about each other. “Take a nap.”

What Jared had expected was for Evan to get up, grab his things, and head off to his room to sleep. What Jared hadn’t expected was for Evan to shuffle around and uncross his legs, sinking down to curl up tightly on one edge of the futon. It looked horribly uncomfortable, he had his knees pulled in close to himself to keep himself from touching Jared while still letting himself be horizontal. 

Deciding words were overrated Jared just slouched back into the cushions and reached out to tug on Evan’s leg, urging him to straighten out his knees. It seemed instinctual, how easily Evan let himself relax until his legs were stretched over Jared’s lap. As it happened Jared found himself mumbling out an explanation of sorts, “you’re gonna complain about your knees hurting like that.”

“Wake me up before four?” It was sometime around two.

“Mhm, duck,” Jared gave his shin a pat, already looking back down at his phone.

* * *

“Jare.” The voice that hit him was low and sleep heavy. It took Jared a second to will his eyes to open, but when he did he saw Evan propping himself up, one hand on Jared’s shoulder. His legs were still over his lap.

“Shit, did I fall asleep?” Jared watched as Evan opened his mouth, ready to answer before realizing that it was rhetorical. It was a sight Jared saw often enough, Evan always trying to supply him with answers, even when he didn’t have them. It made a sleepy smile play over his face. “Time?”

“Like..” Evan trailed off, removing his hand from Jared’s shoulder to check his phone, “four.”

“Perfect.” It was nearly silent as Jared pushed his glasses up to rub at his face. 

There was a beat where Evan carefully pulled his legs back from Jared’s lap and moved to stand, smoothing out his shirt. Jared tried not to watch too closely as the other stretched until there was a soft pop from his back. He absolutely didn’t pay attention to how Evan’s shirt rode up and showed the waistband of his boxers. Forcing his gaze away Jared looked downwards, focusing on his cast instead of Evan - that quiet guilt crept back in.

With some quiet shuffling Evan moved over towards Jared’s desk, straightening some things out before he started to wander back towards the futon. 

“Uh, would you-”

“D’you think I, uh-”

They met eyes and after a confusion filled beat of silence they broke off into quiet laughter. Jared’s nose crinkled and Evan’s smile was lopsided. 

“Spill it, Hansen,” Jared managed first, eyes catching the sharpie the other was now clutching in his hands.

“I was just.. uh, wondering if I could.. sign your cast?” It was spoken softly as he lowered himself back onto the futon. When they sat together now there was less space between them. Evan’s knee almost brushed Jared’s thigh. 

“Oh,” Jared found himself a bit dumbfounded, blinking up at Evan before he scrambled to collect himself, “I mean.. yeah. I guess, if you want.”

While he tried to brush it off he was fairly certain Evan caught his grin as he turned his face away. He bit back a surprised noise as he felt an arm hook under his leg, gently pulling it up until it was laid over Evan’s lap. Jared just shifted his body to face him a bit more, watching him uncap the sharpie and lean down. He let his head lean back against the cushions, staring at the ceiling.

After a few minutes passed without Evan recapping the sharpie Jared couldn’t help but feel confusion wash over him. He knew Evan could be a bit of a perfectionist at times, but this was excessive. “Hey, Picasso, Rich is gonna want room to sign, too.”

Any laughter died on his lips as he looked down and saw Evan leaning back, revealing his masterpiece.

“There’s.. there’s plenty of room!”

Jared couldn’t keep back his signature cackle, staring down at Evan’s name where it covered a solid half of his cast, big letters stretching up the side. Around it were some small scribbled stars as well as various cartoon trees. Jared couldn’t really tell the difference between the few little pine (hah) trees and deciduous trees. Though, he knew each one was likely very specific and Evan would be willing to name them all off if he asked. “Thanks.”

* * *

“Shit!” Evan practically squeaked, sinking down into the futon as a jumpscare flashed on the screen. They’d met Jeremy for dinner and ended up splitting ways, the knowing look Jared had gotten from them seemed to prove that Jeremy didn’t actually have any homework to work on. 

So they had a movie night, complete with the lights off and a big blanket draped over both of them. Jared would have made fun of him if he hadn’t also been startled, pressing closer against Evan’s side. At some point in their moving Jared’s hand ended up pressed down against Evan’s. Neither of them moved.

“You picked this movie, dude,” Jared snorted, trying to play off the fact that he’d also just fallen for the same jumpscare.

“You agreed!” Evan glanced at him and while his voice shot up an octave there was a shaky smile on his face. When he turned back to the screen it fizzled and he made a noise at the gore on screen. Squeezing his eyes shut his fingers shifted, grabbing onto Jared’s hand.

All he answered with was a breathy laugh, easily connecting his fingers with Evan’s. He would have been worried that the other could hear his heart pounding in his chest but.. knowing Evan’s perpetual anxiety Jared was sure Evan wasn’t paying that much attention. Besides, they’d held hands plenty as kids. Maybe this was just.. part of repairing their friendship.

“I told you it didn’t have to be horror.” Jared couldn’t bring himself to mind how their palms stuck together with sweat.

“You would’ve made fun of me for something else,” the tone wasn’t fully serious, punctuated with a laugh as Evan tentatively opened his eyes to look over at him.

“Maybe so.” Jared tried to ignore the squeeze in his chest at Evan’s breathy laugh. “Didn’t expect you to actually pick one though - you’re always such a pussy with horror movies that aren’t like.. Creature from the Black Lagoon.”

“Am not!” There was another laugh and their shoulders pressed together as Evan bumped him.

“Freshman year for Halloween we watched all the Halloweentown movies.”

“They’re good,” Evan’s indignance melted away at Jared’s laughter.

“Fine, fine. You can pick whatever for the next movie,” Jared mumbled, trying not to think too hard about the shared warmth of their fingers locked together.

Jared didn’t have to wrestle with himself over the thought of asking Evan to stay over again because they fell asleep leaning against each other watching 50 First Dates.

* * *

“Dude,” Jared pulled Evan’s arm towards himself - easy enough considering their joined hands. “How’d you break your bracelet?”

Evan’s brow furrowed and he looked to his wrist, biting at his lip when he realized what Jared was asking about. “O..Oh! It just.. yeah it broke. I don’t remember.”

“‘m sure Michael’ll make you another one after break,” Jared said, dropping it easy enough. Evan shifted uncomfortably as their hands separated, rubbing his palm off on his jeans. They were sitting close enough though, thighs touching, that Jared was able to pick up on the discomfort. Even though he didn’t see anything Evan was painfully aware of the glance he’d gotten. 

They were doing a lot of not talking about things in the last three days. The sudden spike in physical closeness was nice but.. fragile. It was easier to ignore it. But this was something else, this was Evan’s own issue that had been threatening to boil over.

“I, uh.. no. He doesn’t have to..”

“Ev, it’s cool. He likes makin’ them. Gives him something to do with his hands,” Jared was already shifting to pull out his phone, only freezing when Evan suddenly jumped away from him, sitting up straighter. The space between them made Evan feel colder.

“No I mean, uh. Shit.” Evan balled up his fists, tucking them between his thighs to keep himself from fidgeting more. “I don’t.. I don’t want another one. I’m not.. I’m not, uh, bi.”

“Huh?” For a second Evan swore he saw hurt flash over Jared’s face before it turned into something bitter.. maybe betrayed? Evan realized the issue of his careless word choice a little too late. “What so.. you’ve just been playing around the whole time?”

There was something between the words, exactly what both of them were pointedly ignoring - and would continue to. It made his heart sink, the implication that Jared was just some sort of experiment for him.

“Fuck - no. No I’m.. I’m not,” Evan swallowed thickly, squeezing his hands together tighter, “I’m not straight!”

Jared just looked at him expectantly and Evan felt like he was on the verge of passing out from shortness of breath. He was looking down off the edge of a precipice, one he’d been avoiding for a while. At some point he convinced himself the drop could be ignored, just a pothole on the road that was his life. It only got harder to ignore as time passed, the guilt in his chest weighing heavier the longer he turned a blind eye.

“I’m gay,” he choked out, clenching his jaw to try and hide how his chin was quivering.

“..okay?” Jared’s brow furrowed and it made Evan want to yell and cry all at once - blown away by how easy the whole thing seemed for Jared.

“You.. why do you act like..” His breaths turned into shuddering gasps and he hunched his shoulders, trying to keep himself even marginally collected.

“Chill,” Jared mumbled, shifting until their knees were touching. “Just.. talk me through it, then.”

“I’ve.. yeah. I think I’ve.. known for, like, a while? I just didn’t.. want,” Evan drew in a gasping breath before moving his hands to scrub at his face with the heel of his hands. He could hear how Jared’s breath came out in a shudder in response. “I thought.. my mom would hate me and she’s.. like.. all the family I have, y’know?” Evan sniffed, harshly rubbing at his eyes, “so I thought I.. could just be with Zoe? Which was.. wrong for a billion reasons but.. yeah. It wasn’t.. I’m gay.”

By the end of it his voice faded into a whisper, nearly giving out. He muttered out a near silent ‘fuck’ as he felt tears stinging in his eyes. With a short sigh he pressed the heel of his hands against his eyes, just trying to keep himself from crying because the second Jared saw the first tear they’d both fall into a mess of snot and tears. 

“Ev, hey. It’s alright,” Jared’s voice was softer than Evan had heard it in.. probably years. He felt the futon shift as Jared scooted closer, slowly moving to pull him into a hug. He tried to pinpoint the last time he’d hugged Jared - cringing at the memory of the time he’d tried to hug him in the mess that was their senior year. Evan just let himself deflate a bit, letting his head drop to rest against Jared’s shoulder until he was able to steady his breathing.

“Sorry I.. just, yeah.” Evan swallowed thickly, finally lifting his head and rubbing at his eyes again before looking at Jared. There was something soft in his gaze that Evan hadn’t seen in years, probably. 

“I said it’s fine.” Jared blinked a few times, willing away his own tears. He pulled a tight lipped smile, but it wasn’t ingenuine. It made Evan’s chest tight - all he wanted was for Jared to just keep looking at him like that, soft and warm and real. Before he could think twice he had a hand braced on his shoulder, leaning forwards until their lips touched. Jared didn’t kiss back.

_ Jared didn’t kiss back. _

Why hadn’t he learned his lesson the last time he’d tried to do this same thing?

When he finally pulled back Jared was looking at him with wide eyes but.. he seemed far off. His hands were balled into fists and Evan could see the slight shake in his shoulders. Just when things were getting okay he had to fuck it up - he always had to fuck up anything good.

“Sorry,” he spat out, already scrambling off the futon to stand. “Sorry.”

In his mad dash to put space between them he bumped into Jared’s desk, flinching as he heard a pencil roll to the ground. A few more apologies fell from his lips but he couldn’t hear them over the blood rushing in his ears. Leaning down he grabbed his hoodie off Jared’s desk chair and double checked his keys and wallet were in his pocket. He rushed past the futon, grabbing his phone on the way to the door. He didn’t look back. He couldn’t look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world <3


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for some homophobia? no slurs or anything and its not detailed mostly just.. being ridiculed by peers type of homophobia
> 
> also,, thinking about jareds cut song and the idea that maybe he speaks partially from personal experience in it,,

_ Just like the last handful of summers prior Jared found himself at another six week summer camp in the gap of time between junior and senior year. It was his last year before he could become a counselor and he knew he was a shoo-in for one of the positions as long as he kept on (mostly) good behavior.  _

_ That would be simple enough, the few people he spent his time around were a small group of kids who’d been showing up the last four years alongside him. They’d all finally calmed down a bit as they were getting ready to enter their final year of high school, a few of them getting into that counselor mindset for the next summer.  _

_ In total, there were seven of them. Three of them were doing the CIT program while the other four were just spending their last year with their camp friends. Sure, none of them really talked throughout the rest of the year, but being in close quarters for six weeks every summer for years foraged bonds. Sometimes intense bonds. One of the girls had dated both of the guys who weren’t Jared in the group after two different pent up summers. Aside from that there were always some one-off makeout sessions. As it turns out shoving some pent up teens in close quarters for weeks had some side effects. Over the years some of Jared’s ‘down time’ spots became unusable as straight teens found them and decided to swap spit there. _

_ It took four years before Jared got one of those moments. While his peers had always outwardly respected his transition he got the nagging idea that the girls never really viewed him as a guy, thus only pointedly never expressing interest in  _ him.  _ Which.. he didn’t exactly mind, considering the idea of making out with a girl just felt wrong, but it still stung. This last year though.. things were different. He was almost a year on testosterone and he was finally growing into himself, it wasn’t like he got much attention, but any attention was new to Jared. Most of it was ignored (Jared didn’t really care for girls looking at him that way, besides they were usually a year or two younger) but.. there was some of it that grabbed his attention.  _

_ Namely, lingering looks from one of his bunkmates. The other guy from his friend group who was doing the CIT program. (Jared liked to think of them in abstracts now, without names.) Ever since Jared fully came out and started bunking with the other guys they always paired up, he always let Jared take the bottom bunk. Their involvement with the CIT program had them spending more time together without their other guy friend from the group, sometimes taking walks at night and talking about everything their summer as counselors together would hold.  _

_ There was one day where they were walking back from a meeting for the counselors in training, missing the start of an organized water balloon fight. They were walking back a bit slowly (Jared didn’t relish the idea of getting his clothes soaked while wearing a binder), hoping to miss the end of the whole ordeal. Down the trail, through the sparse trees, they could still see the group of teens throwing balloons and dragging each other into the shallows of the lake. Jared couldn’t help but scrunch up his nose at the thought of being involved. _

_ “They won’t miss us for another twenty minutes, at least,” Jared could barely process what was being said to him as a hand on his arm pulled him behind the small building that housed spare canoe paddles and lifejackets. “We can just hide out back here.” _

_ Breath caught in his throat because there was still a hand on his arm and he was looking up a boy with soft hair and freckles and fuck - the sun coming through the tree leaves was dappled over his face. Here was someone right in front of him who was smiling down at him and this was his chance to pursue something that might actually work rather than staring at the hands of the same boy he’d been pining over for years to no avail. Besides, if it didn’t work they’d just split paths at the end of the summer and if it went really bad Jared could just never come back to be a counselor. _

_ “Yeah,” Jared managed lamely, swallowing thickly. He wasn’t able to mentally berate himself because there were lips against his and a hand on his hip. His heart was beating out of control and all he could think about was the feeling of stubble as they kissed. _

_ The next thing he knew was someone shouting, no matter how many times he scanned the memory he couldn’t remember. All he could remember from the blur that ensued was them separating - well, he’d gotten shoved away. There was an accusatory finger pointed at him. There was blame, a lot of blame.  _

_ “He just kissed me out of nowhere, I’m not gay!” _

_ Shame brought a harsh burn to his face and he was fleeing the scene. Not quick enough, though. His other friends were there, everyone was there. Disgust, pity, judgement. His breaths were short and he nearly tripped over a root as he backed up before turning and running down the path.  _

_ The only good thing that came out of the whole thing (which, really, wasn’t that good) was that one of the counselors had been understanding of his plight. She was a college student in her second year of being a counselor, she was typically in charge of the computer cluster and was well aware of Jared’s skills with computers. They’d actually bonded over it the year before. But now, after the.. situation, he’d come to learn she was a lesbian.  _

_ Not everything could be fixed - there was a bunk switch, but that didn’t keep news from spreading. Most people just avoided Jared and he started eating meals at the counselor table. He’d gotten a key for the computer cluster, likely out of pity, or maybe to keep him from reporting the lack of support everyone in charge gave him. _

_ Within the week he’d wiped half of his social media accounts and blocked anyone he’d had added before from camp. He locked his twitter and privated his instagram. The last thing he wanted was for this situation to make it back home. Or back to Evan. _

_ Being outed at camp was bad enough, being outed at home would be too much to handle. _

* * *

There was radio silence between them. Jared wasn’t too keen on reaching out and he knew that Evan wouldn’t either, whether he was locked in his room swamped with guilt, nerves, or regret didn’t make much difference. Evan had kissed him and.. 

Well, he wasn’t sure. 

Of course he’d liked it - it just caught him off guard. It was both everything and not at all what he’d thought about for so many years and as soon as he had it.. it was overwhelming. He wanted to enjoy it, but it had just brought memories back. In the moment he’d just been frozen.

Honestly, he was  _ still _ a bit shaken. By the time he’d been able to collect himself nearly an hour had passed and the mere thought of trying to text Evan made him sick. So he let it go. He wrote it off and just tried to forget. Evan was an impulsive kisser, if Zoe was anything to go off of. He’d probably just gotten emotional and thought it was the right thing to do, considering they were both gay and had known each other so long. 

Right?

Jared just didn’t want to think about it. So he didn’t. What he  _ did _ do was drag himself off the futon and hobble over to his desk, booting up his computer to find something to do so he wouldn’t have to think. All he had to do was make it another day, then Evan’s mom would pick him up and he’d be gone for the rest of the week on Thanksgiving break. He tried not to think about what would happen after that.

The next day was spent locked up in his room, living off granola bars and crackers. There was one well timed run to the bathroom, and it worked. He didn’t see Evan at all. Though, he probably  _ could _ have gone down to the dining hall. If he was being honest, the odds of Evan doing the same thing and locking himself in his room was likely. But it wasn’t worth the risk. While he knew Evan and he  _ knew  _ that he was out to his friends.. all those fears came back from summer camp. He remembered the shame and the ridicule. His limited snack selection was enough because he didn’t have much of an appetite anyways.

**Duck (Ev) (10:04 am):** Happy Thanksgiving

Jared stared at the text for a good ten minutes while lying on the futon. It was the first sort of contact since Tuesday and while two days wasn’t necessarily that long of a time after not talking to Evan for nearly a year.. It was a lot considering the spike in closeness between them over the last few months.

The ambiguity didn’t help. Jared wasn’t sure if Evan was just being polite or trying to reach out.

So he ignored it.

It was easier that way, it was better that way. If he’d responded he wasn’t really sure what he would’ve said. Thinking back to the kiss was giving him whiplash and he just wanted a break. So he just closed his texts and absentmindedly scrolled through twitter. They could deal with it next week. Probably.

At least it didn’t seem like all hope was lost. Even if Evan regretted it he was still there. Evan was still there unlike everyone else who used to claim him as a friend, Evan wasn’t pinning it on him or blaming him. Evan wasn’t like his summer camp friends. 

That put him at ease, even if only marginally.

* * *

There was a knock on his door. Jared furrowed his brows as he struggled off the futon, straining to grab his crutches so he could hobble over. No one was back yet, it was only Saturday and everyone was slated to come back either Sunday or Monday. It could have been his RA, considering they were the only two on the floor and most people in the building had gone home - he might’ve realized Jared had just been shut in his room. Or he was just doing his job. Either way Jared internally cringed at the thought of making polite small talk. He knew he looked like a mess, he was sure he was starting to smell, too. Showering was hard with a cast and he planned on waiting until the next day, showering right before Rich got back. Or at least trying to wash his hair, he could manage that without too much stress.

Another knock pulled him from his thoughts and he sighed, balancing on his crutches as he reached out to unlock the door and pull it open. Instead of a well meaning RA there was someone else at his door. Someone in a nice, clean shirt. Someone with a new haircut. Someone who was hesitant, but smiling.

“Uh.. hey.”

“‘sup,” Jared managed, throat tight. His fingers tapped against the metal, trying to keep him from slipping back into memories. Evan wasn’t like that. Evan was here in front of him.

“Can we.. sorry.” Evan shifted on his feet, fingers tangling in the hem of his shirt as his hands fought to keep still. There was a pause and he opened and shut his mouth a few times, seeming to carefully weigh his words carefully. “Can we.. uh, maybe just watch some movies or something? And, uh, get some dinner?”

“Yeah,” Jared cleared his throat, finding himself nodding. “Yeah, man.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world <3


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> doesnt update for two days and then posts two in one day oop

Evan meant to bring it up - of course he did. But then he was outside Jared’s door and his knees were trembling, threatening to give out if someone looked at him a little too strong. So when Jared opened the door he was talking without thinking and somehow they ended up on Jared’s futon three episodes deep into some shitty show with their shoulders touching. It was exactly the opposite of what he wanted, well, in the sense of wanting to actually communicate with Jared about their actual feelings. But he made his bed and he was just going to lie in it if that was what Jared wanted.

Halfway through episode five Evan was chewing on his nails with enough fervor that Jared had to pause the show and grab Evan’s wrist to get him to stop.

“I feel like I’m going insane, dude,” Jared fixed him with a look caught between exasperation and concern, “if I hear your fucking teeth one more time I’m going feral.”

“Sorry,” Evan swallowed thickly and as soon as Jared released his grip he was smoothing out his shirt with sweaty palms. “Can’t help it.”

Jared made a contemplative sound before pushing the blanket off his lap, reaching for his crutches so he could hobble across the room towards Rich’s desk. He opened one of the drawers and started rifling through it, “here. Rich says this helps him so I dunno if you..”

Evan twisted around on the futon to watch Jared rifle around. After a second he dropped his crutches and dropped into Rich’s desk chair, beckoning him over. Not one to argue, Evan scrambled up off the futon and moved over towards Jared, watching him sort through some bottles of nail polish. “You wanna paint my nails?”

“If it stops you biting your nails, sure.” Jared patted the top of the desk (which was clean for once) and Evan hesitantly moved to sit on top of it. “Is that cool?”

“Yeah,” it was choked out and he cleared his throat, nodding quickly. “Yeah.”

“Color preference?”

“Uh..” Evan’s eyes darted between the handful of polishes and Jared quickly realized his mistake, sure they’d be there for at least half an hour. “I, uh.. surprise me?”

Jared lit up a little bit, a slight smile tugging on his lips as he started pulling out bottles. In the interest of actually being surprised Evan deflected his gaze away, staring at the clutter on Jared’s desk. After a second he felt a warm hand holding onto his own, pulling it until it was settled on his own knee. Jared moved his hand underneath Evan’s, giving himself a better angle to paint over his nails.

At least things didn't feel so hopeless anymore.

Don’t get him wrong - Evan still felt sick to his stomach with nerves, but Jared touching his hands helped him calm down a little bit. When he felt their hands shift, Jared moving on to the next, he let himself look down, splaying out his fingers. The colors alternated between a soft yellow and a light blue. The blue made sense, if Evan was wearing something besides gray it was usually that, his mom had always said it was his color. The yellow was a nice touch, albeit maybe a little out of left field. 

“Yellow?” He directed his gaze down to Jared who didn’t bother looking up, carefully painting over Evan’s index finger. 

“Duck,” was all he muttered and Evan swore he saw the tips of his ears go red. Which.. was fair. He felt his own face heating up as a slight smile pulled on his lips. Though, it did remind him of something-

“Oh, I uh.. got you something. Over break.” Evan worried his lip between his teeth as he watched Jared freeze up, pausing in his work. After a second he looked up and Evan couldn’t quite place his expression. It was definitely softer than he was used to seeing, though. Almost like Jared didn’t want to believe him. “I can go grab it when you’re done.”

Jared just hummed an acknowledgement before turning his head back down to finish his work. His ears were definitely red this time.

After a half hour of waiting for nail polish and top coats to dry Evan was jogging down the hall to his room in his socks, digging a plastic bag from his suitcase. Usually he went for reusable but he hadn’t planned on buying anything, it just sort of happened. He almost left his door unlocked but halfway back to Jared’s room he spun around and backtracked to hurriedly lock his door.

By the time he burst back into Jared’s room he was out of breath, so at least he could play off his red face on that. He moved over to where Jared had moved to sit back on the futon, holding out the bag to him, mumbling a breathless, “here.”

With an arched brow Jared took the bag, opening it as if something inside would jump out at him. Evan fidgeted with his hands as he watched, waiting for a reaction. When there was silence he couldn’t help but feel like it was all over. Jared turned the packing over in his hand, inspecting it closely. When he finally looked up there was something soft in his eyes and Evan was _sure_ he messed up.

“You’re too fuckin’ cute, Hansen.” Jared sniffed quietly before peeling open the packaging. It was just something silly, Evan didn’t even realize they still made croc charms, but when he saw one shaped like a little rubber ducky he couldn’t help but buy it on impulse. Jared tried to cover up the sniff with a breathy laugh but it was a bit weak.

Tentatively Evan lowered himself to sit on the futon next to Jared, scratching at the back of his neck, “I just thought.. y’know.”

Jared rolled his eyes a bit, leaning to toss the package onto his desk before settling back against the couch. He moved so that their thighs pressed together, an amused smile playing over his lips. 

So maybe things would be okay.

Swallowing thickly Evan shifted to place his hand on his own leg, sticking his pinkie out until it barely touched Jared’s leg. After leaning over to grab the remote, unpausing the show Evan had forgotten they were watching, he settled his own hand on top of Evan’s. It was nice, that was enough for now.

* * *

“When does Rich get back?” Evan absentmindedly brushed a thumb over the back of Jared’s hand. It was odd how normal it felt.

“Like.. six? All three of them will be back, they wanted to order food for dinner.” Jared glanced at his phone and Evan also let his gaze flit over, _3pm._ Three hours. He had three hours to grow a pair and do something. Well - he could do something after everyone got back, and.. in theory if things went right there’d be no reason to sneak around. 

Episode ten was playing in the background and it seemed like the more they watched the less interested he got. Jared seemed invested, though, so he just bit his tongue and waited for the minutes to pass. He kept glancing towards the clock on the microwave set on the minifridge by Jared’s desk, he _knew_ it would make the time feel slower but he couldn’t help it.

After ten minutes he started bouncing his leg (the one furthest from Jared), staring at a small Pokemon poster pinned above Jared’s desk. It was a promotional poster from when they’d gone to pick up a pre-ordered game on launch night freshman year. 

After fifteen minutes he was rubbing the hand that wasn’t holding Jared’s over his knee, trying to ground himself with the repetitive motion. He stopped when he felt Jared nudge him with his shoulder.

After twenty minutes he raised his hand to his mouth, wanting to bite at his nails before clenching his fist and holding his hand close to his side.

Five more minutes and the episode was over, before the next episode could play Evan was sitting up straighter and reaching around Jared for the remote. His breaths were getting short and he grit his teeth, closing out of the show and dropping the remote back onto the futon.

“What?” Jared scrunched up his face in confusion, tightening his grip on Evan’s hand. Encouragement.

“I just,” Evan turned so he was fully facing Jared now, chest tight with nerves that were bunched like a spring waiting to shoot across the room. “I was just kind of thinking-”

“Dangerous,” Jared mumbled with a breathy laugh. Evan’s return laugh was almost panicked.

“Shut.. Shut up,” he couldn’t help but give a shaky smile, though, “I was.. thinking. Well.. I guess, uh, I was looking at you and I was thinking? I was thinking about you.”

Jared looked at him expectantly, Evan felt his fingers twitch against his own.

“I messed up.. the other day, I’m sorry. That was weird and.. I shouldn’t have..” Evan watched Jared’s expression fall and he moved to pull their hands apart but Evan tightened his grip, preventing him from pulling away. “I meant.. I mean, uh, I did it wrong? And I’m really.. really sorry about that. So.. I mean, that’s why I wanted uh..”

Evan swallowed thickly, feeling sweat collect on his brow. Jared stayed quiet and Evan willed himself to keep going. His skin felt as if it was on fire.

“Could.. I, sorry,” Evan winced, glancing away before he brought his eyes back to Jared’s face. “Could.. do you.. do you think that, uh. Uh. That I could kiss you?”

There was a beat of silence and Jared drew his brows together, gaze flitting around Evan’s face, searching for the punchline. It didn’t come. Instead Jared’s free hand moved over to settle on Evan’s shoulder, fingers curling lightly into the fabric. The grip on his shirt and hand kept Evan from fleeing and locking himself away for the rest of time, there was panic swimming in his gaze.

“C’mere,” Jared mumbled, releasing Evan’s shirt and slipping his hand up to cup Evan’s face. The soft touch immediately had Evan tearing up as he dipped his head to meet Jared’s lips. It was softer this time, slower.

Evan’s own free hand moved to press against the back of Jared’s head, fingers brushing over the hair at the base of his neck.

“Stop.. stop crying, idiot. ‘m gonna cry,” Jared mumbled against his lips, suddenly making Evan aware of the tears that were rolling down his cheeks.

“Sorry, sorry,” Evan pulled back an inch, sniffling quietly as he tried to blink his tears away.

“Just shut up,” Jared whispered, voice strained. Evan caught a glimpse of the tears rolling down his face but before he could process it Jared pulled him back in, connecting their lips again. Evan almost winced from the slightly salty taste of the tears that dripped down into their kiss. Their hands pulled apart, instead grasping at each other. Evan’s other hand joined his first, tangling in the hair on the back of Jared’s head. Jared’s free hand was braced against Evan’s chest. After a minute they broke apart, foreheads pressed together. Short puffs of breath filled the slight space between their lips.

“Can I kiss you again?” Evan was smiling now, sniffling as the tears kept falling. Jared’s shoulders shook and Evan wasn’t sure if it was from laughter or if it was a barely stifled sob. Instead of answering verbally he used the hand on Evan’s face to urge him to move closer again, pressing their lips together.

The ache in Evan’s chest was different this time, it was warm. Maybe this only made the situation more confusing, full of silent ‘what are we’s and ‘how long’s that were just going to have to stay unanswered for a bit. Because Evan just wanted to stay in the moment, even if Jared’s glasses were pressing against his face, even with their tears making a mess between them. 

It felt right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world <3
> 
> feel free to hmu on tumblr too (antpelts) if yall wanna yell about kleinsen and apparently im back into rp so im also up for that and also game to turn rps into fics after the fact i just wanna talk about these boys i love them


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this chapter is a mess im kinda a mess rn

“Rich gone?” Evan toed off his shoes as he shut Jared’s door behind him. When he looked up he saw Jared splayed awkwardly over his bed - at least he’d finally gotten it delofted and he could sleep there instead of on the futon.

“Yup,” Jared mumbled, looking up from his phone. “Probably making out with his boyfriend.”

“Isn’t Jer with them?” Evan scrunched up his face, tensing up at the word boyfriend. That was probably a conversation they should have. But.. Jared was scooting over and setting down his phone and Evan couldn’t say no to that. He carefully climbed onto the bed, tucking his body up against Jared’s.

“Dude, I don’t know what the fuck is goin’ on with that,” Jared snorted out a laugh, pressing his face to Evan’s shoulder. The irony wasn’t lost on him because what the fuck was going on with  _ this.  _

“Your hair’s greasy,” Evan mumbled, tilting his head back to keep his nose from brushing Jared’s head. 

“You can only be rude if it’s not to me, asshole,” Jared mumbled against Evan’s shoulder, laughing quietly. “Showering is hard. I didn’t wanna deal with it.”

“Have you.. not showered since you got the cast? That’s like..” Evan looked up at the ceiling, trying to do the mental math, “two weeks.”

“Fuck dude, I’m not an animal!” Jared weakly hit Evan’s chest, rolling his eyes. “I kinda just.. wash my hair in the sink. And then like.. half shower. With, like, a wash cloth.”

“You know you can.. wrap your cast right?” 

“I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.” Evan couldn’t help but laugh at that, finally giving in and pressing his cheek to Jared’s head. “Yeah. But then I’d have to like.. balance on my leg and carry all my shit.”

“I can help you.”

There was a beat of silence where Evan processed what he said, his face flushing a deep red. He was stuttering his way through apologies at a breakneck pace. He’d crossed a boundary because they weren’t even  _ dating,  _ and it was just grossly inappropriate of him. How couldn’t it be? Jared broke his leg and Evan wanted to help him shower, it just sounded like he wanted to take advantage of the situation, didn’t it? He just sounded like an utter creep-

“-van. Fucking hell, earth to Ev.” Jared was pushing himself to sit up, looking down at him with his face creased in something between concern and confusion.

“-rry, sorry. That was weird and gross I don’t-”

“Dude. I said alright. I mean, like,” Jared’s gaze flitted to look anywhere but Evan’s face, “like you can carry my shit. And like stand by the shower in case I need you to hand me something.”

“Oh.” It made sense, the bathrooms were big enough, the pod style really was nice. Evan could just station himself off to the side and look away while Jared used the shower in the corner of the room. It had a curtain and everything! Though mortification still hung heavy in his chest, even if his offer wasn’t out of line his string of apologies was just pathetic.

“Wanna help me wrap my cast?”

“N..Now?” Evan nearly choked on the word, watching Jared maneuver around him to gently drop onto the floor, careful of the cast. He grabbed his crutches from where they were propped against the bed, moving to sit himself down on the futon.

“You don’t have to do this.” Jared looked at him pointedly, raising an eyebrow. “I’ve managed so far.”

“But.. you want to uh..” Evan rolled off the bed, stumbling as he caught himself, following after Jared. He grabbed some plastic bags from beside Jared’s desk (left from the trip they made to buy late night snacks the day prior). “I wanna help.”

“Alright,” Jared looked at him expectantly, shifting around until he could stretch his leg out. “Tape in the top desk drawer.”

Evan grabbed the duct tape and sat on the floor in front of Jared, wrapping up the cast with a sort of practiced ease. Jared’s cast was bigger, though, and Evan had to dig around Rich’s side of the room for two extra bags to fully cover it. Once he was done he sat back on his heels, trying to run through all the logistics. “But.. if someone sees us both go into a bathroom they’re gonna think..”

The heat on Evan’s face was undeniable and it was really up for grabs whether it was from embarrassment or the thought of being with Jared like  _ that  _ and nope-

“Just wait like.. a minute and then follow me. Dude. No one cares, people do worse shit in those bathrooms. You’ll live.”

“Okay.. yeah. Alright.” Evan smoothed his palms over his pants before getting to his feet. “I’ll just.. I can bring your clothes and shower stuff.. and everything. Yeah. You.. you can go now and I’ll.. I’ll be there in a second.”

When he’d mentioned it he hadn’t really thought twice - he couldn’t even believe he said it. It was suddenly very real very fast and he was pretty sure he’d gotten whiplash from it.

“Text me if you change your mind,” Jared fixed him with a look, more serious than he usually pulled before he hobbled over to the door on his crutches. After he managed to open it he gave a mock salute before heading down the hall. He’d given Evan an out.

Swallowing thickly he hooked Jared’s shower bag over his arm and draped a towel around his neck. After a second he dug through Jared’s drawers, carefully, as if seeing Jared’s boxers were a sin. He knew he wore them! He’d seen Jared without pants, laying around and sweating under summer heat, but this seemed so different. After he grabbed Jared's clothes he checked his phone, sure enough he had a text.

**Jare (6:22 pm):** last one on the left

Sending a confirmation he tucked his phone into his pocket and grabbed Jared’s key so he could lock the door behind him. He felt like he was committing a crime. Or a sin. Or both. Maybe he was.

Before he headed into the last pod room in the bathrooms he glanced around nervously. When the coast was clear he quickly opened the door and slipped inside, immediately locking the door behind him. When he looked up Jared was looking at him with a highly amused expression, a shit-eating grin on his face.

“W..What?” Evan grimaced a bit, moving to drape the towel over one of the towel hooks before hooking the shower bag on the other.

“Shh,” Jared barely stifled a laugh as he whispered, “don’t want someone to hear.”

The flush was back across Evan’s cheek with twice the ferocity now and he was nodding frantically, panic swimming in his eyes. Jared’s response was just a barely stifled laugh that made his shoulders shake and his face scrunch up. Evan busied himself with setting the folded clothes he brought for Jared on the sink, next to where his phone was balanced. The water was already running, at least, hopefully covering up any whispers. 

After a moment of standing aimlessly in the middle of the bathroom Evan slowly moved to sit on top of the closed toilet, wringing his hands. He looked to Jared, as if for direction but he’d already propped his crutches on the wall and was using it for support as he tugged his shirt off. Evan had never paid attention to anyone’s back before but he couldn’t help but think about kissing Jared’s shoulders. Well, he couldn’t help but think about just kissing him in general. They hadn’t kissed since the weekend prior but every time they were alone in Jared’s dorm he would find his way to Evan’s side and curl up against him.

Collecting his thoughts Evan just turned his head to the side, staring intently at the floor. Jared trusted him, the last thing he wanted was to hurt that. He only let his shoulders relax once he heard the shower curtain close. When he glanced up he saw an arm sticking out from behind the curtain reaching around until he was able to grab a shampoo bottle. Evan couldn’t help the fond smile that crossed his face - everything was absurd.

There was silence for a good two minutes (barring the water) that was only broken by what Evan could only guess was the sound of the shampoo bottle hitting the wall. Before Evan could hop up and stress over whether Jared was okay he heard a whisper, “hey.. Ev?”

Wiping sweaty palms off on his pants Evan hopped up and took a few tentative steps towards the shower. Even though there was a curtain between them Evan kept his eyes trained on the floor. “Uh.. yeah?”

“Okay, you’ve got me. I’ll admit defeat just this once,” there was an edge of amusement in his tone that was contagious and Evan couldn’t help the small smile that played on his face, “could you help me wash my hair? Balancing and opening bottles and blurry vision aren’t my favorite combination.”

“Oh but I..” Evan felt his mouth go dry - this was absolutely an invasion of privacy. Despite the fact that Jared was literally asking him. His brain didn’t want to accept that fact because the thought of being around Jared, who was not wearing clothes, made him feel like he was going to pass out. “I don’t.. wanna get my clothes wet.”

“Well, the great thing about that is that you can take your clothes off to shower.” Jared’s whisper was punctuated with a short laugh. “I’ve seen you without clothes before.”

“That.. that was..” Evan felt his face flush and he fidgeted with the end of his shirt. It had happened some time in middle school while they were swimming. Long story short.. swim trunks couldn’t always be trusted.

“I’m already in here and I can’t really do this.” Evan bit at his lips, the whole thing would have been for nothing. And.. it wasn’t like  _ he  _ was uncomfortable, he just didn’t want to make Jared uncomfortable. “Ev, it’s fine. I.. you don’t gotta, it’s cool.”

“I.. okay, hold on. Gimme.. a s..sec. I’m fine.” Evan shifted on his feet, taking a step back before he started to tug off his shirt. He took a breath to steady himself, pausing for a second to ground himself. Jared was telling him it was okay - his brain needed to learn to take a loss, it wasn’t always right. It was okay. In the end he kept his boxers on, that was a compromise enough, he supposed. 

Pausing outside the curtain he squeezed his eyes shut, “I.. okay. I’m coming in.”

“Jesus, are you serious?” Jared’s soft laugh hit his ears as he shuffled in past the curtain, still keeping his eyes shut. “If you slip and die I’ll kill you.”

“That.. that doesn’t,” Evan’s whisper broke into a stifled squeak as he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Oh my god. If you’re not going to open your eyes at least let me help,” Jared whispered back, helping to direct Evan to stand behind him. “Here.”

Evan felt a shampoo bottle being pressed into his hand and he took it before it clattered to the ground. He couldn’t help the slight shake in his hands as he uncapped the bottle, getting some shampoo in his hand before handing it back to Jared who was propping himself up against the wall. After a beat he slowly moved his hands to Jared’s hair, cracking one eye open so he wasn’t reaching blindly. It all just felt like some crazy dream but he wasn’t waking up, not even as warm water was wetting his hair and soaking his boxers-

Maybe it would have been better to ditch them because now he was uncomfortable. Wet clothes were one of the worst feelings, he was convinced. 

By the time he was able to start working conditioner into Jared’s hair he’d managed to relax a bit, keeping one eye half open as he let his hands linger in the brown locks. Making out was nothing compared to the soft quiet between them and the way Jared leaned his head back into his touch.

“Hey,” Jared’s voice caught him off guard and his hands froze where they were running through his hair to help rinse the conditioner. “You can dry off, I can manage the rest.”

“I.. yeah. Uh. Alright!” Evan managed in a whisper, pulling his hands back towards himself and squeezing his eyes shut again as he moved around Jared to shuffle out of the shower. He didn’t know if he could manage helping with body wash without dying from tenderness. Well and something else.. but mostly tenderness.

“I can’t believe you, duck,” Jared mumbled with a laugh. Evan heard him uncap the body wash as he reached for the towel, drying off his face.

“Hm?” Evan moved to dry the rest of himself off before peeling off his soaked boxers.

“Well have fun walking back without any underwear. Thanks to your genius plan.”

Evan cringed, looking over to his sweatpants. At least he hadn’t worn jeans. Once he’d dried off enough he quickly pulled his clothes on, cringing at the sensory experience he put himself in. When the water stopped Evan shut his eyes on instinct, feeling heat flood his face as he heard Jared laugh, probably at the absurdity of his insistence to keep his eyes closed. 

“You can head back to the room,” Jared moved to wrap the towel around himself, “dude. I’ve got the towel. Open your eyes.”

“Uh.. sorry,” Evan choked out, though he couldn’t help but sputter out a quiet laugh at the bemused expression on Jared’s face. “I’ll.. uh, grab this.”

Evan hooked Jared’s shower bag over his arm before leaning down to grab Jared’s dirty clothes, tucking his own waterlogged boxers in with them. With Jared’s key in hand he carefully slipped out of the bathroom, making sure there was no one around before heading back towards Jared’s room. 

* * *

“You done having a heart attack?” Evan looked up as Jared finally hobbled back into the room on his crutches, dropping his wet towel into his hamper.

“I wasn’t.. I don’t..” Evan scrunched up his face and just shifted over to give Jared room to sit down next to him.

“Thanks.. though.” Jared’s gaze held steady on the floor as he sat down, setting his crutches on the ground. A silence fell over them and Evan reflexively moved his arm to settle on the back of the futon. Jared easily settled against him, pressed up to his side. He knew he should’ve asked, the longer it went on the more stressed he got. But Jared was snickering and before Evan could ask what was so funny Jared was already talking, “even if you could’ve slipped and died thanks for not using that to get some jerk off material - kinda sweet in a dumb way.”

“I wouldn’t.. I! I wouldn’t do that.. that I don’t wa.. I didn’t want to take advantage of that!” His face was burning from the implications and pointedly ignoring some of the dreams he’d had about Jared.

“I know, I said it was sweet. Dumbass.” Evan melted a bit, half out of embarrassment and half from the softness in Jared’s voice. “I’m gonna finish this stupid show.”

Too long. He waited too long and the moment passed. Jared was already grabbing the tv remote to pull up the show they’d been watching for the last week. Well.. that Jared had been watching. Evan just sort of stared at the screen and thought about how warm Jared was next to him. They were back to their skewed version of normal like nothing had happened - like Evan hadn’t just gotten into the shower with him and washed his hair. Here he was, silently vying for attention from a guy who seemed willing to give it (willing to kiss him!) and he still couldn’t get his mouth to work to ask him what any of it meant for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean a lot


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took a hot minute. caught up in rp and reading the deh novel and stuff. also working on some other longer wips. one more chapter yall,, and then i can work on some mini sequels and some other fun kleinsen plans

Finals kept them from talking - well, of course they talked. They spent more time together than ever, but with the threat of tests and essays had everyone on edge. Especially Evan, Jared could respect that. So while they talked, they didn’t really  _ talk.  _ Jared was just content to haul himself down the hall on crutches in the middle of the night, after Rich decided to go over to Michael and Jeremy’s for the night, to knock on Evan’s door. Evan always answered, even if he was knee-deep in final essays, helping Jared to climb into his partially lofted bed to get lost in his mess of blankets. More often than not, Evan would give in and crawl into bed next to him, leaving his essays for the next morning.

“When are you going.. um, going home for break?” Evan’s voice was soft in the darkness. When Jared cracked an eye open to squint in the low light to see his face - he saw that Evan’s eyes were closed, if he hadn’t spoken Jared would assume he was asleep. 

“‘m just gonna stay here,” Jared mumbled, sighing as he rolled onto his side. Evan moved with him, pressing his chest close to Jared’s back. They’d fallen into a rhythm. 

“The whole.. break?” Jared could picture Evan’s expression, face scrunching up as something close to concern cropped up there.

“Yeah?” There was no reason to go home - after a tense call he managed to convince his mom it was better for him to stay there. Well, it was, but he had to spin it a different way when talking to his mom. There was never any truth there, there hadn’t been for a while.

“Oh,” Jared felt it more than heard it, breathed against the back of his neck, “I guess I, um, just.. thought..”

Right, Evan  _ was  _ going home. Everyone was going home. Jared knew that, he just ignored it for a while - Evan was going home and he wasn’t, they wouldn’t see each other until Evan came back. For the first time since he’d made his decision he almost regretted it, he was spending so much time with Evan and while he hated to admit it, he didn’t want to give it up. Even if only for a month.

“Just don’t wanna deal with the parents, dude,” Jared ended up on. It was a quiet reassurance that his decision was separate from Evan. “I’ve got some projects I can work on, I’m working on this site for someone right now.”

The extra information seemed to be enough to quiet Evan’s anxieties, just as he’d hoped.

“I’m not, um,” Evan cleared his throat before pressing his face close to the back of Jared’s neck, “sure.. when I’m going home yet? My last.. last test is on Friday.”

Jared just hummed an acknowledgement, signaling the end of the conversation. It seemed that Evan could accept that, he finally fell quiet and his body relaxed against Jared’s. Though, he wondered if his face was still creased in that way - brows furrowed, lip caught between his teeth as he bit it. It always seemed like everything was laid out on his face, maybe that was exclusive to Jared. Maybe he had a way of seeing through Evan’s bullshit. Maybe knowing a guy for nearly his whole life just did that.

* * *

Holidays weren’t typically something Jared cared for. It was everything he despised wrapped up in one: family obligation, pretending to be normal, being forced to sit at the dinner table, acting like he cared. Jared’s general relationship with religion was strained, he didn’t really have any  _ specific _ problems with it - it was just something his parents had pushed onto him. So he pushed back, of course. He had plenty of his own thoughts but he kept his distance from tradition, especially since it helped him keep distance from his parents.

Not to mention he was fucking tired of getting asked about his ‘Jewish Christmas’ by his peers and getting endless insensitive comments. He stopped mentioning things to his peers that gave away the fact he was Jewish and people eventually forgot. That gave him some peace, at least, he kept his identity to himself. That was all that mattered, it was only between him and himself. Well - and Evan knew, of course, but that was sort of a given. Hard to forget the fact that when Evan had come to celebrate plenty of nights of Chanukah with his family when they were younger and his mom was still just as busy trying to care for him. The workforce wasn’t the best with granting holidays to all their employees across faiths.

That brought him to now, hunched over his desk with a mess of thread spools around, working his needle through the back of a jean jacket. When they were kids he and Evan had always made each other something and gave it to each other on the last day of Chanukah. The tradition tapered off when their friendship grew strained through high school. So, while he had a strained relationship with his own identity and traditions and holidays.. he had a less strained relationship with Evan now. 

This was all a very roundabout way of him admitting that he wanted to make Evan a cute jacket with an ambitious tree embroidered on the back. His laptop was perched on the edge of the messy workspace his desk had become, open to a collection of reference images he’d used to stencil down the pattern. He just wanted to be extra sure he was accurate, down to the exact colors. Evan would notice that sort of thing.

It was probably better that he wasn’t going home anyways, he wasn’t sure he could finish the jacket in time to give it to Evan for the holiday.

He had to admit he was making good progress, though. After dinner he’d disappeared up to his room - Rich, Jeremy, and Michael had already loaded up Michael’s car and they headed straight for home after they ate. Evan had a late test that his mom was supposed to be picking him up from. They parted ways at dinner with lingering looks, Jared wished he would’ve thrown caution to the wind and gotten one last kiss in before he went home. He wondered if it was weird that.. he almost expected a kiss - or maybe just hoped for, which was equally embarrassing. They were at an in between space, unsure of what to expect or hope for or yearn for.

The only noise filling the room was coming from Jared’s phone, it was playing some podcast Evan had mentioned listening to. It was more for background noise than anything - he didn’t have the capacity to actually pay attention, he just liked having sound on while he worked. Besides, it was a nice thought to think Evan had probably listened to the same episodes and actually enjoyed them, even if Jared wasn’t invested. He  _ was _ going to pick an episode at random but ended up putting on the one on dendrology - of course Evan would’ve listened to this one, he was sure of it. If he focused hard enough he could almost pretend Evan was there, laying on his bed and recounting something he’d read on whether or not trees had feelings while Jared mindlessly did math homework. Almost.

At least he was making good headway on the trunk he was embroidering, laying down the outline and the darker parts. He couldn’t help but sigh to himself after realizing how much work he’d set up for himself with how detailed he was getting. But.. he wanted it to be great. He  _ also _ just hoped Evan would be willing to wear a jean jacket, he’d probably die of shame or something if Evan just hung it over his chair and never used it. Maybe that would’ve been something good to find out - ‘hey how do you feel about jean jackets, no reason.’

Finishing a few stitches he moved to start on another little section, rethreading his needle with another shade of brown thread. He started on his stitch only to be jolted out of his focus when he heard his doorknob. Did Rich forget something? They’d left hours ago. Why would they be back  _ now  _ of all times? The first thing he did was fumble to slam the pause button on his podcast, quiet falling over the room.

“Hey Jare, um, sorry to just-” Evan. He definitely didn’t expect that. Evan was supposed to be home, not on campus. In a blind panic Jared pulled out the keyboard tray and shoved the jacket onto it, slamming it shut. Some bundles of thread fell on the floor and he kicked them under the desk with his good leg before slamming his laptop shut and swiping everything on his desk into the top drawer on the side of it.

“Jesus, fuck!” Jared hopped up off his desk chair wobbling on his cast, spinning around to see Evan coming into his room hesitantly. He gripped his hand tightly where he’d gotten a light prick from one of the needles he was stitching with. “What are you doing here?”

So maybe it was a little harsh, but he was caught off guard. He was sure he looked like an utter mess - one of Evan’s hoodies with the hood up, glasses sliding down his nose, just boxers, only one sock on. 

“Hello to you- to you, too.” Evan took it in stride at least, smiling lopsidedly with a breathy laugh.

“What are you doing here?” Jared repeated, instinctively holding his arms out as Evan approached him. As soon as they were within hugging range Jared melted against Evan’s chest. In his defense, he hadn’t expected to see him until January.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve, uh, should’ve mentioned..” Evan chewed at his lip, glancing away.

“No, I.. idiot,” Jared heaved a sigh and reached up to poke at Evan’s face, “I didn’t say it was bad.”

It was easier to say that than outright detail the fact that Evan’s presence made him  _ happy.  _ Not bad would do for now.

“Oh,” Evan swallowed thickly, turning his face to poorly conceal a smile, “so.. it’s good? That I’m here?”

“Shut up,” Jared grumbled, wrapping his arms around Evan’s shoulders. “Answer me already, asshole.”

“Okay, I talked to my mom, um, Tuesday. I’m gonna stay here with- with you for another week, I mean.. I don’t have to stay  _ in here  _ here if you don’t want me to, um.. Sorry I probably should have asked if that- if that was weird?” Evan slipped away from the hug, moving to bite his nails but quickly pulling his hand away to stop himself from getting chipping nail polish in his mouth. “I just.. didn’t want you to be here alone for- for even longer?”

“How sweet,” Jared breathed out, the fondness in his tone outweighed the teasing, “you’re stupid cute sometimes.”

“Sometimes?”

“Just sometimes,” Jared snorted, pressing his forehead to Evan’s shoulder. “Is that it? You looked like you were going to keep going.”

“How the fuck do you- do you read me so well?” After a few more moments Evan took another step back from him now, moving a few steps to lower himself down onto the futon. Jared hobbled after him and practically flopped down onto it next to him, leaning against him heavily. “Yeah, though. I know you were going to stay here but, um, my mom invited you to come- to come stay with us for at least some of break-” Evan jolted slightly from his own words, scrambling to expand, “I didn’t, like.. really tell her anything. I just said, um, like.. they haven’t been great- your parents, that is.. and you were staying here. She managed to actually, hm, get off work for the last night of Chanukah and- well I know you don’t, um, really celebrate holidays much but.. She said we could at least make some food and have a movie night and-”

It made Jared’s chest warm, to see the extent of which Evan thought about him.

“Okay, alright,” Jared cut him off with a soft laugh, expression creasing with a slight fondness, “you got me, duck. I’ll go with you, alright?”

Evan’s face lit up at that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ily all feel free to hmu on tumblr at antpelts if ya wanna talk about kleinsen or have prompt ideas or do rp or w/e if u read my stuff ilu
> 
> kudos and comments mean the world


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know its a lil short but,, here yall go,, sweet boys

With finals over Evan felt less stress on his shoulders - less, but never none. Stressed was sort of his default, which, he was working on. Just like he was working on figuring out how to talk to Jared. He was working on a lot of things, really, but Jared was probably the most pressing situation of them all. Considering that in a few days his mom was picking them up to head home for break and Evan didn’t have a guest bedroom. Not to mention that the thought of making Jared sleep on the couch was nearly impossible for him to weigh as an actual option. Not only was it horribly uncomfortable - not to mention it was fairly small - Jared was still lugging his cast around. Evan’s bed was definitely big enough for the both of them (any bed was probably big enough considering they’d been sharing a twin dorm bed) but his mom would absolutely notice if they were sharing a bed. 

And he had no idea what he could even _call_ Jared beyond his (best) friend.

As their trip home approached Evan found himself increasingly sick with nerves. Much to Evan’s chagrin, spending 90% of his time with Jared meant that there was no way he could hide it. In fact he was practically vibrating from the stress of bottling all his thoughts up. If he didn’t let the energy out somehow it would just build up and give him a headache. Or force him into sensory overload. Maybe both.

“I am going to strangle you,” Jared placed a hand on Evan’s chest, using it as leverage to push himself to sit up. It was sometime late in the afternoon and they were both idly scrolling on their phones, with no responsibilities they couldn’t find a reason to _not_ lounge in bed together. That meant, though, that Evan’s incessant tapping and leg shaking was beyond obvious to Jared who seemed to be getting fed up. “-if you do not stop that. What’s your damage?”

Abrasive as ever, with a grin that was completely opposite to his tone. It still made his heart squeeze with fondness - most things with Jared did that to him, though. He was absolutely and totally fucking whipped for him.

“I just.. um,” Evan locked his phone and set it down on his chest, giving Jared his full attention. Even if he was squirming under his gaze. “Thinking?”

“Obviously,” Jared huffed, rolling his eyes. “You fucking reek of stress, dude.”

“Sorry, I’m, ah,” Evan sighed, pushing himself up so he was sitting up with Jared, at eye level with him now. “I was, uh, thinking about- about you I guess?”

Jared seemed a little caught off guard, blinking a few times. He breathed out a short laugh, unable to hide his slight smile. It was enough to encourage Evan to keep going.

“About.. us, um, I guess.” Wiping his palms on his shirt Evan took a breath and kept going, “since we’re going to- going to be around my mom and, uh, all that? I, uh, I like where we are! Just.. want to know what, mm, what you want.”

“What do you want?”

Evan froze up, worrying his lip between his teeth. He knew what he wanted, of course he did, but he wanted to know what Jared wanted. After senior year he was trying to be less selfish, he felt so fucking selfish. Once was one too many times to fuck Jared over with his selfishness. Evan wanted him to be happy, even if it was at his own expense. Jared deserved that much from him. “I asked, uh, first.”

“Well, sometimes,” Jared shifted how he was sitting, slowly moving to take Evan’s hand in his own, “sometimes you act like a fucking doormat. And.. you’ve been dodgy on opinions lately - I want you to tell me what you want, alright.”

It was meant to be a sort of question at the end but the way Jared held his head and directed his speech had it coming across as a command. Evan felt himself fold, Jared called his bluff.

“Alright,” Evan choked out, brushing his thumb over the back of Jared’s hand. He’d already made a mess before with assuming his status with Zoe and then looking like an idiot over it. Now here he was putting himself in the exact opposite spot, looking like an idiot as he tried to set up a status between them. But here was Jared, looking at him with that soft, curious look that he didn’t give anyone else. It was enough encouragement for him to sputter out, “I, uh, um, I like you.”

“Fuckin’ hope so, dude. Usually a kiss means that sorta thing.” Jared snorted out a quiet laugh that made Evan’s cheeks flush. He mentally berated himself for sounding like a seventh grader running up to his crush at recess, red in the face as he blurted out a confession.

“Well, uh. Yeah. But, um, also,” he tightened his grip on Jared’s hand, swallowing thickly, “I want to.. be with you I guess? Like. _With you,_ with you. Just us.”

“Alright.”

“Al..Alright?”

“Alright.” Jared was the first to break, shoulders shaking with laughter as he leaned back, practically cackling. He gave Evan’s hand a squeeze, “thought you’d never fucking ask.”

“I just wanted it to be what you, um, wanted,” Evan said quickly, words running together, “I didn’t want to, mm, put my, uh, expectations- my expectations on you or something?”

“Slow down, duck,” Jared mumbled, furrowing his brow. “You’re allowed to want things.”

“Not you though, I couldn’t, um,” it was too late, the floodgates had opened, “not with you. That’s, um, it.. it didn’t feel fair I didn’t want.. you know? Sorry, just, I just really, um, want what you want. Not to do what, uh, I want. Not that I think you’d.. you’d just do whatever I-”

“Hey, chill. You’re allowed to want things,” he repeated firmly, taking a second before continuing, “and I want things.” Jared shifted so he sat a little closer, scrunching up his nose as he stared down at the comforter bunched up around them, “everything I’ve ever done for you.. I’ve chosen to do it, y’know?”

“Okay,” his voice was weak now - he sounded breathless, hand trembling in Jared’s.

“I’m choosing you.”

“Okay,” even weaker this time. His throat was tight now and he lifted his head, eyes searching Jared’s face searching for any trace of insincerity. When he didn’t find any he felt himself just deflate, trying to just let himself believe it. Jared was in front of him, assuring him, he wanted to believe him - even if only for his sake, Evan tried, nodding slowly.

“Kiss me, asshole,” Jared mumbled, lips quirking into an amused grin.

All Evan could do was nod, quicker now, brain still trying to catch up with everything. It drew a laugh from Jared, Evan watched his face scrunch up as he broke into soft chuckles. After a second they were kissing, Jared’s hands moved up to cup his jaw with a softness that someone might not gauge he was capable of just from looking at him. He felt Jared’s chuckles taper off against his lips. Tears pricked in Evan’s eyes from utter fondness and he squeezed them shut, leaning into the kiss. He clenched his fists, anything to hold back his happy tears. Tears were tears and he didn’t want to set Jared off with his own crying.

“Uh, um, boy..friends?” Evan choked out once they split apart - if he didn’t quantify it now he’d probably never work up the nerves again. 

“Mm, lemme think about it,” Jared hummed, a shit-eating grin cropping up on his face.

“Shut up,” Evan groaned, giving Jared a weak shove on his shoulder, looking away to hide his own smile. “Don’t make me, um, rescind my offer.”

“Gesundheit,” Jared said with a snort of laughter.

“Fuck off.”

“You’re gonna talk to your boyfriend like that?”

It seemed to have the intended effect: Evan breathed out a short wheeze, cheeks flushing as he pressed his hands to his face. He might have been the one to bring it up first but just hearing it made his stomach flip while at the same time putting him at ease. The security of a label was all he could ask for.

“You’re such an asshole,” there was no malice in his words and he bit down on his lip to poorly stifle his smile.

“You chose me though.” Jared shifted on the bed again, reaching up to pinch at Evan’s cheeks. 

“I did,” it was almost breathless and Evan almost grimaced at how soft it was, how vulnerable. But.. Jared just smiled, head tilting to the side a little.

“And I choose you.”

All that work on communication and vulnerability seemed to pay off, especially if Jared was going to look at him like that. It was like he was the only person in the world - it was more intense than anything he’d ever felt around Zoe and it crashed over him like a wave. And Jared was kissing him again, he was warm and soft and smiling against his lips and Evan felt like he could die happy like that. Except for the fact that he wanted to live - well, of course he did, he was getting better at that, but the intensity of it now, with Jared.. he just wanted to experience it for as long as he could. Jared made him want to be better, that was the best feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world <3
> 
> expect more of these boys soon


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